This is an odd start to a long life together.
A Wedding Announcements profile on Nathaniel Peters, 30, and Barbara Jane Sloan, 31, was published in the New York Times’ Vows section on June 4, but the duo are getting an internet roasting so painful it’s cringeworthy.
As it so happens, Nathaniel is the great grandson of Maria and Georg Von Trapp (oh boy) who inspired the Von Trapp family in The Sound of Music.
“When Nathaniel Peters goes for a walk, he often sings aloud, which may be a genetic trait,” the profile reads. “His great-grandparents were Maria and Georg von Trapp, who founded the Trapp Family Singers with their children and whose story was the basis for The Sound of Music.”
Next, the groom’s good pal compares him to a dog.
“Mr. Peters, 30, also appears to have inherited Maria von Trapp’s exuberant climb-every-mountain attitude. ‘You know that look that a golden lab has when chasing a tennis ball — that’s how Nathaniel chases life,’”said Ryan Sayre Patrico.
Another friend named Clare Rose, (are we in The Great Gatsby here?) describes Nathaniel’s atrocious style to the paper of record, making sure to reveal he loves wearing bowties and has a penchant for adding funky little shoelaces to his otherwise boring sneakers.
“Growing up on Martha’s Vineyard, Mr. Peters was bookish and interested in existential questions and distinctive clothing from an early age. ‘He’s the kind of person who wants to wear bright orange shoelaces in his very fancy dress shoes,’” said Clare Rose. “He’s often seen in a bow tie or some kind of hat.”
The profile goes on to describe Nathaniel as a graduate of Boston College, who studied theology, is fluent in Latin, and loves to wear three-piece suits. Have you thrown up yet? No? It gets worse.
More on Nathaniel.
Along with his snazzy suits and shoelaces, he loves light discussions on human existence, but can also, get this, also cook dinner to the sounds of Taylor Swift.
As for bride Barbara Jane, she was a fellow student at BC, who goes by her middle name, because everything about these two is irritating.
Where their friends come from, we don’t know, but one of her pretentious posse named Jon Petkun, described her as having an “ear-piercing loveliness.” What does that even mean? A garbage truck screeching through Manhattan is ear piercing, and there’s nothing lovely about it.
So, as the universe would have it, the Warby Parker eyeglass wearing Jane (hi, Barbara) found that her friend Nathaniel wore an identical pair. Once they got to talking, Nathaniel discovered Jane ((Barbara) loved to spend her childhood summers in Indiana reading the bible.
“The two began walking back and forth to each other’s houses for long talks about early Christianity (her specialty) or the pros and cons of joining a religious order. ‘Sometimes, I could hear him coming because he would be singing to himself, usually opera,’ said Jane (but it’s Barbara.)
Someone approaching your house singing opera is usually a sign to make sure the doors are locked and to call the police immediately.
At the time, Jane was working at a bakery, and that’s all good and sweet, until she says that bringing pastries to Nathaniel’s led him to call her his “friend with breadifits.”
Now you can heave a little.
The two started watching TV and reading together, Sherlock, Downton Abbey, and Shakespeare were favorites. Note, if you like period dramas, you should try The Real Housewives of New York City.
Eventually, Jane realized the two were “just two pilgrims along the way, traveling together for a while.”
Then disaster struck.
In the summer of 2014, Jane and Nathan went to Martha’s Vineyard to shack up at his family’s compound.
“My hat blew off while we were sailing. I lost my sunglasses in the water. Nathaniel and I went swimming and there was a riptide,” says Jane.
But good old Nate didn’t care that his special lady friend was fast and loose with her sunglasses.
On July 23, 2014, Nate grabbed Jane and Something Fresh, a novel by P.G. Wodehouse, and read aloud to her under a willow tree. This went on for days until he finished the book. (With bathroom breaks and a warm place to sleep at night, we hope.) It was then they knew they wanted to read to each other for ever and ever.
On May 31, 2015, Nathaniel proposed in a stone chapel that his great-uncle, Werner von Trapp built. He had set up burning candles in the shape of a cross, so that, in addition to the opera singing can only lead us to again, call the police. It’s not a Like a Prayer video, Nate.
“He asked her to wait outside while he decorated the floor with beeswax candles arranged in the shape of a heart and a cross, which glowed in the dark like a constellation,” says the profile. “‘I came in and the first thing I remember is this beautiful smell of beeswax, this lovely, warm smell. I gave him a hug for support, like: ‘We both know what’s happening. You can do it!’”
But Jane didn’t involve the cops. Instead she married the singing, orange shoelace wearing, opera singing candle cross burner on June 4, at Blessed Sacrament Church in Stowe, VT.
He wore a “subtle and sparkly” vintage morning coat.
But the best was when the couple handed out a thick pamphlet, like the kind you get when you have to fill out health insurance info at the doctor—but longer.
“The couple created a 16-page illustrated pamphlet to guide the 172 guests through the carefully curated nuptial Mass, which was led by the Rev. Brian E. Daley, a Roman Catholic priest. Along with many prayers, blessings and readings, there were 15 different pieces of music performed. Mr. Peters described the music as: ‘Joyful, rich, lush. Lush like a forest, not like an alcoholic.’”
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