I Choose To Be Me
Maria reflects on the season, and offers some words of advice.
Please show me a funny movie. After watching the finale of Miami Social I wanted to weep. Weep so hard that wolfs on an imaginary moon would hear me and come play with me and we can make it into a positive experience instead of the earth shattering, walls sweating in tears, give me 11 pills to take all at ones to kill myself, sweet one.
In one of the previous comments on my blogs a "viewer" asks if that is at all possible to be positive and assertive when life is a total mess and you dont see light at the end of the tunnel. My answer is yes. This is one of the two ways you can work this situation. One we all know. A lot of people follow quitting for real route. And I dont blame them. It is an easier way out. We all are going to die one day. I'd rather die knowing I tried to make my life enjoyable first. Another way (BETTER FOR ME) is to stay positive. To learn to twist your attitude around (it's all in your head, trust me) is by doing things that make us want to smile and that change our moods to the right direction. It's that simple and physical. To try and try and try and try and try. I promise there is always sun after the rain. The same viewer asks if that would have really helped if someone was there to tell me to be positive and assertive and pat me on shoulder in my harder days?
The answer is YES YES YES. I cant stress enough how important it is to have a support system. Please go out there to cafes, libraries, clubs, just go for a walk in a park, join your local photography club (pick a club for the hobby you have), put an advert online on dating site, reconnect with your friends that live nearby. Do ANYTHING to start communicating with people and build friendships. Go do fun things together that will help you bond and become better friends. Then in the moment when u feel your throat is tightened by fear and all you can think of is that roof of that building across from yours and flying down like a bird if only for 1 minute until you hit it hard, when you feel your heart squeezed with unexplainable turmoil and the need to flush it out of your chest cavity you can reach out to your friend, stalk their doorway if needed and get that pat on shoulder and help. Sometime when your friend feels low and u want to cheer them up by taking them to new art exhibit or buying them a glass of champagne and share, you inadvertently pick your own spirits up.
Having friends is all around good. For you and for them. I am experiencing highs and lows a lot even now and I am far from where I see myself on life's map. It does not however stop me from enjoying myself in everyday simple things. I do still feel lonely and it's even worse knowing Angelika is far away in school. My cats warm my bed when I come home alone after party or a long photo shoot (to answer numerous questions about where you can see more of my work go to my website http://www.marialankina.com) and there are times when I want to "hang my chaps" and just give up. But I am not letting myself. I feel like I always can go for that later, if ever.
I choose to dream big, do my yoga every day, cycle in gym instead of shrink visits, work on my fine art and have my assistant busy with organizing my jet set travels all over the globe plotting the world take over that's OH SO SWEET and hey everyone can enjoy this ride with me! I choose to be me. When I am on a roller-coaster at amusement park, the one that scares the sh*t out of everyone - baby strapped around me and in for a ride that might make their pants wet, I am envisioning myself getting an Oscar on stage in a beautiful gown and you know what I feel? JOY and overlwelming heart warmth , not fear of the construction falling down and my insides splattering on metal railings of it. Power of visualization takes us to incredible heights. TRY IT. Tell me how it works for you.
I feel like there is never going to be a boring 100% calm period in our lives. I am learning to feel grateful for challenge. Whether it is in our jobs or personal relationships. Challenges and difficulties meant to make us grow. Our souls and our hearts. I feel it's not about what the problem is, but how you deal with it. So you learn. Learn to appreciate it and embrace it.
I feel for everyone (my friends) on the show. I feel for Lina and George, they are trying and this is admirable. I wish there was someone to REALLY help them figure it all out. I wonder if we can fully UNDERSTAND each other. I felt frustrated numerous times in my life and relationships where I felt I was from Venus and they were from Mars (book by John Gray) and I really wanted to talk to them using language we both would fully understand. I still do not know if that in fact is a possibility. I am also learning there is not ONE truth — mine of-course, but many. As many as there are people involved in one particular argument (reading my friend's autobiography and learning it on the fly). I wonder why I had to meet this guy just now and not 15 years ago when the realization of multiple truths existence would have saved me so many tears (hey I could use them to add on to the ocean's salt, so global warming would not be a real threat :). Now I also wonder if I can actually implement this thinking in my life??? Can you ??
I feel for Katrina. I have been asked if I am jealous of her and if that is why I pick on her. I dont think i am jealous. It's just my habit of calling people out on their BS (or what I think is BS) when I see it peek it's ugly face out from under the life's regularity. My kudos for Kat's growing experience. Hey when I was 28 (like Kat now) I made a bunch of mistakes too, that are painful to think of, and boy I am not sure I would want them to be documented in areality TV based way. I really wish more of what's REALLY happening in Kat's head and life was out there. It's a far better learning experience for everyone viewing THAT, then something you can only see when u dig an inch deep.
I feel for Michael. He would do so well just being born a girl in 1950s. He would make an amazing housewife with talent to turn into that bitch in bed and glamourpuss on man's hand at the dare events of the year. But he is born in male's body) hot one albeit :) with receding hair (he is working on it and dont u dare to blame him for it, and PLEASE dont tell him to just shave his head, he will cry in response and hate you forever : ) and he has an amazing six pack. He is smart. And a very talented writer and soon to become a very successful business entrepreneur. I wish for the right investor to cross Michael's path and for the style lab online get wider audience! With the right team put together(in place) and passion (in place) and right investment (?) it will grow to become successful business of helping others to be better themselves.
I feel for Trixia because she can join the "my boyfriends is an asshole" club and that is not where we all want to be. I wish for Hardy to stop playing host in his own life and take charge of it and go for what he wants rather then trying to satisfy other people's needs only and then finding himself unhappy with the way it makes him feel. TRAPPED.
I feel for Ariel but u know what? He will be just fine. Because money can always buy you another session with shrink. And money is what he says he has. So all I can give is peck on a cheek and pat on shoulder and Ariel you can always call me for that :)
I feel for Sorah and wish her to let go. I know how hard it can be and I do not know if that is at all possible. Especially when you live in the same building. But I am sure sooner or later things will settle down in her heart and i am sure that will be the right choice.
I read in LA times this week in interview with Criss Angel: "When we're kids, we sit there and play with mom's brush and pretend it to be an airplane, because we're able to suspend our disbelief. But as we get to be adults, society tells us that's wrong and we have to conform." Please don't ever conform.
We are still here - IT IS SOMETHING. Here is my order for you from the menu of life - MAKE IT COUNT! Check back on me often on me on my website http://www.marialankina.com I have fallen into habit of blogging about what had happened in my life and what I am going through and for some of you it can work as an inspiration to go and get it ! I need your support as much as you need mine. Together we can make this world spin! That's what friends are for.