Also, I heard from one of the sound guys on the shoot that when he was putting Johnny's mic on, Johnny told him how scared he was of me. Which of course just made me love him more. And I just really respect that he's still going after a wall of s**t fell on him, and there were all those nasty articles about him, and he's gotten death threats -- how crazy is that? He's a 20-year-old, three-time national champion who still lives at home with his parents, and he's gotten death threats because he didn't win a gold medal! That's f-ed up.

Although I have to admit that it was very upsetting how he picked up Jessica so effortlessly, but when he tried to lift me, he clearly pulled something. And that was after I lost the 17 pounds. I think I'll go beat the crap out of Jessica right now to make myself feel better... ...Okay, I'm back. And don't worry about Jessica. She took her beating like a lady.

CHARITY IS TIRING

People ask me all the time how I end up at all the crazy charity events I end up at, but the truth is, all those invitations just come to me as a D-lister. I'm sure Mario Lopez gets the same e-mails I do. And I'm sure Paws for Style also invited people like Hilary Swank and Keira Knightly. But they know they're never gonna get those people, so they start going down the list, and if you go far enough down the list, you get Griffin.

I get requests for appearances every day. Mostly from the gays. And any time I can't do one, they get super pissed off. God forbid I'm unavailable the day of the annual Chattanooga Gay/Lesbian/Cross-Gender/Transvestite Bake-Off -- because then I've got the entire Chattanooga Gay/Lesbian/Cross-Gender/Transvestite baking community up my ass. And, frankly, I've got enough people up my ass already. There's only so much room up there, people. But it's not just the gays who put in requests.