Hey, Orlando Bloom! 5 Reasons Naked Paddleboarding Is a Bad Idea

It's pretty to behold — but safety must come first.

We won’t lie (mainly because it wouldn't be credible anyway): We didn’t mind seeing Orlando Bloom in full bloom during his recent paddleboarding outing with Katy Perry while they were vacationing in Italy.

However, we wonder if naked paddleboarding (even for someone as hot as he is) is a good idea. Consider some reasons why it might be dodgy:

1.  Standup paddleboarding can be challenging, and it's not without danger.

For instance, if there’s another standup board near you? It can crash right into you and knock you backwards. That would include your exposed junk. Does anyone really want something as beautiful as Orlando’s you-know-what smashed by a board? Or a wave? That's a no.

2.  There's too much sun exposure.

It’s hot out there, especially during the summer. Who wants to get their junk sunburned? We bet he doesn't have SPF down there. (Or if he does, props and mazel tov on thinking ahead!)

3.  These boards are big and heavy.

They are like carrying luggage. So when Orlando and Katy left the water, did he lug the board against his naked body? Wouldn't that lead to chafing? Where's the photo evidence of that?

4.  You risk being seen.

To that end, we know from this now from documented example: Orlando’s photos are everywhere. (And for that, Internet, we thank you.) But for those of us who are perhaps more bashful about our stuff ending up splashed all over the Internet and becoming Twitter joke fodder — possibly this is something to keep in mind. You may feel like you are secluded and safe in the middle of a body of water, but you are not. Lenses are (cough) long (ahem) these days.

5.  Or maybe we're just jealous?

"You should do anything you can naked. My motto is to love how you feel and you will love how you look. If I was Orlando Bloom, I'd definitely be naked as f--- on a paddleboard, and will probably try it myself, so thanks for the idea," says Jessica Bolbach, owner of the New York City-based fitness program KORE Meatpacking." Haters are going to hate no matter what, so it really is no one's business what anyone does. If you feel good, you look good, and confidence is sexy."

All true indeed. So for those of us not so keen on this approach — and writing lists about why not to do it? Well, maybe we're just jealous of the whole lifestyle that comes with naked water sports during a hot date on a sunny Italian holiday — or jealous we didn't think of it first. So ignore us, and just enjoy the visual! [Books waxing appointment and ticket to Italy.]

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