Cast Blog: #DONTBETARDY

Don't Be Tardy for the Potty

Wigs and Hers

Steroids and Wine

The Real Kim

Wigless in Atlanta

Painted Love

Heart of the Matter

Writer's Block

Dog in a Wig!

I am Me

Every Rose Has Its Thorn

Training Day

The Incredible Journey

There Goes Your Social Life

Don't Be Tardy for the Potty

Episode 5: Bravotv.com's Associate Editor examines Kim's Goldilocks-esque potty shopping.

From porta-potty shopping to vow writing, this week's episode was truly a modern day fairy tale.

Don't Be Tardy for the Potty

Given Kim's aversion to people using the bathroom in her home, the only solution was to rent some porta-potties. And since this is a Kim Zolciak affair, you can be sure there are not going to be just any run-of-the-mill toilets. So off Kim goes to the porta-potty lot (because evidently such places exist) accompanied by Derek J. (And honestly thank goodness Jen canceled, because that outfit Derek J wore for the occasion was sensational.)

It then became a modern-day Goldilocks and the Three Potties, if you will. The first one was your run of the mill porta-potty (and somewhat disturbingly seemed to have been just in use), the second was a finer throne with a little personalized note for Kim, but the third one was just right -- kind of like a little RV. The choice was clear.

P.S. were those little model toilets that Kim and Derek J cheered with at the end?

The Vow

Alas, Channing Tatum was nowhere to be found while Kim attempted to write hers, but Jen luckily was on hand. And clearly these two were bound to come up with some beautiful, elegant words. Something on the level of Shakespeare, Byron, or Keats. Words that would encapsulate Kim and Kroy's pure, true, fairy-tale love for one another. Well let's review what they came up with, shall we?

"Your body is a work of art."

"When I first saw your ass, it made my va-jay-jay dance."

'Whether we're ballin', or not ballin'."

"Whether we're illin', or chillin'."

OK, so maybe not Shakespeare and more like Fifty Shades of Gray. But if you were to read this in iambic pentameter, it would probably make it sound a little more formal. Or maybe Kim should just meet with Coy secretly and get some pointers.
Big Macs on the Big Day

I have to say, Kim might want to rethink hiring Colin Cowie as her wedding planner, because Brielle and Ariana have some pretty stellar wedding ideas. As I imagine sisters are wont to do, Brielle and Ariana pondered what exactly they'd like for their own weddings. Brielle wants it to be like Kim's, just with a gold, black, and white color scheme. Oh, and some cheeseburgers.

Ariana on the other hand went the destination wedding route. It's either Key West or Fiji for her. And I suppose to go along with the tropical vibe, her colors would be purple and hot pink. And there will be cheeseburgers.

Now I'm just hoping Kim had some cheeseburgers for the girls on the big day, because it's clearly not a wedding without some. And after all, isn't ground beef an aphrodisiac?
Parental Control

I love Kim's dad. Of course he comes through as the voice of reason in Kim and Karen's dispute. He managed to stay neutral while trying to diffuse the situation, no easy feat when it comes to a bride-to-be and an angry mother. And hey, Karen came for the fitting this time, so we're making some progress.

The only thing I love more than a good Mr. Zolciak moment, is watching Kroy get defensive of Kim. It's at the same time cute and kind of hot. I don't think you'd want to find out what happens if you upset Kim in front of Kroy. I wouldn't want to see what happens when you make Prince Charming angry.
Next week it looks like Jen's in the dog house with Kim.

Wigless in Atlanta

Episode 7: Bravotv.com's Associate Editor is relieved that seeing Kim's real hair didn't bring on the apocalypse.

The riddle of the Housewives sphinx was finally answered when we got a peek under Kim Zolciak's wig. Luckily seeing Kim's real hair didn't bring about the apocalypse, and Kim's big day is nearly upon us!

Drug Bust

Where has Febe been all season? She is a delight. While Kim is freaking out about her illness, Febe keeps her calm. "Take it easy, it's going to be a nice day." Perhaps she's new, but Kim's not going to be taking anything easy a day before her wedding. It's a lovely sentiment nonetheless, Febe.

So Kim's somehow keeping it together despite having a fever of 102. Febe rolls in to save the day with the customary care package -- tea, soup, and about 500 prescription drugs. Seriously, how sick was Kim that she was prescribed so much medication? If she's that ill, she should probably quarantined somewhere until the last minute possible.

Of course Kim's biggest concern is that somehow the drugs are going to make her look fat. Among the myriad warnings on prescription drug labels, I don't think I've ever seen one that says, "May induce temporary plumpness." These concerns are of course all addressed to Febe as if she's a pharmacist. She didn't seem to think it would be an issue so long as she takes them one at a time, and I believe her. Febe wouldn't lead Kim astray.

Side note: If Kim's that sick, she probably shouldn't be offering spritzes from her nasal spray to anyone.

Honorable Discharge

Phew! Kim and Jen have finally reconciled. I can relax now.

Bravo's resident Lucy and Ethel managed to patch things up once Jen sent Kim an apology email explaining why she's been out of touch. The pressure of being in the spotlight and planning had gotten to her. Her apology managed to move Kim to tears it was so touching. And I have to admit, it was moving. Jen may not be the best matron of honor, but she does know how to say she's sorry.

So Jen will no longer be Kim's matron of honor, but she will remain her best friend. Awww! Though I'm a little disappointed, because I was dying to see if Kim would make her wear one of those odd matron of honor hats.
Wigless in Atlanta

After years of waiting and wondering, Kim finally answered what has become one of the greatest mysteries in all of Housewives lore -- what's under the wig? It's one of those things where I'm sure everyone had their own mental image of what we'd find. A short, G.I. Jane look. Gingery locks. Some sort of lucky animal pelt. Who could say? Well now the speculation can finally cease. It's just hair. Hair that (call me crazy) looked nearly identical to Kim's wigs.

She has nice, normal hair! Which begs the question -- why the wigs? It would seem she simply enjoys wearing them. Why not extensions? Do wigs really save you any trouble rather than dealing with your own hair maintenance? Basically by lifting the wig curtain on this mystery, we're left with even more questions than before.
Next week Jen returns! Hurrah!