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You should all know that my mother still isn’t talking to me because I gave out cash to strangers. She’s furious that I didn’t give it to the Catholic Church so they could “give it to children.” I call this weird handout thing I do periodically the SECRETO SANTA -- because I’m pretty sure Santa is Mexican.
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You have to admit that the Star reporter repeatedly calling me “Kathy Lee” is genius, and proves once and for all that I have no say in the editing of the show. If I did, believe me, I would have overdubbed the words “Kate Winslet” when her mouth was actually saying “Kathy Lee.”
I loved that day because it really sums up in a nutshell what it is like to be on the D-list -- great place to be, except that sometimes it blows. Actually we had a...]]>
‘ello, mates. Just call me your “Tally Ho."
What can I say? I LOVE London. They’re just like us over there, but better. (OK, Bill O’Reilly, I didn’t mean that -- I just meant they’re smarter. C’mon Hannity, you know I’m right.)
The trip was so much fun, and the episode did a great job of capturing all the hilarious stuff that happened. Here are some random thoughts on things you did and didn’t see:
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1) When we first got to London, we were all so exhausted that we started acting like Paula Abdul on a normal day... You know, when she’s suffering from her “insomnia.”
2) That Graham Norton is a man among men. He showed up by himself in a slim pant and a fabulous shirt. Although towards the end of the night it got cold, so we had to buy him a...]]>
Okay, right off the bat, let's talk about my date with Mike “The Mouth” Matusow. Let’s see...I’m trying to think of a bad poker pun. How about this one: “I guess Mike and I aren’t going all in on love.” No, not quite -- let’s try another one: “Mike made me fold the pocket aces in my heart.”
Alright, screw the puns, and cut the crap: Mike Matusow is a freaky dude, and you didn’t even see the half of it. The part that didn’t make the show is that we went back to my house, Tom and his loser friends were in my dining room playing poker, and they talked Mike into playing with them. Then they made me get them Doritos and beer, so I kicked them out, and then Mike talked me into playing strip poker with him. That was a really bad idea because Mike is a professional poker player,...]]>
1. What's in your iPod?
Backstreet Boys, Kelly Clarkson, Sheryl Crow
2. What do you TIVO?
Oprah, The View, American Idol
3. What are your best dating tips?
Only date guys who will get your picture in the tabloids.
4. What animals do you have?
2 dogs; Chance & Pom Pom
5. What do you read on airplanes?
I try to catch up on the weekly magazines like People, US Weekly & Time when I am on the plane. I also watch Grey's Anatomy on my laptop.
6. Who's your favorite fashion designer?
Chanel
7. Who makes your favorite pair of jeans?
Cache
8. Who are your comedy icons?
Joan Rivers, Phyllis Diller, Don Rickles
9. What's your favorite restaurant?
Doughboys. I love the red velvet cake.
10. What's your favorite comfort food?
...]]>
Who knew it was so hard to be Suzanne Somers? She must be exhausted running that empire of hers, what with all those homemade sugar substitutes, Thigh Masters, and baubles. I’ve always had a dream to leave my successful stand-up comedy career behind, and become a sell-out. What’s it gonna take for you people?
But we’ll get to my taking over the world of merchandising in a bit. First, on the homefront: So, I’m trying to get my mom to move into my house, and it’s been like that book “He’s Just Not That Into You” because I feel like with my mom, I’m dating a dude who’s kind of leading me on, but I think he’s got other chicks on the side. My mom is also doing that book “The Rules,” where she plays hard to get, and I have to keep calling her, trying not to sound too desperate on the...]]>
Here’s the thing. My Dad was just a very special man. And when people come up to me and give their condolences so generously, they often say, “I know it’s weird, because I feel like I knew your Dad even though I just saw him on TV.”
And I say, “then you did know him,” because the wonderful thing about the Bravo show is that they really captured my Dad exactly the way he was -- funny and smart and sarcastic and sweet and gentle and naughty and nice all in one.
So I hope you really enjoyed tonight’s episode and please know that my family wants you to watch and enjoy and remember all the great funny stuff about my dad because we feel really privileged to have this record of his last few weeks, where he was really himself and sharp and having fun. I asked my Mom if it was...]]>
First of all, I have a pledge to make to all of you. I’m going to try and never say “Owwwww!” again. Seriously. As I watched this episode, I cringed every time I yelled that, and I feel like a frat guy in a bar who screams “Wassup!” or “Show me the Money!” I Promise to work on that. I’m not afraid to work on our relationship.
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Also, I know I’m going a little out of order here, but you need to know that Nick Carter wanted me bad. But I am following all “The Rules” with him, so I’m not going to call him until he calls me so that he’ll want me more. And although two months have passed, I know it’s very difficult for him. However, I am a temptress, and he knew that when he fell in love with me in the first...]]>
Season 3, people. Can you believe it’s finally here? And seriously, is this an action packed first episode or what? I honestly think the people at Bravo are trying to kill me. Some people would call this “episode 1,” or, if you’re a TV geek, you might call it “episode 301” but personally, I call this episode “A very special 'Blossom'” -- because I cry like a big dumb girl.
When I watch episodes of the show, I actually do watch them as a viewer so that when I blog I’ll talk about the episodes like it’s not me on that screen, but some other beautiful, sexy 28-year-old with a super hot body.
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First off, I really hope you like Tom and Tiffany, the new team members. Bravo’s calling them “characters.” That’s when Tiffany found out how cold show business is --- when she was officially referred...]]>
There’s not much to say about that Magician Max guy except that I was fascinated by that pink dog he used in his act. Not that I was fascinated with the...]]>
HOLY CRAP, CAN YOU BELIEVE THE SHOW IS UP FOR AN EMMY?
It’s true -- “My Life on the D-List” is nominated for Best Reality show. I really hope I win. Just so my speech can go like this:
“Well I f**ked my way to the middle and it’s finally paid off…”
Part of me kind of hopes that the day of the awards never comes because I like being a nominee so much. Because for one frozen moment in time, I’m just as good as those bitches on “Grey’s Anatomy.”
And now, I blog…
GOING CORPORATE
I don’t know if anything makes me more nervous than corporate gigs. I do about five corporates a year, and they consistently scare the crap out of me. I’m always scouring the audience, trying to find a gay, and then I attach myself to him or her. Or if...]]>
