Cast Blog: #DONTBETARDY

Every Rose Has Its Thorn

Wigs and Hers

Steroids and Wine

The Real Kim

Wigless in Atlanta

Painted Love

Heart of the Matter

Writer's Block

Don't Be Tardy for the Potty

Dog in a Wig!

I am Me

Training Day

The Incredible Journey

There Goes Your Social Life

Every Rose Has Its Thorn

Episode 3: Bravotv.com's Associate Editor wants to book an appointment with Psychic Rose.

Kim's in-laws are from rural Montana. Kim is one of The Real Housewives of Atlanta. This is obviously a recipe for mayhem, and lucky for all of us, the cameras were rolling the whole time. Let's take a look at how Kim handled the Biermann invasion. (Spoiler: It involved cigarettes, wine, and pizza.)

Every Rose Has Its Thorn

Is there a Psychic Rose waiting list, and can I get on it? This woman seems to be the real deal, and I could always use some life guidance. Rose has predicted both of Kim's kids with Kroy, and she just gives off really good vibes. Sort of like if your grandmother doled out predictions (rather than judgments and Worther's Originals).

But this time Rose had some not great news about Kim's in-laws. To put it bluntly, they don't want Kroy to marry Kim. What?! Do they not realize how great this will be? Christmas' spent listening to Tardy for the Mistletoe, Kim dressed as Mrs. Claus, holiday wigs. But OK, maybe they just need some convincing since they've only met Kim once. And Kim is determined to win them over, so perhaps this is one premonition of Rose's that won't come true.

Pizza Party!

How many members of the Zolciak-Biermann household does it take to warm up a pizza? Well it was definitely a group effort due the the missing pizza stone. But luckily after a few moments of clattering noises and still no stone, Kim put her McGyver wig on and came up with a solution -- throw it on top of an upside down cookie sheet. Kim is nothing if not a problem solver.

However I had a few questions about this scene:

1. Why not just put the pizza directly on the rack?
2. It looked like a delivery pizza, so why was it cold?
3. Was one pizza really enough for all of these people?
4. Most importantly -- Why was no one eating pizza when we cut to their dinner?

Perhaps the upside down cookie sheet idea didn't pan out quite so well. But to be fair, Kim's made it clear that she's not a cook by any means.

Buzz-Worthy

Leave it to Kim to find some sort of miracle non-surgical facelift. And of course it involves odd face paint and the plastic surgeon rubbing her with a strange (electrical?) apparatus. Because none of Kim's wonder cures are ever free from some manner of embarrassment.

And Jen's along for the ride, which brightens any scene. And given we're coming off a season full of Bedroom Kandi, Kim and Jen can't help but make vibrator jokes about the doctor's, well, vibrator. Was that thing really manufactured for the sole purpose of distracting patients from pain? I'm skeptical as to the effectiveness of that thing, but whatever works.

O Mother, Where Art Thou?

In her continued attempt to win over the Biermann brood, Kim calls in her trusty stylist, Shun, to bring in some mother-appropriate dresses for Kathy and her own mother, Karen. Kathy was a good sport, but something tells me she was a bit put off at first by Shun's funky style. But once she got to scope out the styles, she was sold. Except for the "cleavage," which quite frankly I didn't see, but sure, raise that neckline and add a dickey if you like.

But oh wait, what happened to Karen? Evidently she got caught up putting on deodorant. What? How hot was it that day? In any event, Karen never showed and just wanted Kim to send her pictures of the dress options. That's no fun! Hopefully she didn't come in person because of the deodorant crisis and not because she was still irritated from their first foray into dress shopping. 

Next week Kim's mom takes it too far when she threatens not to come to the wedding. You know it's bad if Kroy has to get involved.

Wigless in Atlanta

Episode 7: Bravotv.com's Associate Editor is relieved that seeing Kim's real hair didn't bring on the apocalypse.

The riddle of the Housewives sphinx was finally answered when we got a peek under Kim Zolciak's wig. Luckily seeing Kim's real hair didn't bring about the apocalypse, and Kim's big day is nearly upon us!

Drug Bust

Where has Febe been all season? She is a delight. While Kim is freaking out about her illness, Febe keeps her calm. "Take it easy, it's going to be a nice day." Perhaps she's new, but Kim's not going to be taking anything easy a day before her wedding. It's a lovely sentiment nonetheless, Febe.

So Kim's somehow keeping it together despite having a fever of 102. Febe rolls in to save the day with the customary care package -- tea, soup, and about 500 prescription drugs. Seriously, how sick was Kim that she was prescribed so much medication? If she's that ill, she should probably quarantined somewhere until the last minute possible.

Of course Kim's biggest concern is that somehow the drugs are going to make her look fat. Among the myriad warnings on prescription drug labels, I don't think I've ever seen one that says, "May induce temporary plumpness." These concerns are of course all addressed to Febe as if she's a pharmacist. She didn't seem to think it would be an issue so long as she takes them one at a time, and I believe her. Febe wouldn't lead Kim astray.

Side note: If Kim's that sick, she probably shouldn't be offering spritzes from her nasal spray to anyone.

Honorable Discharge

Phew! Kim and Jen have finally reconciled. I can relax now.

Bravo's resident Lucy and Ethel managed to patch things up once Jen sent Kim an apology email explaining why she's been out of touch. The pressure of being in the spotlight and planning had gotten to her. Her apology managed to move Kim to tears it was so touching. And I have to admit, it was moving. Jen may not be the best matron of honor, but she does know how to say she's sorry.

So Jen will no longer be Kim's matron of honor, but she will remain her best friend. Awww! Though I'm a little disappointed, because I was dying to see if Kim would make her wear one of those odd matron of honor hats.
Wigless in Atlanta

After years of waiting and wondering, Kim finally answered what has become one of the greatest mysteries in all of Housewives lore -- what's under the wig? It's one of those things where I'm sure everyone had their own mental image of what we'd find. A short, G.I. Jane look. Gingery locks. Some sort of lucky animal pelt. Who could say? Well now the speculation can finally cease. It's just hair. Hair that (call me crazy) looked nearly identical to Kim's wigs.

She has nice, normal hair! Which begs the question -- why the wigs? It would seem she simply enjoys wearing them. Why not extensions? Do wigs really save you any trouble rather than dealing with your own hair maintenance? Basically by lifting the wig curtain on this mystery, we're left with even more questions than before.
Next week Jen returns! Hurrah!