Take No Prisoners

Michael recaps his fave moments and he's not sparing anyone this time!

Did we bring the heat or what BITCHES??? Before I dive into all the dirt about Episode Two, let me tell you what is happening behind the scenes in our lives today.

I lost the Miami Social poll of which guy packs the most heat! WTF FANS?

I had dinner with Sorah this weekend at Sushi Siam on Biscayne Blvd in Miami. We got totally out of the spotlight because guess what, in this small city we are getting some level of notoriety.

“Oh my god,” this girl screamed at me when I was in line buying Nicorette Gum at Walgreen’s. “You’re one of ‘The Socials!!!!!’”

What? ‘The Socials?’ Who???

Okay, I’ll roll with the title. So two ‘Socials,’ Maria and myself, hit up one fashion show over the weekend, which was Krell Knitwear. I only went to the show because my Maria A.K.A. ‘My K.G.B. Bitch’ walked the show. She looked nothing short of amazing.

There were also some Bravo stars in Miami over the weekend. Something about Ariel reminds me of Kelly Killoren Bensimon, and the mesed up part is I think both of them might take that as a compliment.

I didn’t go to the shows. I only go to shows in NY, Paris or Milan. Sorry, but that really is where fashion shows happen and anyone who thinks otherwise is simply delusional. Instead I was home doing what Katrina always does: work, work, and work. Except I eat while I work because I am trying to quit smoking.

So, now go make yourself a martini (slightly dirty and three blue cheese olives. If you are a recovering alcoholic, make a Shirley Temple and if you are reading this at work, get your flask) and let’s get rocking on my fave scenes (there were so many!) from ‘The Socials.’

Writers Note: Unlike Ariel’s summary of my celebrity journalism “half the things you write about are 70% not true,” - you all should know that 100% of 100% I have to say here is 100% my point of view:

THE GANS

The gathering this week rocked. First of all, don’t try and defend Kim Kardashian’s fame to me. Not going to work. I have been writing about celebrities since 2000 and could document her rise to fame, which is not for acting, singing, writing, etc., the sort of stuff that celebrities should become famous for. She is a Paris Hilton disciple and that isn’t saying much, if anything.

Yes, I agree with Ariel. Kim has done a lot of good, like given lots of guys a video to masturbate too. The same video that led her to fame, which Ariel tries to dispute. “She’s a socialite from Los Angeles,” says Ariel touting her fame and philanthropic deeds. I was thinking, what’s your point?

And by the way, it’s 9:34 am and I still don’t like Ariel.

SORAH

Could you believe when Lina came upstairs and interrupted Gonzalo making vagina- like pasta for Sorah? I know Sorah was pissed and so was Gonzalo. First of all, how clueless of Lina not to understand why George was angry at her and then to ask Sorah for advice?

That moment was priceless when Sorah was explaining how she thinks George and Lina are crazyyyyyy. Sorah looked as if she was imitating a Cuckoo Clock.

I think Sorah may be the most grounded of all of us and should be a role model for ‘The Real Ex Housewives Club.’

Side note: That scene made me realize Lina joins Ramona from RHNY in the ‘crazy eye’ department.

MARIA

I was teary eyed for a moment when Maria took her daughter to the airport. Blame it on the music. I mean that haunting voice in the song compounded with my sweet little (not her boobs) Maria’s emotions made for a heavy moment.

I had to chuckle over Maria’s outfit. What’s up with the preppy tie? Was that in honor of her daughter leaving for boarding school or a bad fashion faux pas? Isaac would definitely not be buying it.

BABIES!

Trixia, do you have a “gay” with an intelligent head on his shoulders? Didn’t you consult with one before you demanded babies? Hasn’t any gay told you don’t ask a man for babies? I mean WTF??? You have to ease them into the idea of being a dad or uh, just make it happen…

After that bomb of a conversation about how Hardy told you his friend with a baby was ‘killing his buzz” about parenthood didn’t you realize it was a bad time to throw down the baby demand? I mean, aren’t there other things you could ask for like a new dress?

And next time Hardy walks out on you and leaves dessert behind like that ice cream, call me.

