HURRY UP AND KUWAIT
So I get to Kuwait, and even though I've been traveling for about 147 hours, we don't even have time to nap or shower -- or order Kuwaiti pay-per-view movies in the hotel -- because we had to go to the base to get ready for the show.
And by "get ready for" I mean "beg people to come to." We literally went door-to-door like Amway sales people to tell everyone about the show. Basically, we bothered the Army. And it's not like it's a small base. That place is huge. It's got a Pizza Hut AND a McDonald's. It's just one giant Halliburton playground.
Okay, first of all, I'm really grateful to Keri Turner and Michael McDonald for coming to entertain the troops with me, but I have to say, I'm still really bitter that Stuart killed and I didn't. I just can't believe that the armed forces care more about a seven-year-old character than my seven-year-old Nicole Kidman jokes. And he just did the voice -- he didn't even have the rouge or the wig!
But that didn't bother these army people one bit. The whole time we were there, people would pass Michael and me, and scream, "HEY LOOK IT'S STEWART!... and the girl from News Radio." But besides the lack of recognition, the hardest part about performing for the troops was that I just had no idea what to expect. And I'm not just talking about the fact that they weren't up-to-date on pop culture. We also found out that the soldiers didn't like to make fun of their superiors as much as we thought they would. So great -- no pop culture and no making fun of people... there goes 90% of my act. Which is why I decided early on to rely on the other 10% -- swearing like a truck driver. The army put a lot of language restrictions on me, but I said f**k 'em. These soldiers have seen real bombs -- I doubt they're gonna get offended if I drop a few F-bombs.