Today's shoot is we are to look into a mirror and express how we feel sometimes when we look at ourselves. I'm thinking about when I left home and how much pain and sadness I created for my family. They believe that because I know better that the life I choose (cutting my hair, piercing my ears, wearing immodest clothes) is against the bible and I will go to Hell if I don't repent and change my sinful ways. I spend part of my morning thinking depressed thoughts trying to learn to cry on the spur of a moment. I hate showing my true inner self. This sucks because bringing all this emotion to the surface of 13 people's minds is gonna create weird moods. I go into set, pull out my emotion, thank the photographer, and asked if I could do anything and got out! On the way out I heard the photographer say "She needed no direction. That was great — it's rare!" I need to win this shoot because we get to go to Montreal Fashion Week if we do, but I don't. Amanda wins because she danced with no music and I'm sure she told her sob story and showed a lot of emotion as she usually does. Branden won because he wasn't what she expected. Amanda, Mountaha, Branden, and Colin going to Montreal. The rest of us go home and mope. then everyone talks about missing family and of course that leads to sex talk. I miss everything! I even miss my jobs!
This catwalk ends up being the most embarrassing catwalk. Somehow we all misunderstood the brief and we all looked like psycho people. I dread the world seeing this and even when they say to be extreme there is an over-the-top! Amanda was too sexy and the judges told her so. She was emotional again and cried they thought she was doing it for sympathy and she probably was ... this competition is not for the emotionally weak. I'm learning from experience.
Shawn went home. I'm gonna miss him. He is a sweet AND caring person.
I feel smothered and emotionally drained this week. I miss my independence. I hate being told everything I can and can't do! I'm blessed to be here and I keep telling myself and I'm starting to feel better already.
Oh yeah, by the way CJ is a liar. She sees herself at this angle that nobody else can even comprehend. She said today on the catwalk her outfit was stabbing her and blood was running down her leg. When I asked to see the wound she showed me a dried up peeling scab! I have no patience for liars.