There's no such thing as a favorite child at Bravo. Each of our shows warms the cocles of my heart in different ways, but there's something especially delightful about Million Dollar Decorators. Perhaps its because all of these folks are so outrageously talented, so remarkable witty and off-kilter, and so delightfully enamored of each other, that this show has me grinning so mightily. Or maybe it's because Jacqueline has been sharing some of that wine she bought for Kathryn's birthday party. . .
Let's begin at the very beginning with Mary McDonald. Mary McDonald is not kidding around. Glamor is stuck to her. She spends $5 million in a heartbeat. She has about 25 pugs. She was the inspiration for Karen from Will & Grace. Are you someone who is not Mary McDonald? Yeah, you can pretty much just sit down then because she has you beat. In this episode Mary is starting a rehaul of a phenomenal guest house to match her impeccable design in the main home. How does the guest house currently look: "suicidally depressing." If that's Mary's definition of suicide I'd hate for her to see anywhere that most humans live, because I think it would be like that movie The Happening, with people giving up on the world left and right, particularly John Leguizamo. (Am I the only person who has ever made a reference to The Happening?)
We go from one delightful human to the next, checking in with Martyn Lawrence Bullard, silver fox extraordinaire. In his charge this week is Sharon Osbourne. Let's start by addressing his voice: it's perhaps one of the most wonderful sounds I've ever heard. Listen as he pronounces things like "delicious," "light the money," and "Ze---bra." The man is the definition of dapper. After much ballyhoo-ing on paint, Barcelona chairs, the proper rug, and an extremely rushed instillation, Sharon arrives and the interaction is something like this:
signature Sharon Osbourne high-pitched tone: "Oh Martyn, it's delightful. You are like Harry Potter. Why am I not as skinny as this statue? Oh Martyn."
Martyn British gentleman tone: "Oh Sharon, of course, here are your storage cupboards."
Obviously I'm paraphrasing a bit, but it was about that glorious. Mrs. Osbourne didn't even come close to biting the head off of a bat. She was so effusive! Instead they walked in circles around the house saying precious things to each other and sort of cooing. This in itself could be a show: "Sharon and Martyn Look at Well Decorated Homes." I'd DVR it.