P.S. I love vanilla with chocolate sprinkles on top.

Speaking of babies. Katrina’s mom wants to be a grandmother and I wish Kat would just lift one from the crib of some mansion she is showing so I don’t have to listen to her mom lament on and on about this topic.

‘ARIELISM’

Last week we learned Ariel really hates fat people. This week we learned he hates ugly people. How many of you now hate him? But let's not hate and let's relate: he does provide lots of fodder and he does take the heat off of me.

Here is a scene I just loved: He calls up Hardy (yeah during the same ‘I need Babies’ dinner) and says that he has some really high profile fashion people coming to the Gans.

Now if I called anyone had said that, I would have Anna Wintour, Marc Jacobs and Kate Moss with me.

Um, did you see Ariel’s version of a high profile fashion types? Some ‘Muscle Mary’ in camouflage pants and a tight t-shirt. The other looked like a D list model booker.

Ariel’s reaction to being told ‘no’ to the cabana was priceless. He looks at Hardy with a matching eye roll then pauses for a second like a bitch and tells hardy, “Ok – F*ck You.”

Dude, you just got prime seating and a free bottle. What the hell?

And I have one question, if you are so rich and so amazing and the best thing since slice bread and grew up having EVERYTHING, why do you need a comp bottle? Save it for a lucky tourist.

MY B DAY PARTY AND EVERYTHING IN BETWEEN

First of all, I need to confess something. My birthday is actually in July. I celebrate in September and that’s because I actually turn my birthday parties into charity events. And no one is in Miami in July, but they are back in September.

Instead of gifts I asked all my guests to donate money to my charity of choice, the Diabetes Research Institute. That night we raised $5,000. Two of my closest friends both lost their fathers to Diabetes

Did you like my version of the “Fashion Show?” At least you could understand me (unlike Merlin and Reco) when I said I looked “so Brad Pitt…” Not so much. It must have been the champagne getting to my head. It was pretty funny that I could think such an absurdity.

Speaking of champagne, I’m slightly upset with my parenting skills. I didn’t raise Austin well. He didn’t want a sip of the bubbly.

The outfit I decided for my birthday was Lanvin and those YSL high tops, which I have totally retired. But I did love that big Tom Ford bowtie. It’s bitchy, classic, twisted and relevant.

And what about this line when Katrina asks me about my invite list and defends Ariel saying “we are all made out of the same fabric.” My answer, and I swear this is not a scripted show: “I would be cashmere. Ariel is a poly blend.”

So true, right?

If you are wondering why I was a sweaty mess during the planning of my birthday party it was because it was maybe 99 degrees with 100% humidity. But nothing could have irritated me more than someone suggesting costumes with Afros! Then blinking things? What??? I thought I was in Bar Mitzvah hell planning.

But I don’t want to be a bitch, everyone donated their time for charity. Those girls in those outfits - now they were smoking.

By the way, I am so over disco balls. They are so out and so not chic. What’s in is multi media and I’m really into projections. That’s old too but if you are hip, there are ways to make it way cool and fresh (by the way I am writing a book proposal on ways to make yourself relevant so wish me luck!).

The bday drama I wasn’t into so much. George coming with some other blonde girl, or as he says, “a hotter blond girl?” I mean dude, couldn’t you come alone? Why did you have to pimp out on me and bring that chick Jasmine?

But I will tell you I loved how the show closed. There were the girls, Sorah, Katrina and Maria, gossiping under our breath about George's date while posing for pictures and myself. That was a fun little moment.

Anyway, I loved Maria’s answer about that chick Jasmine regarding how long we might see her: “She’s just a fill in.”

Until then, thanks for all your comments and keep it coming. Have a fun week. Watch lots of re runs. I love doing that.

Don't Get It Twisted!

Find out why Michael isn't so in love with Ariel. Plus, his fave moments of the episode.

Let me get straight to the point. I don’t like Ariel. I used to overlook his grossly inappropriate, juvenile and offensive comments about ugly and fat people. I used to just listen to his insane overrated sense of purpose and know in the back of my head that this is just an insecure formerly overweight child trying to act like an adult. I thought that it was the right thing to do, to support him at his fashion show and put aside our bitch fighting because we were friends. I also thought I would stop pointing out in each episode blog how stupid he really is, because it’s already so embarrassing.

