Beyond Bravo

Can You Do Better? Here’s How To Know If You’re Settling

One expert has a surefire way to tell if you're just giving up.

Settling down is different than "you settled.” That’s an insult. That means you got tired of the dating game for whatever reason and just wanted someone to be with, have kids with, and have a (hopefully) pleasant enough life with. But the relationship is never going to have the fireworks you wish for. Your partner’s probably nice…enough. Cute…enough. We’ve all seen someone settle. Sometimes you settle before you find the one. (Hello, Kim.)

More women settle than men, one expert says, because they want safety and security and are “on the clock.” 

When men settle, they like what’s familiar to them, someone who treats them nice and perhaps keeps a nice home like their mom used to, explains Platinum Poire owner and relationship expert Rori Sassoon. 

She offers up some advice for people who are wondering if they are settling. 

“I feel that sometimes it’s more women that settle,” Rori explains. “Men do when they think they’re being nurtured and being taken care of, they’ll settle with a woman who is running a home, raising the children.”

Rori says that unfortunately fear and doubt will hold people back, and they often miss out on the opportunity to find a better match because they’re afraid everyone has coupled up and they will be left all alone. 

“The older the woman, the more likely they are to settle and stay comfortable, especially if the man is the provider,” she says. 

But that’s also changing, says Rori, with today being all about power women who take care of themselves. Instead, they may settle just to have kids. 

“Either way, they don’t need to stay in a relationship that is not working for them,” she says. “People get into relationships for all sorts of reasons.”

But the question is when to move on if you realized you have settled.

“Any prolonged amount of time you’re thinking, this is not making me feel good, it’s time to go,” says Rori. “If all your efforts don’t result in the other person growing, it’s time to leave. If you feel you fall somewhere at the end of their priority list, time to go. If the value of the relationship has diminished and it’s not empowering you, if you’re not your best self, it’s time to go.”

Rori says it may take women a little longer to detach emotionally.

“Women take longer to leave, for a man to leave a marriage nine times out of ten it’s for someone else, someone’s waiting in the wings,” she says. 

The one half of the couple who loves the most has the least power, Rori says, so if you feel exhausted by the relationship and the constant chase, it’s time to move on. 

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