Don't Be Tardy for the Potty

Episode 5:'s Associate Editor examines Kim's Goldilocks-esque potty shopping.

From porta-potty shopping to vow writing, this week's episode was truly a modern day fairy tale.

Don't Be Tardy for the Potty

Given Kim's aversion to people using the bathroom in her home, the only solution was to rent some porta-potties. And since this is a Kim Zolciak affair, you can be sure there are not going to be just any run-of-the-mill toilets. So off Kim goes to the porta-potty lot (because evidently such places exist) accompanied by Derek J. (And honestly thank goodness Jen canceled, because that outfit Derek J wore for the occasion was sensational.)

It then became a modern-day Goldilocks and the Three Potties, if you will. The first one was your run of the mill porta-potty (and somewhat disturbingly seemed to have been just in use), the second was a finer throne with a little personalized note for Kim, but the third one was just right -- kind of like a little RV. The choice was clear.

P.S. were those little model toilets that Kim and Derek J cheered with at the end?

The Vow

Alas, Channing Tatum was nowhere to be found while Kim attempted to write hers, but Jen luckily was on hand. And clearly these two were bound to come up with some beautiful, elegant words. Something on the level of Shakespeare, Byron, or Keats. Words that would encapsulate Kim and Kroy's pure, true, fairy-tale love for one another. Well let's review what they came up with, shall we?

"Your body is a work of art."

"When I first saw your ass, it made my va-jay-jay dance."

'Whether we're ballin', or not ballin'."

"Whether we're illin', or chillin'."

OK, so maybe not Shakespeare and more like Fifty Shades of Gray. But if you were to read this in iambic pentameter, it would probably make it sound a little more formal. Or maybe Kim should just meet with Coy secretly and get some pointers.
Big Macs on the Big Day

I have to say, Kim might want to rethink hiring Colin Cowie as her wedding planner, because Brielle and Ariana have some pretty stellar wedding ideas. As I imagine sisters are wont to do, Brielle and Ariana pondered what exactly they'd like for their own weddings. Brielle wants it to be like Kim's, just with a gold, black, and white color scheme. Oh, and some cheeseburgers.

Ariana on the other hand went the destination wedding route. It's either Key West or Fiji for her. And I suppose to go along with the tropical vibe, her colors would be purple and hot pink. And there will be cheeseburgers.

Now I'm just hoping Kim had some cheeseburgers for the girls on the big day, because it's clearly not a wedding without some. And after all, isn't ground beef an aphrodisiac?
Parental Control

I love Kim's dad. Of course he comes through as the voice of reason in Kim and Karen's dispute. He managed to stay neutral while trying to diffuse the situation, no easy feat when it comes to a bride-to-be and an angry mother. And hey, Karen came for the fitting this time, so we're making some progress.

The only thing I love more than a good Mr. Zolciak moment, is watching Kroy get defensive of Kim. It's at the same time cute and kind of hot. I don't think you'd want to find out what happens if you upset Kim in front of Kroy. I wouldn't want to see what happens when you make Prince Charming angry.
Next week it looks like Jen's in the dog house with Kim.

The Real Kim

Kim's glad you got to see her real hair, but she's not giving up her wigs any time soon.

WOW! Big episode! Let's get right to it.

My best friend Jen has ALWAYS remained behind the scenes in my "public" life, yet she has been very involved for over 12 years in my "personal" life. It never crossed my mind that she might be uncomfortable being in the forefront as my matron of honor. When Jen stopped showing up for things and calling, I wasn't sure what to think. I was so hurt. Her email couldn't have come at a better time. Here I am the day before my wedding sick as hell with a high fever, congestion, ugh. As I read her email it all made sense. I felt awful that I put her in that position, and she didn't have the heart to tell me. I was also devastated my very best friend wouldn't be standing up next to me on my big day, however Jen said it best, "I will give up my matron of honor title, but NOT my best friend title." The reason Jen and I have such a great friendship is because we always communicate. Good friends are hard to come by, and I am so blessed and thankful to have her in my life.

The big reveal What did you guys think? YES IT IS ALL MY HAIR! No clip ins, no extensions. I did have it blown out that day as I do everyday before I put my wig on, but IT IS ALL MINE. I love my wigs, I love how easy they are. You just put them on and go, you can chose straight hair, curly hair, whatever I am feeling for the day. I do not do extensions, because it damages your real hair. So I will keep on wearing my wigs until the day I decide it's time to move on. I have read a lot of the comments, blogs, etc. and I appreciate all your support! I am glad you guys were digging my real hair! Derek and Niki tried to convince me to wear my real hair for my wedding day, as you saw, and I wasn't having it! That is not the day I wanted to change up my look!

Just one more episode until the BIG day. I cant wait to watch it with you guys!

Follow me on Twitter @kimzolciak.