Beyond Bravo

Why Do Most People Lie To Get Out Of Bad Dates?

A expert on fibbing breaks down the reason we can't just tell the truth.

Instead of just saying, “hey, there’s no chemistry,” people often make horrible excuses to get out of a bad date, making it even more uncomfortable.

So, Personal Space called in the big guns to find out why someone on a bad date wouldn't just say they didn't feel a connection.

Known as the nation’s top Deception Detector, Pamela Meyer, has given a famous Ted Talk called How to Spot a Liar, and breaks the reasoning behind lying into two categories. 

“Why women lie is more stereotypical. Women lie more to avoid conflict and to protect other people. Although that is not always the case, it is a lot of the time,” she says. “Men lie to boost themselves up. They tell bolstering lies.”

In the case of the woman who feigned illness on a hike to get out of it, leading to the cops being called, Pamela says in cases like that, women are often trying to spare a man’s feelings.

“You have to give somebody the benefit of the doubt,” she says. “She probably didn’t want to say you drive me crazy, I don’t want to take one more step with you. Her heart may have been in the right place.”

Pamela explains that the woman’s lie was a “defensive lie,” one told for three reasons; to avoid being punished, to avoid embarrassment, or to get yourself out of an awkward social interaction.

“Even when you see the most absurd lie, you don’t know the internal monologue going on,” she says.

The other type is an “offensive lie,” which is aggressive and meant to create a positive impression, or control information for power. 

“I don’t believe it’s ever a good policy to lie, except if someone is dangerous in some way and you need to get out of the situation,” she says. 

Things can get worse later, if you don’t just tell the truth in the moment, Pamela says. 

“If you are at heart someone who really is a people pleaser, if you’re more likely to say yes then regret it later, you find yourself out in the woods like that woman,” she says, advising to catch yourself and say no in assertive and not aggressive way to a second date if you’re not into the first.

Excluding any insane behavior, Pamela says to just stick out a bad date. 

“I’m a big believer in social dignity. If it’s just inconvenient for you to stay through dessert, stay it through anyway,” she says. “You can say to someone ‘I really enjoyed meeting you,’ but I don’t see us romantically involved. It’s polite. Do your best to keep your commitment. Most people are pretty interesting. Get curious. Start to ask probing questions, you’ll find you had a great evening anyway. The next time they call, explain it wasn’t the connection you’re looking for, then you’re done.”

See? No need to have the cops called in.

Personal Space is Bravo's home for all things "relationships," from romance to friendships to family to co-workers. Ready for a commitment? Then Like us on Facebook to stay connected to our daily updates. 

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