Jeff on the witch: "I guess she takes it seriously, she has a hat and a broom. As far as I know, that's how she got here."

Gage on the witch: "The fact that she's a witch is a little scary to me, and I immediately thought this is just stupid."

Jeff while administering Monkey's medicine: "Jenni let me give you some medication to help numb the pain of working here."

Zoila reading from Sex Tips from Guys: "Wet your lips and moan that you can't wait to taste me."

Zoila to Jeff when he makes her read from Sex Tips from Guys: "You so pervert."

Deb talking to a contractor: "T-ball's for pussies"

Jeff on his doctor's advice that he reduce his stress level: "I think what's going to reduce stress is to scare Andrew."

Jeff to Zoila on how to dispose of the overflowing trash: "Put it in the neighbor's trash can, that's what I do."

Zoila to Gage: "You like big balls."

Andrew on topiary balls: "That's going to be a lot of manicuring for the gardener to keep these balls up."

Jeff on Zoila and Gage's reconciliation: "What I don't want is just like birds chirping, and butterflies, and rainbows. I don't want to live that way."

Andrew: "He was about as useless as tits on a nun."

Zoila on her nickname for Gage: "You know your name, 'Barbie Bitch.'"

JEff: "Look at Jenni, even with all that make up she found someone."

Zoila while looking for a date: "I'm looking that way, married. I'm looking that way, gay. I look in front, Jeffrey. Oh my gosh, I say no, this is not my day."

Jeff during the wedding speeches: "Everytime they say 'God' we have to drink."

Jeff on the reception: "I think it made the Rose Parade look like a high school production."

Jeff: "By the way, Jenni's family's praying right now, and you're telling condom jokes."

Jeff on Jonathan's bachelor party: "How many hookers has he lined up?"

Jeff on Jonathan's bachelor party: "You gave him the green light to dry hump a stripper."

Jeff: "We all know I'm not above whoring out my employees for discounts."

Jeff on Zoila's sass: "I just think that most people would shut the fuck up and clean the cat box."

Jeff on Jenni's need to lose weight before her impending nuptials: "It's really truly going to be My Big Fat Greek Wedding"

Grandma Patty: "I hate my grandson."

Jeff threatening his grandmother: "Unless you want to go into a home, I'd be real careful."

Jeff on Gage's moping: "Debbie downer is not happy, and Debbie is going to remind me every chance she can that she wants to move into Gramercy."

Jeff: "If Gage and I ever break up, I would consider just dating a blow up doll."

Gage on Jeff's hiring practices: "Jeff's ideal candidate is entertaining and making just awful comments about inappropriate things at the office."

Jeff on Jenni's weight: "You've got like a donkey booty right now."

Jenni on Jeff's "sexual mileage": "Jeff gets to get a tour of the cockpit, if you know what I mean when I say cockpit..."

Jeff on rehiring Andrew despite his lying: "And he didn’t murder anyone, as far as I know."

Jeff: "Speaking of chorizo, are you going to see Jonathan this weekend?"

Jeff while waiting for a client: "We found productive ways to pass the time which was racing each other down the hall in moon boots."

Jeff on Andrew's failings: "If you forget another thing in 24 hours, I'm going to write dipsh-- on your forehead."

Jeff to Zoila: "I don't know if that plant speaks Spanglish."

Andrew on cabinet pulls: "I heard that once you go black, you don't go back."

Jeff on Andrew's inappropriate comment: "If you can focus on your work and not Frank's penis, that would be really helpful."

Jenni's argument to Lisa for raising the budget: "You said you might even be buried there, so let's make it nice."

Jenni's trade off for lowering the contractor's estimate: "I will come perform as a rapping lizard or an animal of your choice."

Andrew: "Other times I’d rather slurp rancid tuna fish salad out of Nancy's ass."

Jeff: "People who have jobs do not pet sit. That is ridiculous."

Jenni: "I was told one of the employees felt very uncomfortable when you brought up her urinary habits, so unfortunately I have to write you up."

Gage: "I'm the wrong person to try and get sympathy from. It's just not available."

Zoila fishing for compliments: "And what about the Zoila?"

Jeff on Jenni talking about her wedding: "She's gonna stretch this out until we're all vomiting...blood."

Jeff: "I don't mind an immediate no. As long as I can turn that immediate no into a yes."

Jenni: "The Greeks like to party. And then nap. And then party"

Jenni on Andrew's bridesmaid dress modeling: "He's clearly rocked a short dress before."

Jeff on Jenni's large guest list: "I do know that if you get hit by a bus, you'll invite the busdriver to the wedding."

Jenni on Jeff's outfit: "Did you just come from the set of Mr. Roger's?"

Jenni on the tampon talk: "We do need to probably set up some ground rules, like don't talk about people's bathroom habits in front of the entire office."

Zoila to Jeff: "Your poo poo don't smell?"

Jeff on teasing Zoila: "It's a little cruel, but I just love it."

Jeff on Andrew's need to be employed full time: "I'm not saying that I'm going to take advantage of the situation, but I'm going to take advantage of the situation."

Jeff on pranking Andrew: "I would say Jeff Lewis Design is a fraternity. There's a certain amount of hazing that goes on here."