Oh Coco... Just so everybody knows -- I'm still not speaking to Liza and as is the case with all my celebrity fights, she has no idea that we are in a fight. But I just feel like I needed her to be there for me, as I have been there for her so many times...even though I've never met her. I just wanted her to come backstage at Carnegie Hall and say something gay and fabulous like, "Look who it is? It's Kathy with a K!" And then she would hug me so tightly one of her fake eyelashes would get stuck in my hair.

As you may expect, I've had to hire extra security for Jessica and frankly she has compromised the safety of my home with her legions of fans standing outside my front door chanting her name night and day. She has become utterly unapproachable and has fired me three times in the last six months. Tiffany, Tom and I are scared shitless of her because of her ardent fans: the "Jessi-mates."

Meanwhile, Tiffany is also scared that she'll be found out as a charlatan. Even though she tells me that she has a degree from Cal. State Long Beach -- or some other inconsequential school in California -- I'm still convinced that Tiffany attends high school in the evenings.

I've actually caught her lying about her age...twice. I think she might be about 15 and every time I see her in the morning I feel like Joe Francis, waking up with an under-aged coed he just videotaped.

That's all for now. Don't miss episode 2. I promise, I don't cry in that one!