Baby Fish Mouth

Episode 7: Bravo's Editor discusses Ellen, haters, and baby talk.

Hello Frankel fans. Tonight Bethenny did her best to fling aside the haters and focus on the positive -- like how positively babyish her voice sounds when she's trying to talk to Bryn. Let's recap shall we?

Bethenny Frankel: Gossip Writer
Bethenny caught a lot of flack from the bloggers this week. The interwebs were disputing her payday from Forbes, while a certain tugboat captain is saying that the gang wasn't lost at sea at all. I think it goes without saying that I can't fathom Dr. Amador ever faking a major nautical disaster, but there, I said it. In the midst of discussing how she should defend herself with Jason and Julie (and again later in the episode when she chats with Julie and Jackie), Bethenny throws a couple of fictitious celeb scenarios out that made me chortle greatly: One, Bethenny is having Hugh Grant's baby (particularly because the Countess herself just revealed she has a mondo crush and has maybe once smooched the man) and two, Julie is having Brad Pitt's baby (because like that guy needs any more babies). Anyway, moving on.

After an especially touching Dr. Amador session, Bethenny takes to the Today show, and shuts down all the rumors. You know it's a serious interview because Matt Lauer has on his glasses, and it seems to button up all the rumors nicely.

Dwayne and Bethenny's Shopping Montage
Bethenny discusses the situation with Dwayne, and he resolves to be a vault for her gangster business abilities. He also contradicts that those two are just driving back and forth to Barney's all day. Dwayne knows that people can throw her under the bus "quick, fast, and hurry," and the two ponder the process of loving to hate someone. This only brought me back to the signature Sonyae track "Love It or Hate It," which I had to say aloud to you guys in hopes of finally getting it out of my head. Sorry if now you're just stuck with it.

The Sexiness of a Good Bidet
Bethenny and Brooke head out in search of a bidet, and subsequently in search of the reason behind Brooke's wild-child look. The younger Gomez has loosed up tremendously, rocking a more casual Missoni look that seems to suggest she's "getting some sex," at least according to Bethenny. That loose feeling of goodwill is perfectly timed, because if you're feeling buttoned-up while Bethenny is riding a bidet around, life is going to be super hard for you.

Also, who knew toilets would be such a point of contention. No one wanted to sit on the toilets at the showroom. C'mon people they're show toilets. Unused! Pop a squat and check it out!

SkinnyGuy Nick
Nick drops by to deliver the falafel blog and pour some drinks. And here's the episode biggest twist -- he's super thin! Nick looks amazing and his brows are still in pretty good shape (I assume that means there's been some maintenance). His blog is of course phenomenal (but if you read his musings last season, you already know that), and the afternoon devolves into the gang just pondering how lethal Skinnygirl margs are (lethal) and Bethenny saying "panty-dropper" until Julie finally makes her stop.

Put a Beard On It
After all that hoopla, Bethenny and Jason go to dinner and discuss what everyone does over a meal -- trimming of all your hairs. Bethenny is feeling unsure about his multi-vagina look, Jason's unsure about how to clean up after his manscaping, the table next to them is unsure how to react to Bethenny's vagina jokes. Uncertainty abounds.

That confusion extends to the discussion of Bethenny's birthday, and how the gang will celebrate this year (hopefully sans breakdown). As of now the plan is mariachies and margaritas, which sounds like the best birthday of all.

Ellen Time
But before the gang is off to Mexico, Bethenny has to head to California to appear on Ellen. Obviously this was going to be fun (because Ellen is the greatest, if you don't believe me, take a moment to watch her montage of people getting frightened or, another personal favorite of mine, the segment when she and Kristen Bell discussed sloths). And boy was I right. Here's Bethenny and Ellen talking about babies.

Yup gold people. We're giving you gold.

Next week, Team Skinnygirl gets some shocking news (not related to bidets). Speaking of bidets, do you think B needs one? Is that a suitable alternative to a man cave?

Blow-Up

Bravotv.com's Editor recaps the hair dryer-filled Season 3 finale.

Hello Bethenny fans! And now we've come to the end. Season 3 has drawn to a close but not before a few additional pitchers of margaritas were imbibed and tears were shed. Let's recap shall we.

The Designated Drinker
We open with the gang at Tortilla Flats, celebrating the holidays with copious Skinnygirls. Even Dwayne has been given the night off so that he may quench his gullet with tequila -- and thank god for that. I loved him before, and I was sure I was going to love him even more drunk. And I was right! Plus it was his idea to invite Nick -- which is always the right thing to do.

And the gang needed all the drinks and entertainment they could get because it was Julie's last shindig. More drinks. More shots. More celebrations all around. Drink until you forget what a strange crew you've surrounded yourself with.

Stop the Gossip
Next B jaunts to what will be Julie's last photoshoot. Bethenny looking slightly less than her best is having a hard time focusing. She's feeling teary through makeup but hanging in there, until Julie starts showing her photos, and that's when all is lost. . .

She begins to sob uncontrollably, to the point that she must dry her eyes with a hair dryer. . .It works. . .

Talk That Talk
After a harrowing morning of nipple control (someone call HR) and VIP Christmas cards, Bethenny sneaks away for a top secret phone call. Jason, ever the spy, attempts to intercept, and so Bethenny finally decides to reveal the news: they got the talk show! She'll be spending the summer in L.A. making it happen. She tells the team and begins the process of plotting how the six-week run will work. Everyone seems ready to make it work so cheers to even more changes!

And then it's officially goodbye JuJu (how cute!) time. As Byrn, says "Happy Birthday" the gang tries to hold it together through the tears. Julie is going to have a lovely new life in Pittsburgh. Congrats and good luck lady!

The Big Reveal
And then it's go time. After packing up the final elements (including Bethenny's sex toy box), the Hoppys prepare to start fresh.

And the place is uh-mazing! It's very Bethenny -- lots of white with accents of red (and Skinnygirl). And the bar! The Bar is exactly like Bethenny imagined it -- with a slide out bar that lets you have fancy parties with help. It has everything: an insane office, a man den, a room for Bryn, a palatial Elle Decor-feeling kitchen and a sick, sick bathroom. Oh right, and the closet! Bethenny's insane closet is all she could have dreamed. As Mariette clarifies it's a dressing room! And it all came together without anyone killing each other. Did you ever think it would happen?

But no sooner than the final baubles are hung in the dressing room, than Bethenny gets a call that the talk show is happening sooner than she thought. They have but a mere month in the apartment before it's time to be in Los Angeles. And before that can even be processed, Bryn knocks over a vase -- sending Bethenny to the blow dryer and shattering what pristine normalcy there once was. Typical.

And that's it! Thanks for reading this season. Until we meet again B fans!