Most posts are anonymous, with one woman revealing that she’s in her mid-30’s and trying to decide if she really does want children.
“I think the hardest part about all this is that you don't know until it's too late. I am in my mid-thirties and don't have a strong desire to have kids (although my husband does). I would probably skip it but you don't know if you're going to regret having kids until you've had them AND you don't know if you're going to regret not having kids until long after you can't have them anymore. Most of the women I've met who regret NOT having kids haven't really started regretting it until they were in their late 60s-70s and started seeing their friends' kids getting married, having babies, graduating college, and having other exciting life moments that they start feeling like they missed out on. Can't we put together a decision guide? Aren't there some tools to help us make a solid decision before we enter the stage of regret? Where's the crystal ball?? ;) But seriously... anyone know of any tools like this?”
One new mom has postpartum—and regrets.
“I am 3 months (14 weeks) postpartum, and I am still feeling intense regret over having a baby. I had never wanted to have a baby and have been married to my husband almost 8 years (we are in our mid 30's). I am not a big career person either, really, in that I like to work but I am a homebody. We had a great relationship before the baby, and I always felt like we could have continued the way we were. He had always wanted children and always told me I would change my mind. Well, over the years I let him talk me into it and even thought I wanted a baby, but a few days after having the baby I felt intense regret, and it hasn't gone away. I just hate my life now, the sleep deprivation, the drudgery, the monotony, and I feel so guilty and ashamed for feeling this way. It's not my baby's fault, and he deserves a good mother who wants him. I am needing advice on how to deal with these feelings.”
The moms seem to find comfort in being able to have an outlet for their true feelings, with one mom saying in the end, it’s worth it to have a baby.
“I had a child 30 years ago which I regretted terribly for years. As a result of pregnancy, I had to have a hysterectomy which led on to health problems and these have carried on to the present day. I was so ill bringing our child up, and this only added to the resentment I was feeling about having a child. And there was no one to talk to because I felt so guilty. If I had been able to talk to someone about the situation, I'm sure it would have helped. I had no love for our child but managed to do my duty as it were, and I hid my feelings from him. Now, all these years later, our son is a fine young man and we are proud of him, and though I never realized it, I came to love him bit by bit. If I had my life over again I would not have had a child, but when I look at him now, in a peculiar way it's been worth it. I understand where so many of you are coming from. Take it a day at a time. Babies grow up and things get easier. Don't think of how you feel. Just do what you have to, even making yourself hug your child even if you don't want to, and one day you'll look back and give yourself a pat on the back, proud that you managed to bring him or her up despite the awful difficulties you experienced.”
One father posted anonymously about what he is going through, saying:
“I have two kids, though I never wanted any. The first was born because my (soon to be ex-) wife told me she was still on the pill; the second came along because she threatened to divorce me if we didn't have another (it's happening now so I should have called her bluff!!). I really don't like kids and I hate having them during my weekends. I have lost my life completely, I cannot find another woman because of my baggage and the child maintenance is crippling me financially. Any coping strategies anyone can think of? Thanks.”
One woman is firm in her desire to not have kids.
“When I met my boyfriend, we had a very specific talk about children. I made it clear that my position on the subject was an absolute no. I have been seeking sterilization for years, but have yet to have a doctor say yes. I'm 28 and they all seem to think I don't know my own mind, and I'll someday decide to squirt out 50 kids. It's frustrating, but I still ask, a new doctor, every year, endlessly it seems. My boyfriend said it was fine, that 'kids were the furthest thing from his mind.' Today he brings up kids, talks about how 'if you raise them right, it's awesome' and blah blah blah. And it is sure starting to sound like he does want them, and he's hoping I'll change. That loving him will be enough for me to sacrifice everything I love in my life.
“I’m so sad my heart aches and my bones creak. I love him so much. He was the love I was waiting for my whole life, and when I found him after the trainwreck of my abusive ex - I thought I hit the lotto. But I won't compromise myself.
And I won't give him babies, no matter how much I love him.”
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