Episode 9: Closing Time

Bidding adieu to our gentle agents.

Gosh, season four is over. This feels like the end of sleepaway camp, except with less super-rushed making out, and fewer circles of girls chanting dirges and sobbing. Obviously I’m sobbing a lot, just not in a circle while telling people I’m going to write to them when secretly I know that I will not.

Our lil’ agents have dealt with a lot this season. They’ve had stretches where it looked like they would only be able to lease things ever again. They’ve had scary clients who made their humble recapper cry and scream with terror. They’ve had some major, non-Chad-related drama with each other—a new experience for all.  I’m proud of you, fellas.

Great, now I’m sobbing again. Let’s get to work here.

(You don't have to say goodbye. Savor Season 4 with shots of the guys in action.)

So, the biggest part of the finale? It’s got to be the Madison-Heather drama. And that it ends in a cliffhanger! I thought the episode was going to end with either Heather talking about how she had to take her talents to West Hollywood, or with Madison leading her outside the office and saying, “Look at the Coldwell Banker building,” and there’s a gigantic red bow around it. But instead, Altman shows up at the office and takes her away on vacation. “Is this the last time I’m ever going to see you?” Madison asks.  Eeeek.

Over the course of this episode, Madison ends up looking way more reasonable than he has in the last two. There’s still something a little cringey in the way he keeps saying that Altman “planted the seeds” of this idea in her head. But Madison brings up a really gigantically important point: expanding a business is a major decision, especially now, especially with a real estate business. Maybe it is sort of a huge thing to ask for, even if you have been a great assistant for two years. Somehow I hadn’t thought of that until right now.

In non-Heather news, he once again gets stuck with an “odder” client than most.  The last owner died in the house, and this new client is scared that his ghost is still around, so she brings her psychic along. Luckily, she’s like the perfect psychic for real estate agents. As soon as Madison says that he saw the dead spirit flying away, she’s like, “yep, exactly, he’s gone, it’s safe to buy now.” Then she goes even farther and says that, actually, he’s not entirely gone yet, but he will be gone as soon as the house has been sold and gone through escrow.

(Check out photos of this week's properties, and rate the best of the bunch.)

For my dear Flagg, things seem settled, relaxed and cozy. Maybe part of this is the fact that he closes a deal all sleepy-like in his bathrobe. And it’s for a completely unfinished house that he marketed by having a “construction party,” which means girls wearing hard hats and goodie bags with staple guns. These are the kinds of unsung heroics Josh Flagg consistently provides us with.

Now, there’s a very important matter to deal with. Over breakfast, Colton proposes a cross-country road trip! YES. Somebody start doing a slow clap-style “Spinoff…spinoff…spinoff…” I didn’t even know that Josh had a boyfriend until last week, and now all I want to do is see the two of them drive across the country together. Josh doesn’t seem too keen on it, but I’m not going to take no for an answer so that’s the end of that. Of course, it is absolutely necessary that they bring along Edith.  She celebrates her 91st birthday in this episode, and as always, is the greatest thing in the world.

Altman, the real estate bro-bot, has a nice little time too. He goes sandwich shopping with Mikey, and sells a cool house. It has a heated toilet and red toilet paper.  In other words, it’s the ultimate dream house. (Check out behind-the-scenes shots of Josh and Mikey from this week's episode.)

And that, my friends, seems to be a suitable place to end. Have a good off-season. And, as that old saying goes, “May you always sell your house for the listed price, and always for more than you invested in it, and may you buy your house for many millions below list price, and may it always have a zillion bedrooms and bathrooms, and may you always find your very own personal heated toilet.”