Ariel is really proud of himself because he thinks he pulled off showing us how he can anything he wants to do. And like I said in last night's episode, I was really proud of him for pulling it off, but it was complimenting his avid use of smoke and mirrors.

First of all, who the hell hires a lead designer to make their first ever collection? No one. Because that’s not how it’s done. It would be like me hiring a writer to do my blog (which I suspect Ariel has done because not for one minute could he quote Shakespeare.)

That is the most horrible thing. That you say you are designing a line of dresses and bathing suits and all you have really done is paid some underpaid hungry want to be designer money to make some clothes based on some vague ideas and pages of other people's work you pulled out from a magazine. This you think, is a good example to aspiring fashion designers watching Miami Social? This you think is a good example of how Miami works? This is how you lead by example? This is how you present the city to a national audience?

I mean, watching last night my jaw dropped. There is Katrina in what I swear was the worst dress I have ever seen (it looked like Lina got out her knives too and it looked like something Lina might wear to her secondary job) standing with a crumpled piece of paper in her hand with some BS speech and then she announces that she is actually not wearing a dress designed by Ariel (um, at his own show that she is announcing!) but by that of his lead designer. WHAT ??? WHAT ???? WHAT ????

This is what I mean by smoke and mirrors, if you aren’t paying attention to the details you get caught up in that clap track.

His comments aren’t funny.

Here are a few that have irked me:

“My business plan is actually mathematical in numbers…”

“Doctors are like dentists, right?”

“Bill Gates the Macintosh guy,

”Get the fat girl out of table”

“Hardy I admire you, you even talk to ugly people”

I don’t want friends like this in my life. We all need friends to elevate our minds, be kind and respectful and be there for us on screen and off screen.

When Ariel stops living a life of dillusion and starts acting like an adult,  I’ll think about catching up with him. Until then, girl it’s ‘ova.’

Now let me get on with what was hot, hot, hot this week:

- Lina asking George: “Do you think I’m a liar?” Um, yes? I mean WTF you crazy bitch! You ran around Miami telling people you had an abortion so you could get George's attention? Are you kidding me? And then you go in the bedroom to screw away your problems? Just like that? Like saying you had an abortion and didn’t is so low down dirty. Trixia got it just perfectly when she asked Hardy, “What the f*ck is wrong with that girl?”

- Sad: When Trixia explained her miscarriage. I got upset there for a minute because this is a girl who really does want babies. I know I have poked fun at the way she demands them from Hardy as if he could pick up a few at the nightclub, but deep down inside, she was in pain and she shared. -

Inner Whore: That guy at the club thought I was straight and a swinger? When I brought him over to Katrina, he said, “Your boyfriend wanted me to meet you...” Then Katrina replies, “He plays for the other team…” But if Katrina wanted a threesome, I’d be down for uh, watching…

Don’t go there with me about the t-shirt. It’s a Sonia Rykiel number and I love her stuff.

- Date with Diego: Not so much, huh. First of all I was freaking mortified we were wearing the same outfits, How freaking awful is that? I mean WTF??? This is one problem being gay – looking the same is a freaking nightmare. I’m sorry I am never going on a date again without knowing what the other guy is wearing.

- Grossest Moment of Miami Social Yet: Ariel telling us he is a ‘tiger’ in bed. Now that is vomit-inducing.

- Offensive moment of last night: Ariel asking me if Diego has a “green card?” Like, how rude? And I tend to bet that 99% of the guys he sleeps with don’t have a green card.

- Best Line of The Night: When I was talking about the ‘collection’: “Maybe you can pull that bull*hit on Katrina, but don’t try it with a Queen!” YOU HEARD ME!

- That moment of startling reality. I really am losing my hair. Well, semi lost now, because I dabble with some changes. We will get into it next week.

Speaking of the season finale, brace yourselves. It’s dramatic. You may need a tissue box. I want to thank you all for reading this blog and being fans of the show. I read all of your comments and they are amazing and kind.

Until next week,

M