Ex-Files Week

She's a "Heartbreak Coach" Who Will Get You Through Your Breakup, Hour by Hour If She Has To

Part therapist, part drill sergeant. 

It’s the end of the world and you want to die. Don’t worry, Sarah Kotz is here.

She’s a “heartbreak coach” who will guide you through the initial stages of a breakup, even if you don’t feel like showering, or even getting out of bed. Taking cues from her own rich dating life, she began to give friends advice on how to get over heartbreak — she’s tough, but she’s good. 

“So the idea, it really just came from the evolution and relationships of my own. I dated a lot and my friends dated a lot, I found myself learning from my breakup situations and from then I started informally coaching,” Sarah tells Personal Space. “I started a website and people started emailing and calling me. From there, I began to give advice.”

Sarah says a lot of breakups are not ideal, “not necessarily clean,” and that people need help getting through the first stages of how to heal.

“I coach on how to manage through those initial days, how to get through any ambiguity,” she says.  

First, with a free 10-minute consultation, she gets the background story — the relationship, what went wrong, and the breakup. 

“From there I’m about self care,” she says. “Getting back to you, any activities that may have gone to the wayside, whether that’s yoga or joining a group, getting back together with friends…Depending on what the situation is, one of the big things I talk about is the no contact rule which is a cleanse for your ex.”

Sarah teaches you how to literally detox your ex, and you should start to feel better in about three months, she adds. 

“But before the detox, before they cut off contact, I actually encourage everything to be communicated before that.  Write it down but don’t always send it.”

She advises literally deleting them off social media—the “detox” part—along with shuffling furniture around in your house, even where your bed is positioned, and not going to places where you guys were together. 

“Things that don’t occur to them can be triggers,” Sarah says. “I tell them, ‘You’ve really done all you can do,’ and reaching out now can only exasperate the situation.”

One recent client tried so hard to get through to an ex that she began calling his mom. 

“It was causing way more drama and stress that cutting off contact,” Sarah says. 

“At the end of the day you have to trust the process, write down what you’re looking for in a partner. Often, when you make a list it makes things clear. In the initial stages of a breakup you forget why you broke up.”

Sarah says the biggest issue clients have is being ignored. 

“Being ignored in those initial stages, you need to constantly remind yourself to bring yourself back to yourself,” she says. “I talk to them a lot about, ‘I’m not going to see this person for the rest of my life.’ I break it down day by day — even the next hour — treat yourself to something, go get a pedicure. Focus on that hour or that day — it’s agonizing — you are literally detoxing from your ex.”

Most people see a breakthrough in 60 days to three months. 

“You’ll start to feel better,” Sarah adds. “But for a new relationship you need to give yourself more time. You’re not replacing that person, or you’re still carrying that baggage.”

Got an ex? Yeah, we all do. Bravo’s Personal Space is diving into everything there is to discuss about breakups, from the ones that got away to ghosting to what the hell you should do with an ex on social media with Ex-Files Week. It’s all leading up to our new series A Night With My Ex, which explores what happens when former couples reunite…for one night only. Check back each day for exclusive interviews, personal stories, and don’t forget to catch the premiere on Tuesday, July 18 at 10/9c. 

Personal Space is Bravo's home for all things "relationships," from romance to friendships to family to co-workers. Ready for a commitment? Then Like us on Facebook to stay connected to our daily updates. 

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