Ahh, the sweet, anonymous embrace of the internet. How I’ve missed you. Those of you unfamilz (internet speak for unfamiliar) with me, a quick intro: I’m Michelle Collins, the tall lady with bangs and eyeliner who sometimes appears on Kathy as one of her “civilian panelists.” But what you may not know about me is that when I’m not finding the perfect sequined tunic to wear alongside the always elegant Ms. Griffin (that sound you just heard was the boss bonus points rolling in), I actually work behind-the-scenes as a producer on the show. Seeing as I’ve spent the last 6 years of my life blogging for a living, you can imagine how different things are for me now. The main difference being I put pants on during the day.
But enough about me!* (*No such thing.) Today, I want to take you deep into the glamorous world of working on a big budget television show. I can’t lie: It’s pretty amazing. And my fellow co-workers agree. In fact, just the other day I took an informal Kathy office survey asking folks what their favorite part of the show is. And while I got a bunch of answers -– being creative, the camaraderie of working with one another and with a legend like Kathy Griffin, the pride we take in seeing our hard work come to life –- there was one thing, one glorious thing, that we all agreed made working here at Kathy well-worth our time:
The Craft Services Table.
Food, y’all. You need it. You love it. And here at Kathy, we get it. Once a week. For free. I know. #HOLLYWOOD
Starting in the afternoon of tape day, our beautiful cornucopia of processed foods and dips present themselves to us in the studio, courtesy of Daniel, the lovely gentleman who procures these delights to us throughout the day. “Crafty,” as we in the biz refer to the table, is our office water cooler, where all the employees gather round to gossip, joke, and eat cubes of cheese and peanut butter cups and other things I would never buy for the house but will line my gums with if given the option.So to give you guys an exclusive peek into the dazzling world of television, let’s take a look at what the crafty table had to offer us this week:
Here it is, guys. This is our Mecca. Let’s go deeper.
Alright, this is looking promising so far. You got your crackers, your cheese, your spicy Doritos… and hol’ up. HOL’ UP. To the left… is that what I think it is? It is. IT’S SEVEN-LAYER DIP. This stuff flies off the table! There’s only one thing to do in a situation like this…
RESERVE THAT SH-T FOR LATER.
But it’s not all fun and dips… I kid. IT IS ALL DIPS. Like this beautiful but oft ignored vegetable tray, featuring the most adorable thing on the table. Can you spot it? Look harder. Do you see it now?
TINY BELL PEPPERS. Just kidding, I have the hands of a monster.
At one point during the taping/feasting, I got super excited because I thought they had put out some ground beef and bread, like Grandma used to make. I was sliiightly bummed when I found out it was actually plain old olive tapenade, but felt a little better after consuming the entire bowl in 60 seconds while wearing a tiny bread hat.But what sort of things were my co-workers indulging in?
Here’s Mina, eating some saltines, which I’m going to take as a subtle sign that she’s probably pregnant.
And here’s our producer Ken, showing us his signature “Cauliflower Smile” the ladies can’t get enough of.
And here’s Briana, who hashtags all her tweets with #ILovePudding, #WhoHasPudding, and #StarvingRightNow.
Can you guess which of these items I myself chose to eat?
Clearly the one with the prize inside! Here I am pouring Cracker Jacks onto my laptop (aka my food slab) in search of this illustrious prize. Remember when Cracker Jack prizes used to be something to look forward to? Well here’s an update:
They suck now. You can’t really see what it is, because I have a strict “Only Bangs and Eyes” policy on every photograph taken of me, but I can assure you, it went right into my trashcan, alongside the millions of foil Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup wrappers that somebody left in there.
So, as though you needed yet another reason to quit your boring old day job and leave it all behind for the glamour of old Hollywood, here’s another: We get to eat snacks whenever we want while engaging in little to no exercise.
Make sure to watch the all new episode of Kathy tonight on Bravo at 10/9c. The craft services table isn’t on it (give it time), but there are three smoking hot firefighters on the show, none of whom caught glimpse of me putting food in my mouth. Victory.
Until next time!