Don't Be Tardy for the Potty

Episode 5: Bravotv.com's Associate Editor examines Kim's Goldilocks-esque potty shopping.

From porta-potty shopping to vow writing, this week's episode was truly a modern day fairy tale.

Don't Be Tardy for the Potty

Given Kim's aversion to people using the bathroom in her home, the only solution was to rent some porta-potties. And since this is a Kim Zolciak affair, you can be sure there are not going to be just any run-of-the-mill toilets. So off Kim goes to the porta-potty lot (because evidently such places exist) accompanied by Derek J. (And honestly thank goodness Jen canceled, because that outfit Derek J wore for the occasion was sensational.)

It then became a modern-day Goldilocks and the Three Potties, if you will. The first one was your run of the mill porta-potty (and somewhat disturbingly seemed to have been just in use), the second was a finer throne with a little personalized note for Kim, but the third one was just right -- kind of like a little RV. The choice was clear.

P.S. were those little model toilets that Kim and Derek J cheered with at the end?

The Vow

Alas, Channing Tatum was nowhere to be found while Kim attempted to write hers, but Jen luckily was on hand. And clearly these two were bound to come up with some beautiful, elegant words. Something on the level of Shakespeare, Byron, or Keats. Words that would encapsulate Kim and Kroy's pure, true, fairy-tale love for one another. Well let's review what they came up with, shall we?

"Your body is a work of art."

"When I first saw your ass, it made my va-jay-jay dance."

'Whether we're ballin', or not ballin'."

"Whether we're illin', or chillin'."

OK, so maybe not Shakespeare and more like Fifty Shades of Gray. But if you were to read this in iambic pentameter, it would probably make it sound a little more formal. Or maybe Kim should just meet with Coy secretly and get some pointers.
Big Macs on the Big Day

I have to say, Kim might want to rethink hiring Colin Cowie as her wedding planner, because Brielle and Ariana have some pretty stellar wedding ideas. As I imagine sisters are wont to do, Brielle and Ariana pondered what exactly they'd like for their own weddings. Brielle wants it to be like Kim's, just with a gold, black, and white color scheme. Oh, and some cheeseburgers.

Ariana on the other hand went the destination wedding route. It's either Key West or Fiji for her. And I suppose to go along with the tropical vibe, her colors would be purple and hot pink. And there will be cheeseburgers.

Now I'm just hoping Kim had some cheeseburgers for the girls on the big day, because it's clearly not a wedding without some. And after all, isn't ground beef an aphrodisiac?
Parental Control

I love Kim's dad. Of course he comes through as the voice of reason in Kim and Karen's dispute. He managed to stay neutral while trying to diffuse the situation, no easy feat when it comes to a bride-to-be and an angry mother. And hey, Karen came for the fitting this time, so we're making some progress.

The only thing I love more than a good Mr. Zolciak moment, is watching Kroy get defensive of Kim. It's at the same time cute and kind of hot. I don't think you'd want to find out what happens if you upset Kim in front of Kroy. I wouldn't want to see what happens when you make Prince Charming angry.
Next week it looks like Jen's in the dog house with Kim.

Painted Love

Episode 6: Bravotv.com's Associate Editor wonders what song Kandi will be performing at the ceremony.

This week's episode was kind of a bummer with all the Jen/Kim drama. These two were not meant to be fighting. They should be sitting out somewhere drinking wine and eating Panera. Something tells me that this feud will last very long.

Painted Love

Kim's wedding may be slowly unraveling between the monstrous tent Kim's decided must come down and the fact that the florist decided to pull out ten days before the event, but she's still got her priorities straight -- sexy gifts for Kroy always come first. So amidst all the chaos, Kim goes in for a photo shoot in which she'll be wearing nothing but a painted-on jersey with Kroy's number. Because what else can you get the guy who you bought a Porsche for only months before?

There was much to be learned at this photo shoot. First, that nipples come in either gumdrop or raisin size (Kim has raisins FYI). Second, the key to success in a photo shoot is unbridled confidence. No amount of stress can keep Kim from looking sexy: "This photo shoot is the last thing I have on my mind, but I'm so damn sexy, f-ck it, I just say cheese."

Sweet Kandi

Yay! Kandi cameo! As usual, Kandi serves as the voice of reason while calming Kim during her Jen breakdown. And thank goodness, because no one wants to see Kim cry. Kim should be happily putting wigs on things, not dwelling on her missing matron of honor!

But Kandi and Kim do have a beautiful bonding moment, and Kim asked Kandi to perform at her wedding. YES! Kandi must have been relieved, because how much better is it to not be a bridesmaid? She gets to have a fun performance moment instead. The question is, what will she sing? I'm personally hoping she goes old school and does Don't Think I'm Not.

Matron of Dishonor

Jen and Kim need to make up, because they're too funny together to be feuding. And you know it's bad when Kim has to send Kroy out to deal with a situation. And man, he is good at dealing with difficult people! If this football thing doesn't work out, he should consider some kind of job involving negotiations. Or perhaps he can just be Atlanta's resident Housewife whisperer.

Luckily Jen was completely receptive and did the right thing by heading home. A go kart rink is no place for a confrontation. (Although there are helmets readily available, so maybe it's a better venue than you'd think.)

Next week Kim's biggest secret is revealed when she finally shows us what's under the wig!