As it turns out, this passive-aggressive assertion of power with me turned out to be typical in her relationship with Steven. Because of the cultural expectations of women, her own upbringing, and the dynamic in their relationship, Tamara had learned to put her own power aside so that she can be liked and not ruffle feathers. But also because also wants respect for her intelligence and capability, she is in conflict.  So, she uses indirect or passive-aggressive means to assert her power that can end up being destructive to the relationship.

Talking about this seemed to make Steven uncomfortable. He even mocked the quote by Rosanne Barr that I paraphrased but actually reads, “The thing women have yet to learn is nobody gives you power. You just take it.” This is going to clearly upset the dynamic in the relationship, but speaking up for what she wants is something Tamara needs to be doing more. And, Steven needs to do his part by taking her seriously, listening to her, and accepting her influence. Once this happens the relationship will thrive.

A post-script: what you may not have seen was the clear love and respect that Tamara and Steven did have for each other. Though we did uncover issues that were getting in the way of the relationship moving forward, they also had far more strengths that we could use to support their bond. And, I am happy to report that Tamara and Steven are getting married!