March 17, 2006
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Usually I dive for VANITY FAIR the moment it hits the newsstand. I can't wait to digest Dunne and Leibovitz and Graydon's latest anti-Bush rant. But this month, I am completely paralyzed and repelled by the image of cover girl Teri Hatcher and the promise of her revelations behind her desperation waiting inside.
I can't get past the cover. The magazine is sitting on a chair in my office like a lonely orphan waiting to be chosen. I will not adopt Teri. I just can't. I am on the hunt for a pair of tongs, which I will use to rid this otherwise probably fine issue of VANITY FAIR entirely of its cover and inside story. I am still high from their big party but I can't withstand this. I just don't want to know and I refuse to be a part of it. Don't bring me into this please, Teri. I know enough ladies who need my help right now.
I have a stack of past issues of US magazine sitting on my other chair (I have TWO chairs, you see) that I've been saving for a sunny St. Patty's Day mornin', just like this. I love US because I can count on it to give me four or five solid minutes of entertainment a week. My favorite section is the "STARS, THEY'RE JUST LIKE US!" department, in which celebs are photographed doing everyday things (like us!)
If St. Patrick's Day is about empowerment, and it's not, let me present the following list of ways that stars are just like you and me and everybody - according to the last few issues of US!:
THEY USE QUICK-DRY SPRAY! Nicole Richie sprays her toes après-polish!
THEY SHOP FOR FRUIT! Naomi Watts ogles oranges!
THEY GET PARKING TICKETS! Poor Jessica Alba! She was in line at Jamba Juice too long!
THEY PEDAL HOME! Oh Pierce Brosnan, you can ride that bike as far as you want but you'll always be REMINGTON STEELE to me!
THEY USE HAND WEIGHTS! Teri Hatcher, didn't I say I want NO PART of your hi-jinx!?
THEY PICK THE BEST BLOOMS! Marcia Cross doesn't want any part of Hatcher's mess either, which is most likely what drove her to the flower market.
THEY WALK THEIR DOGS! Oh, Howard Stern! You do, too?
THEY TRY TO CATCH A CAB! Claire Danes, I had two cabs stolen from me this morning on Hudson Street - does that make us blood relatives?
THEY GO THROUGH SECURITY! Wait is that lady letting Heidi Klum have it about Santino?!
THEY PUMP THEIR OWN GAS! Is it me, or am I always seeing pix of Ben Affleck pumping gas? I don't mind it, but I'm just sayin'.
THEY LOVE ICE CREAM! Felicity Huffman holds three cones!
THEY WALK THEIR DOGS! OK, US!, we just saw Howard Stern with his and now we need to see Charlize pickin' up poop?
THEY TWIRL THEIR SPAGHETTI! Oh, Philip Seymour Hoffman, you mean to tell me that you love carbs as much as the next guy!?
THEY GO SURFING! Jake Gyllenhaal can do no wrong!
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