5 Crucial Tips on Eating and Life from Glop, a New Book Spoofing Gwyneth Paltrow's Goop

Who doesn't love a reliquary-bone smoothie?

Is this Gwyneth Paltrow quote true or false? A "quick three-day detox" should include "Pistachio Cardamom Waffles with Rose-Soaked Blackberries, Fresh Thai Salad with Cayenne Cashews, and Strawberry Rosemary Overnight Chia Oatmeal."

Answer: T. 

Yes, you'll find this actual tip, and many, many more, on Paltrow's lifestyle site Goop, which has taken just a teeny bit of skewering for being wildly out of touch with anything resembling normalcy or anyone who isn't part of the .0005 percent. Does she deserve it? Look, we're not here to judge. But we sure do love a lifestyle tip, and the brand-new book Glop: Nontoxic, Expensive Ideas That Will Make You Look Ridiculous and Feel Pretentious by Gabrielle Moss is chock-full of them. Here, just 5 we're planning to implement in our lives stat.

Do Your Own Organic Grocery Shopping Once in a While: "It's Not Just for Poor People!"

Totally: Even people who aren't living in crushing poverty should do their own shopping once in a while! Like stepping foot inside the local high-end organic chain supermarket, as Glop advises. Here's why: "When your CSA from Peter Gabriel's farm is held up in customs," the produce you find at the store might be absolutely ok for humans to consume "as a garnish, or even licked (but never chewed)."

Revive with "Easy, Filling Asparagus-Quinoa-Sriracha-Vellum-Bee-Clavicle-Bone-Fragments from the Reliquary of Saint Abban of Magheranoidhe Smoothie"

It's just the thing for whenever you "feel things getting too out of whack," Glop notes. You probably already have all the ingredients at home, and as for those bone fragments? Nab a couple on your next weekend retreat at the Reliquary.

Make Your Friends Comfortable by Saying the Right Things at Your Diverse Dinner Party

Name-drop your friend Shawn a lot. "Oh sorry, you probably know him as 'Jay-Z,' but he's just good old Shawn around here!" Even if you've never come within 20 feet of Shawn Carter, "as of this printing, there's no reliable way for your guests to check."

Choose the Correct Caviars for Your Children

There's nothing quite like gathering your kids on the deck and "chatting about the shenanigans and monkeyshines they got up to that day with their nannies and assistant nannies while we all cool down with a nice plate of caviar." It's crucial that you choose the best caviars that will "not only expand your child's palate, but also make up for accidentally leaving them in Istanbul for 72 hours during the Iron Man 3 press tour."

Detox with "Edamame Pods That Have Been Discarded by the Cultural Elite"

Witnessed way too many decadent foods at those festive holiday get-togethers, even if you didn't actually, you know, eat anything? When you've "overindulged in wine fumes and cake air," you're going to need a serious detox. "The rich flavor profile of edamame pods that have been discarded by America's top actors, writers, musicians and artists" are just the cleanse you need after those cheat days. Glop will even hook you up with a dealer.

Glop: Nontoxic, Expensive Ideas That Will Make You Look Ridiculous and Feel Pretentious (Harper Collins) by Gabrielle Moss—who was inspired to write it after undergoing a "vagina steaming" exercise recommended by Gwyneth Paltrow—is available now from your favorite bookseller.

The Feast is Bravo's home for the biggest, boldest, most crave-worthy eating experiences. Want more? Then Like us on Facebook to stay connected to our daily updates. 

All Posts About:
Gwyneth Paltrow Food

You May Also Like...

Recommended by Zergnet