Fountains of Dwayne

Episode 3:'s Associate Editor discusses boats, Bethenny, and Dwayne.

Hello Frankel-philes

We're back to the beach this week, as Bethenny packs up the whole fam (and Dwayne! Thank G-d she brought Dwayne!) and heads to the annual Skinnygirl shindig in Montauk. Let's recap, shall we?

Dwayne's World
I had an inkling in the premiere when B's new driver Dwayne told her that her shoes were "fierce" that this would be a man we would grow to love. I was instantly aware that this was a man who was going to share something with all of us. . .

Boy was I right.

Straight out of the gate, Dwayne is decked in his pre-Hamptons look and delivering some Terrence Howard-esque musings on female cleanliness, as well as clearing up the definition of tortured.

I find it absolutely perfect that this man drives Bethenny around. These two hustlers belong together, driving around talking superiorly inappropriately about breasts at all times. Scoot over when you hop in his ride -- a fashion plate like this needs to have options so he can wow you with his wisdom and his style. And follow his advice: watch your high blood pressure. That's the silent killer.

Love you Dwayne. Mean it.

No Raccoon is Safe
I'm no zoologist, but I don't believe raccoons travel in packs. In my dealings with the night bandits (that's the biological name I believe), they were always operating solo, grazing on trash all by their lonesome. However, out in the wilds of upstate New York, they supposedly run in gangs, in Mighty Ducks like diamond-formation gangs. 

Unfortunately, that pack mentality doesn't pay when you're crossing the same road Jason Hoppy is barreling down. He. Will. Run. You. Down. He mow you over, until you're blubbering over your dead siblings/mother/father. Jackie would have stopped and helped, but I mean, it was a party. . .

On Love and Algebra
Bethenny decides to her matchmaker streak outside of the morning television host realm, and fix up her business partner, Matt. I want to go on record as saying: Seriously, how much help does this gent need? He's a handsome, handsome fellow, who is employed (better than I can say of most of my conquests). Hence  Bethenny could follow the simplest matchmaker equation in the world.

Hot + Hot = Hotter

It's the 1 + 1 of the love (even simpler than that faux boy band jam "You + Me = Us"). And, so of course it worked. It was a full on foursome before Bethenny even put her pirate hat on. And I totally respect Bethenny's need for the morning after gossip (and her date inner monologue). Inquiring minds want to know, Jason. C'mon!

The Boat, The Boat
Another week, another botched boat ride. I can't actually understand why Bethenny keeps getting on sea vessels. You're meant for land (or air), but not for the sea friend. That's before even factoring in the upcoming boat trip which might be a bit of a catastro-cluck, if you know what I'm saying.

At the very least, this leads to us seeing Cookie in a lifejacket and Bryn in a captain's hat. Worth all of the trouble! They are cutest little shipwrecked family in the world.

The Sands of Time
In some bizarre twist of fate, Bethenny manages to carve out some time for just she and Julie. While they're sitting around eating pretzels, Bryn is in a sandbox. That sounds relaxing, but it's actually a terrifying prospect. Sadly NYC sandboxes are basically urinals. . . leading B to drink (also just the joys of drinking was part of that plan).

Over their sangria, Bethenny and Julie start to reminisce about the olden times, when Skinnygirl was just a file folder on a dinning room table. Julie sees a change not just in the brand, but also in Bethenny's state of mind. She's not the workaholic she once was. It's great to see Bethenny growing. And then to see Bryn growing! In her tiny hat! Cookie's growing to, and putting down roots in the hall where Grandma accidentally left her.That's your life now Cookie, deal.

The Boat, The Boat, Part 2
After all of Bethenny's boat problems, I was shocked at how receptive she was to the idea of a couple's boat cruise with Dr. Amador. I mean it does sound kind of fun, minus the seasickness and the need to evaluate your behavior patterns.

And that's exactly what Jason gets hung up on. As much as these two are trying to getting onto the same page, there are still some issues, and so why not try to work them out at sea. The ocean air and the companionship necessitated by a small vessel could be just the thing.

We’ll see next week. Until, then I’m going to be on edge and on land just to be safe.

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Blow-Up's Editor recaps the hair dryer-filled Season 3 finale.

Hello Bethenny fans! And now we've come to the end. Season 3 has drawn to a close but not before a few additional pitchers of margaritas were imbibed and tears were shed. Let's recap shall we.

The Designated Drinker
We open with the gang at Tortilla Flats, celebrating the holidays with copious Skinnygirls. Even Dwayne has been given the night off so that he may quench his gullet with tequila -- and thank god for that. I loved him before, and I was sure I was going to love him even more drunk. And I was right! Plus it was his idea to invite Nick -- which is always the right thing to do.

And the gang needed all the drinks and entertainment they could get because it was Julie's last shindig. More drinks. More shots. More celebrations all around. Drink until you forget what a strange crew you've surrounded yourself with.

Stop the Gossip
Next B jaunts to what will be Julie's last photoshoot. Bethenny looking slightly less than her best is having a hard time focusing. She's feeling teary through makeup but hanging in there, until Julie starts showing her photos, and that's when all is lost. . .

She begins to sob uncontrollably, to the point that she must dry her eyes with a hair dryer. . .It works. . .

Talk That Talk
After a harrowing morning of nipple control (someone call HR) and VIP Christmas cards, Bethenny sneaks away for a top secret phone call. Jason, ever the spy, attempts to intercept, and so Bethenny finally decides to reveal the news: they got the talk show! She'll be spending the summer in L.A. making it happen. She tells the team and begins the process of plotting how the six-week run will work. Everyone seems ready to make it work so cheers to even more changes!

And then it's officially goodbye JuJu (how cute!) time. As Byrn, says "Happy Birthday" the gang tries to hold it together through the tears. Julie is going to have a lovely new life in Pittsburgh. Congrats and good luck lady!

The Big Reveal
And then it's go time. After packing up the final elements (including Bethenny's sex toy box), the Hoppys prepare to start fresh.

And the place is uh-mazing! It's very Bethenny -- lots of white with accents of red (and Skinnygirl). And the bar! The Bar is exactly like Bethenny imagined it -- with a slide out bar that lets you have fancy parties with help. It has everything: an insane office, a man den, a room for Bryn, a palatial Elle Decor-feeling kitchen and a sick, sick bathroom. Oh right, and the closet! Bethenny's insane closet is all she could have dreamed. As Mariette clarifies it's a dressing room! And it all came together without anyone killing each other. Did you ever think it would happen?

But no sooner than the final baubles are hung in the dressing room, than Bethenny gets a call that the talk show is happening sooner than she thought. They have but a mere month in the apartment before it's time to be in Los Angeles. And before that can even be processed, Bryn knocks over a vase -- sending Bethenny to the blow dryer and shattering what pristine normalcy there once was. Typical.

And that's it! Thanks for reading this season. Until we meet again B fans!

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