Losing My Religion

Lori explains why it was so hard to find a date for Jonathan.

This episode kicks off with my meeting with a potential client, Jonathan. As per usual, I need to meet my clients and make sure that they are a good fit for my service at Project Soulmate. He immediately passed my test, and while he may not be on the cover of Fortune 500 magazine, he has some amazing qualities that many women would love. He loves kids, volunteers as a swim instructor, and works as a tri-athlete trainer. I quickly find out he is looking for a good Christian woman; a woman that is serious about her faith and makes it to church every Sunday is at the top of his list -- a MAJOR challenge. Religious girls are hard to find in a city like New York, where a carefree breeze blows through the city. When asking about religion, the response we usually get involves the words spirituality and yoga. We like Jonathan though, so Jenn and I are happy to find his perfect woman.
 
Next, we meet with Jesse again. Ugh, what a disappointment. Our advice just seems to go in one ear and out the other. We were interested in hearing more about his date with Stephanie, but to our surprise he still hadn’t kissed her. If you are interested in a girl, you kiss her. Period. End of story. Be aggressive and don’t send mixed messages. Will he ever learn? I hope so; after all, we know best.
 
Back with Jonathan, we begin to explore what he is truly looking for in a girl. Jonathan has quite the checklist, and I find myself nervous as to whether or not I can deliver; luckily I’m always up for a challenge. His search parameters: a southern belle, religious, down to earth, energy like the Energizer Bunny, and most importantly a shagger. I was immediately thrown by Jonathan’s honesty. Hey, maybe NYC is rubbing off on him after all. But, staying true to his southern charm, he explains that shagging means dancing. Got it. This is a tall order, but coming right up!

A new client, Jamie, is a piano savant. He is very talented and uses music as a means to express himself. I have a challenge on my hands. I need to find out what is holding him back from finding love and single-handedly tear down 40 years of the thick walls he's so masterfully crafted to protect himself from getting hurt. Vulnerability is one of the most important things when it comes to finding love, and I share this with Jamie. Love is never going to come to you if you are not capable of putting yourself out there. My solution? Boot camp! The boot camp was a no-brainer for Jamie, because if he understands that women want a man that is vulnerable and open, maybe he won’t be so scared to open up.
 
Back to Jonathan for a second. This Jewish girl is off to church! I don’t use the Internet to find women for my clients. I go out into the real world and find them. Watch out NYC ladies! Don’t be surprised if I approach you.
 
Next up, our boot camp for Jamie! If you are not going to be vulnerable to love, you will not find it. The woman gave some great advice to Jamie: just be yourself, be authentic, and be open for an amazing woman!
At Project Soulmate, we believe blind dates are the best method to keep things as organic as possible. It's our process, and it has proven to work time and time again!
 
We set Jonathan up on a blind date on the Brooklyn Bridge. Bravo, Jonathan, great move with the rose. Women love a thoughtful guy. I guess he is hoping this leads to a good shagging. And we soon see that that is on the agenda. However, I am not sure if they had the best moves together. Nicole said the chemistry was lacking. Chemistry is the hardest part of our business. I know we can put two people together who could be soul mates, but I cannot predict the chemistry.
 
What was missing? Nicole lost her energy…You only have a couple hours on a first date to make a great impression. Let your energy die down after the date.
 
Last, but certainly not least, we have Jamie's date. I can tell that Jamie is very nervous, but I am happy that he put himself out there. His date with Michelle went extremely well. Their conversation was engaging and they seemed to have a lot in common. They both come from musical families and love to perform. He even asked her out on a second date at the end of the first date. Nothing makes me happier then when a guy follows my advice! It is the most rewarding feeling of my job when two people feel the chemistry and want to go out again.
 
I hope you enjoyed this week!
 
xo,
Lori

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Nobody's Perfect

Lori Zaslow thinks Pele was too hung up on finding a partner with no flaws.

"The love we give away is the only love we keep."
-- Elbert Hubbard

Let me be really clear as I repeat myself:

1. Dating is a game. Love is not.
2. Love is a process. So is our service.
3. To find your soul mate you must be ready to work on YOURSELF. Your flaws are not all loveable, even to your soul mate.
4. A soul mate is also not a PERFECT person. They are someone who brings out your best potential thus leading to a more fulfilling life. Sustaining this relationship for life is typically VERY CHALLENGING.
5. Hence, they do not come wrapped in a little bow on a silver platter ready to personally heal and fulfill all of your unmet needs. You have to GIVE, COMPROMISE, and often SACRIFICE -- happily.
6. Long-lasting love takes hard work and daily maintenance.
7. Everyone has a lot to learn about love.
8. There is more than one someone for everyone.
9. Have the courage and find the strength to GET VULNERABLE for love.
10. When it is real, it's all worth it.

Pele seemed like a ball of charm, wit, and coming from a seed of elite success -- the perfect package. And here we have our first problem. He is critical of others over very little, probably because he thinks the goal in life is to be perfect. Thus he fears getting vulnerable enough to let love reflect back the very thing he needs to learn about to grow and mature -- his imperfections. In this space you just get permanently stuck in a one-sided dead end relationship with yourself and a history of supposedly "not good enough” exes. Shante was exactly what he swore he wanted. What happened to his last "love" so deeply affecting him that she altered his milkshake preferences forever? Horror movies were a hard limit for him? Protective shell -- NO DEPTH. But deep down at the "soul" level, you sense why you are alone and you slowly find it harder to truly love yourself.

Why do we all think we have to be perfect to deserve love? Love is compassion and empathy. It's not only a thing you get, it's also a thing you do -- a verb AND a noun. Remember the Golden Rule?

Brendan's second date with Justine was the perfect example of the "work" paying off. Open, positive, gently self-deprecating, willing to work on his flaws, getting vulnerable, taking a risk, and being more of himself – he showed her what was behind the hilarious and equally protective shell. And the boy becomes a man. According to most women I know, a strong man is someone who can say, "I'm a little nervous," without falling apart or looking like a wuss. Not the smoothest date, but a great match like Justine found him just endearing enough to give him another chance.


Think of the dating game as soul mate training. The rejection, loss, and hurt of the past can heal if you do the work on your path to finding "the one." So, take a deep breath and fall in love. Repeat.

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