If Men Stare At *These* They Will Live Longer, According To Modern Medicine

Ladies, if we cover up, males will basically become extinct.

If this were actually true, men would be vampires. They would live to be 575 years old with not a wrinkle on their face and not an ailment in their bones. They would all look like shirtless Charlie Hunnam's. And they certainly don't. Hi, dad bod.

Let's explore this latest news.

Now, to start, men naturally have a lower survival rate than women — 79 years compared to 82 years for the ladies. That's because women are smarter and stronger and better looking and more in tune with their emotions and all around better survivors. Even though I made that up, it's likely true, and it has to do with women having two "X" chromosomes, which provides them with extra protection health-wise.

Excluding straight science, lifestyle also factors in when considering how long a person will live — and women seem to have it down on that front too.

Medical Daily reports that there are a few major things men can do to prolong their life — that is, if they can stand being around all the women who will remain on the planet with them while their male counterparts die off. Some would rather be dead. If so, stop reading and go about your business dying. And while some of these life expectancy boosters may seem like a prison sentence for a young man (marriage, kids) one will suit males of all ages just fine. Unless he's gay. And then, I don't know, he's got to figure out how to do it anyway if he wants a long life. Just treat it like a horror film. Peep through your fingers. But you must, must, stare at boobs.

Um, what?

Yes staring at a women's breast's tends to help men live longer, says the report.

"Staring at breasts or looking at cute animals benefit a man's health by creating a positive mindset. Pleasant emotions (thoughts of boobs) can help both men and women make better decisions about their health...When participants were told to write down personal health goals, half of them were encouraged to think of positive thoughts (boobs) when they got up in the morning and make regular self-affirmations throughout their day. After a year, positive thinking (boobs) had a powerful effect on health choices: 55 percent of the patients with coronary artery disease increased their physical activity versus 37 percent in the control group; and 42 percents of those with high blood pressure followed their medication plan compared to 36 percent in the control group."

Following boob ogling was having a lot of sex.

"Mortality risk was reduced by as much as 50 percent and life expectancy increased by three to eight years in the group who reported more orgasms," said the study.

Getting married and having kids also helped boost life expectancy.

Men who have spouses tend to live longer than their single counterparts. A survey of over 127,000 found that "American adults found men who marry after age 25 get more protection than those who get hitched at a younger age, and the longer a man stays married, the greater his survival advantage compared to his single counterparts."

According to Men's Health, staring at boobs for about five minutes (let's hope this is not in real life with a stranger) all boils down to "creating a positive mindset."

Great boobs:

"These moments of positive thinking had a powerful effect on the health choices of those within the positive affect group," says the mag.

In particular, men showed lower rates of heart problems, a lower resting heart rate and lower blood pressure after the pleasurable experience.

So be nice to us, guys, or we'll wear turtlenecks even in summer and will kill you all. Joke. Kidding. But seriously, respectfully look at the boobs if you must. You know, for your health.

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