Take No Prisoners
Michael recaps his fave moments and he's not sparing anyone this time!
Did we bring the heat or what BITCHES??? Before I dive into all the dirt about Episode Two, let me tell you what is happening behind the scenes in our lives today.
I lost the Miami Social poll of which guy packs the most heat! WTF FANS?
I had dinner with Sorah this weekend at Sushi Siam on Biscayne Blvd in Miami. We got totally out of the spotlight because guess what, in this small city we are getting some level of notoriety.
“Oh my god,” this girl screamed at me when I was in line buying Nicorette Gum at Walgreen’s. “You’re one of ‘The Socials!!!!!’”
What? ‘The Socials?’ Who???
Okay, I’ll roll with the title. So two ‘Socials,’ Maria and myself, hit up one fashion show over the weekend, which was Krell Knitwear. I only went to the show because my Maria A.K.A. ‘My K.G.B. Bitch’ walked the show. She looked nothing short of amazing.
There were also some Bravo stars in Miami over the weekend. Something about Ariel reminds me of Kelly Killoren Bensimon, and the mesed up part is I think both of them might take that as a compliment.
I didn’t go to the shows. I only go to shows in NY, Paris or Milan. Sorry, but that really is where fashion shows happen and anyone who thinks otherwise is simply delusional. Instead I was home doing what Katrina always does: work, work, and work. Except I eat while I work because I am trying to quit smoking.
So, now go make yourself a martini (slightly dirty and three blue cheese olives. If you are a recovering alcoholic, make a Shirley Temple and if you are reading this at work, get your flask) and let’s get rocking on my fave scenes (there were so many!) from ‘The Socials.’
Writers Note: Unlike Ariel’s summary of my celebrity journalism “half the things you write about are 70% not true,” - you all should know that 100% of 100% I have to say here is 100% my point of view:
The gathering this week rocked. First of all, don’t try and defend Kim Kardashian’s fame to me. Not going to work. I have been writing about celebrities since 2000 and could document her rise to fame, which is not for acting, singing, writing, etc., the sort of stuff that celebrities should become famous for. She is a Paris Hilton disciple and that isn’t saying much, if anything.
Yes, I agree with Ariel. Kim has done a lot of good, like given lots of guys a video to masturbate too. The same video that led her to fame, which Ariel tries to dispute. “She’s a socialite from Los Angeles,” says Ariel touting her fame and philanthropic deeds. I was thinking, what’s your point?
And by the way, it’s 9:34 am and I still don’t like Ariel.
Could you believe when Lina came upstairs and interrupted Gonzalo making vagina- like pasta for Sorah? I know Sorah was pissed and so was Gonzalo. First of all, how clueless of Lina not to understand why George was angry at her and then to ask Sorah for advice?
That moment was priceless when Sorah was explaining how she thinks George and Lina are crazyyyyyy. Sorah looked as if she was imitating a Cuckoo Clock.
I think Sorah may be the most grounded of all of us and should be a role model for ‘The Real Ex Housewives Club.’
Side note: That scene made me realize Lina joins Ramona from RHNY in the ‘crazy eye’ department.
I was teary eyed for a moment when Maria took her daughter to the airport. Blame it on the music. I mean that haunting voice in the song compounded with my sweet little (not her boobs) Maria’s emotions made for a heavy moment.
I had to chuckle over Maria’s outfit. What’s up with the preppy tie? Was that in honor of her daughter leaving for boarding school or a bad fashion faux pas? Isaac would definitely not be buying it.
Trixia, do you have a “gay” with an intelligent head on his shoulders? Didn’t you consult with one before you demanded babies? Hasn’t any gay told you don’t ask a man for babies? I mean WTF??? You have to ease them into the idea of being a dad or uh, just make it happen…
After that bomb of a conversation about how Hardy told you his friend with a baby was ‘killing his buzz” about parenthood didn’t you realize it was a bad time to throw down the baby demand? I mean, aren’t there other things you could ask for like a new dress?
And next time Hardy walks out on you and leaves dessert behind like that ice cream, call me.
P.S. I love vanilla with chocolate sprinkles on top.
Speaking of babies. Katrina’s mom wants to be a grandmother and I wish Kat would just lift one from the crib of some mansion she is showing so I don’t have to listen to her mom lament on and on about this topic.
Last week we learned Ariel really hates fat people. This week we learned he hates ugly people. How many of you now hate him? But let's not hate and let's relate: he does provide lots of fodder and he does take the heat off of me.
Here is a scene I just loved: He calls up Hardy (yeah during the same ‘I need Babies’ dinner) and says that he has some really high profile fashion people coming to the Gans.
Now if I called anyone had said that, I would have Anna Wintour, Marc Jacobs and Kate Moss with me.
Um, did you see Ariel’s version of a high profile fashion types? Some ‘Muscle Mary’ in camouflage pants and a tight t-shirt. The other looked like a D list model booker.
Ariel’s reaction to being told ‘no’ to the cabana was priceless. He looks at Hardy with a matching eye roll then pauses for a second like a bitch and tells hardy, “Ok – F*ck You.”
Dude, you just got prime seating and a free bottle. What the hell?
And I have one question, if you are so rich and so amazing and the best thing since slice bread and grew up having EVERYTHING, why do you need a comp bottle? Save it for a lucky tourist.
MY B DAY PARTY AND EVERYTHING IN BETWEEN
First of all, I need to confess something. My birthday is actually in July. I celebrate in September and that’s because I actually turn my birthday parties into charity events. And no one is in Miami in July, but they are back in September.
Instead of gifts I asked all my guests to donate money to my charity of choice, the Diabetes Research Institute. That night we raised $5,000. Two of my closest friends both lost their fathers to Diabetes
Did you like my version of the “Fashion Show?” At least you could understand me (unlike Merlin and Reco) when I said I looked “so Brad Pitt…” Not so much. It must have been the champagne getting to my head. It was pretty funny that I could think such an absurdity.
Speaking of champagne, I’m slightly upset with my parenting skills. I didn’t raise Austin well. He didn’t want a sip of the bubbly.
The outfit I decided for my birthday was Lanvin and those YSL high tops, which I have totally retired. But I did love that big Tom Ford bowtie. It’s bitchy, classic, twisted and relevant.
And what about this line when Katrina asks me about my invite list and defends Ariel saying “we are all made out of the same fabric.” My answer, and I swear this is not a scripted show: “I would be cashmere. Ariel is a poly blend.”
So true, right?
If you are wondering why I was a sweaty mess during the planning of my birthday party it was because it was maybe 99 degrees with 100% humidity. But nothing could have irritated me more than someone suggesting costumes with Afros! Then blinking things? What??? I thought I was in Bar Mitzvah hell planning.
But I don’t want to be a bitch, everyone donated their time for charity. Those girls in those outfits - now they were smoking.
By the way, I am so over disco balls. They are so out and so not chic. What’s in is multi media and I’m really into projections. That’s old too but if you are hip, there are ways to make it way cool and fresh (by the way I am writing a book proposal on ways to make yourself relevant so wish me luck!).
The bday drama I wasn’t into so much. George coming with some other blonde girl, or as he says, “a hotter blond girl?” I mean dude, couldn’t you come alone? Why did you have to pimp out on me and bring that chick Jasmine?
But I will tell you I loved how the show closed. There were the girls, Sorah, Katrina and Maria, gossiping under our breath about George's date while posing for pictures and myself. That was a fun little moment.
Anyway, I loved Maria’s answer about that chick Jasmine regarding how long we might see her: “She’s just a fill in.”
Until then, thanks for all your comments and keep it coming. Have a fun week. Watch lots of re runs. I love doing that.