If Beyoncé made two little lemonades from her lemon of a marriage, then can others?
The topic is all over mommy blogs—someone cheated, usually the husband. Now they're trying to work it out and the wife gets pregnant. Can she ever truly forgive? Will the baby help bring them back to a good place?
“I know that is serious emotional and private question but I'm curious,” one mom writes on Community Babycenter. “My husband and I have been in intensive therapy for year and a half after finding out about his affair. It's been long hard road and after deciding we'd stay together we chose to add one more child to our life. I'm 35 and it's the end of my choosing time.
“So here I am. Still healing from that, still hurt at times but excited about something happy for our family. This is such a deeply hard subject. I'm not looking for criticism or advice. Just wanna know if there is anyone out there. I have learned that you do not know what you'd do in this situation unless your own two feet are in that situation. Hardest thing of my life.”
Women in similar situations weighed in, with one saying she has friends who have made it through affairs and had children and turned out fine.
“I have not been through this but I do have a few friends in long time marriages, eight to 10 plus years that have made it through affairs. One was a friend of mine who messed up and came clean to her husband of nine years and they decided to go to therapy and try to get through it. The other is a guy who never came clean to his wife but she found out and left him for about six months and then they decided to get back together and go to therapy. It can be very hard to make the decision to decide together but sometimes an affair lets the people in the marriage know something was wrong and that it needed to be fixed. My friend that is a woman and her husband are much happier now after a year of therapy, she really wanted one more child and he wants to wait and so they are working their way through that right now.”
Another admits to getting pregnant following her husband’s affair, saying: “Me and my husband got pregnant with our son right after he was having an affair. We were not even to the point of together or woking through it. We were just so used to sleeping together. We did it one time in about a three month period and I got pregnant. It was so hard and I understand what you are going through. We had a hard time because things didn't really get better until about April (baby due in August).”
One woman moved out after her husband cheated, only to work things out in the end and decided to have another baby.
“I found out he was having an affair with another woman. It was the most awful experience…I moved out…We literally were on our last court date for finalizing the divorce,” she writes. “The whole time I was there my heart was breaking. I lost a ton of weight and was in a very horrible place. That is when I decided that I needed to do what was right for me not what everyone told me I should be doing. Although on the outside I acted like I was moving on...on the inside I was still in love even with the hurt. After many late night heart to hearts we decided we were going to try it again. We are happily in love five years later with a 14 month son and a baby on the way.
“Statistics are not in our favor but…we made a new commitment to our faith and each other and to be honest we are much better people and family because of the affair. You never want to learn a lesson in such a horrible way but I wouldn't change it for the world…This pregnancy has been rougher with the hormones and sometimes I have to catch myself and my crazy thoughts and remind myself that it is the past because if I carry the past hurt to the future it will always be a present in my life. Don't get me wrong I learned a lot and that I will take forward but not the hurt and distrust.”
Relationship expert and Platinum Poire co-founder Rori Sassoon has come across this situation in her counseling sessions many times. She find there are a few different reasons why people get pregnant after an affair on a spouse’s part- you want your baby stop have the same father, you assume a baby will fix things, or you’ve truly forgiven and figured out the problem and are moving forward as a family.
“It depends on the person’s agenda,” Rori explains. “For Beyonce, she has everything that money can buy, she has her daughter, maybe in her mind it’s ‘I want my children all to have one father,’ so she pops out two more kids and says, ‘I’m done,” and in a sense she’s using him to have these babies.”
Many women choose to stay for that exact reason, because they believe it’s easier when the children all have the same father.
“It’s easier, and hey, they say if for some reason he’s not behaving then I’m out of here,” she says. “But in the meantime, it’s healthy genes, we make beautiful kids, I do like him, like Kourtney Kardashian it’s maybe I don’t want to be married to him, but this works, I don’t want to mess with this formula.”
Rori says she knows a woman currently going through her third divorce with a child from each of the marriages.
“Imagine how complicated that is,” she says. “Most women think one ex-husband is enough.”
If you think a new baby will automatically fix things, Rori says you’re sorely mistaken.
“Huge mistake. Huge. You’re not keeping a guy who doesn’t want to be there with a child. It’s more responsibility in every way, financially, emotionally, you’re better off not having a child,” she says.
But there are happy endings, like Bey and Jay, but Rori says you have to get to the root of why one person cheated in the first place, before you worry about expanding your family.
“You have to be able to heal. You need to be able to get through why this happened in the first place,” she says, “if you are the cheater you need to know ‘I’m bringing a child or more children into this world can I keep it in my pants?’”
“You have to truly say ‘I made a mistake and I feel bad and I’m moving on,’” she says. “If you know you can’t it’s not fair to have a baby. You have to be on the same team, you both have to have a goal. Say you’ve been in therapy and everything’s been amazing for a year, the person has regained your trust. If you have the same goal- let’s have another child- it can work.”
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