I am confused by your statements. I never saw any behavior that the Lord would condone in your actions or thoughts. You certainly are showing another side of Atlanta, a bitter angry and jealous side that really should stay hidden. While I feel sad you have to address the adoption issue before you feel your child is ready, you own a part of this in sharing a "family" secret. "Family secrets" are just that, for the FAMILY. It's a hard lesson to learn. Being adoptive is a wonderful thing but if your views on it (which come across like shame) are sensed by your child
it will have a long and lasting effect. Seek help professionally before broaching this issue. I do wish you well in this matter.