Look, we’re not newbies when it comes to ill mashups. It’s 2016—we’ve seen our fair share of weird, head-scratching, universe-questioning food hybrids. Just this past year alone we saw Lobster Pop-Tarts. We were subjected to a possibly-Hillary-Clinton-invented Wine Ice Cream. We drooled unapologetically over Donut Ice Cream Cones. And who could forget the Bourbon Burgel (Without extensive therapy, that is.)
Now, however, one sports franchise's concession stand has taken it upon itself to up the ante. As the Major League Baseball postseason begins, the Texas Rangers have revealed a new concessions menu for Globe Life Park that takes food experiments to the next level. It’s a menu that throws caution to the wind, standing on the pinnacle of past stadium food achievements and lunging headlong into the abyss, stretching the limits of everything we believed mankind could achieve. And the result? Well, uh, it’s kinda insane.
Each of the four new menu items could be the subject of their own thesis paper, but for the sake of brevity we’ll break them down for you briefly:
The Atomic Burger combines two pounds of meat (really, stop and think about how much meat that is) with raging-hot ghost pepper cheese. Perfect for fans who haven’t eaten in a week, want to set their tastebuds on fire, and aren’t squeamish about using stadium bathrooms.
The TamArlington Dog doesn’t even pretend it cares about your taste buds. That’s why instead of a bun this hot dog been jammed forcefully into a tamale before it takes a shower in chili and nacho cheese. It’s a hot dog for people who don’t really want to eat a hot dog.
Can’t make up your mind? Neither can the N.E.Q. Sandwich, which combines a Philly Cheesesteak (because who knows them better than Texas?) with fried jalapenos, onion rings, fried mozzarella, white queso, waffle fries, and a side of Captain Morgan dipping sauce. (Also, a side of clogged arteries.)
And finally, the pièce de résistance: The Popcornopolis Pita. This giant pita contains a “Texas-sized” serving of Smoked Brisket and Mac ‘N Cheese, topped, for reasons beyond speculation, with caramel popcorn.
Photo courtesy of Facebook/Texas Rangers.
And there you have it. The mashup bar has officially been raised. Next?
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