I often think this, if my husband’s not cheating, and the husbands of our lovely married couple friends aren’t cheating (you don’t suspect, anyway) then who’s doing all the cheating? Women often say they were “blindsided,” or that their husbands began an affair after 20 years of marriage, or maybe it happened once and they don’t really talk about it. But it’s such a common topic, yet no one I know thinks their guy is the one who’s cheating.
So who is? Who is doing the cheating? Do all men cheat and it’s just some secret code they have with each other to behave in front of the wives?
No, says New York based relationship expert and upscale dating site Platinum Poire co-founder Rori Sassoon. She’s counseled cheaters (and the cheated on) many times throughout her career and breaks it down like this:
“No, they don’t all cheat,” Rori laughs. “I hope they don’t all cheat because I’m married to one for 17 years. Also, it’s not only a male thing. A lot of men get cheated on by a woman. A lot of women cheat. I have so many male clients who are handsome and successful and their wives cheated because the guys are emotionally lazy and can’t communicate.”
Rori says if you’re a woman—or a man—who thinks that all men cheat “you’ve been there and haven’t been in healthy relationship yet.”
“A statement like that gives men a bad rap. There are so many good men out there,” she says, but also explains the “type” to cheat.
“Men are not communicative creatures by nature, while women want to be heard and talk about feelings. Men shut down. If they have a talkative woman, she’s labeled a nag and a pain in the ass. So they get attention from another woman and they think it will be different. That’s why Ashley Madison is so popular. These men think I’ll have my affair and go back to my wife and family.”
But Rori says it often catches up to them when the woman they are cheating with also gets attached emotionally.
“Soon enough, you’re fooling around with a stalker and she’s going to out you,” she says. “The more time they spend with someone—you think it’s just sex—it becomes a relationship and more than sex. Then she wants the wife out of the picture.”
Another type of cheater, Rori says, is a guy who married too young.
“Then mid-life happens and they’ve only had one partner or maybe two, but a man wants to feel like he’s got it. He’s gotten better looking and more successful, so he goes after other women.”
Another type is “someone who is such a player and so insecure and had a horrific relationship with their mother.”
“So they always need to be flexing that muscle makes them feel good in that people want them. That’s really not a good person and they’re going to cheat anyway.”
Rori says there are clues that determine the cheating type who cheats for the sake of cheating.
“If you’re in a relationship and a small crisis happens and they are so selfish they only think how it will affect them. If there is a sensitivity chip missing and they don’t care about hurting people. How do they feel about other people’s pain? A guy who outright cheats is either a sociopath or not a good person. With the exception of certain cultures where its very normal for a man to have a mistress. But if you’re just bored, that’s sh***y.”
In the end, time will always tell, Rori says.
“No, not every guy cheats, you have to know who you’re getting in bed with and what they are all about,” she says. “Time will always tell and go with your gut…will this person hurt you or not? If they are disappointing you over and over they will more often than not cheat.”
The number one reason she’s found for why the men who don’t cheat couldn’t go through with it if the opportunity arose?
“Superstition. People are afraid of karma. They think if they invite this person into their life is going to bite me in the ass?”
The bottom line is “if you’re not happy in your relationship, get therapy.”
“Try to work it out…or get out the right way. Then then you’re clean and kosher.”
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