Episode 5: Real Estate Love in This Transgender Club

The Joshes go in search of exotic thrills.


I feel like a parent who just opened their kid's sock drawer and found a bong. Because this week, my Million Dollar babies... they're experimenting!

Josh Flagg (aka the Josh-o-Dork) steps into the topsy-turvy realm of commercial real estate and gets a taste of the Candis Cayne. Josh Altman (aka the Real Estate Bro-bot) pauses his sales script and adds some major love-code to his operating system.  And Madison Hildebrand (aka just Madison)... well, actually, he just takes on another client who seems to want to assault and murder him. Phew! At least some things never change.

Now, before we get into it, does anybody have any eye-cleaner? Or maybe just a Sharpie to black out my eyes, so I never have to see something as awkward as the Josh Altman and Heather kiss again. Don't get the wrong idea. Unlike the teaser version of Madison, I'm 100 percent on board with this relationship (the in-episode Madison seems to be, too). But when Josh says, "come here," and pulls Heather in... I had to turn away from the TV and cover my eyes and plug my ears and quickly go out and bury my TV in my yard. They kiss like two dolls having their faces rubbed together. Whenever I kiss someone on a first date in front of lots of cameramen, I'm much smoother than that. (Check out photos from Josh and Heather's date.)

As awkward as it is, it still seems more natural than that house in Topanga Canyon. Josh A. and Jimmy Quill decide to switch up their game, and market the "Circles of Hell" to people who want to use the property for horses. They manage to snare the owners of a non-profit foundation, who, against all odds, really like the house. "So, you want it? You want it? I can feel it," says Jimmy Quill, as it becomes increasingly clear why he had to bring on Josh A. to help.

Josh Flagg, meanwhile, is in the heart of Hollywood, hitting up a club against his will: "I don't leave my house," he says, "and certainly not to go clubbing." Now that's what I like to hear. Finally, a character on reality TV like me! Maybe next episode they'll show him in pajamas, pointlessly surfing the Internet for straight 20 hours, compulsively eating handfuls of Sour Patch Kids. That would be huge for me.

At the club, Josh links up with Candis Cayne, of Dirty Sexy Money fame. She and two friends, one of whom is rocking what can only be called a "skunk tail," want to open a restaurant and nightclub where Candis can perform. No problem, says Josh. He also says that he's had two facelifts and a chin implant. At first, I thought he was kidding, but now I'm not sure. He is, after all, the only cast member who hasn't uploaded baby pictures here yet. (See which other Bravo stars Candis Cayne has been hanging out with.)

As I said before, it's the same old story with Madison, client-wise. It's almost as if he has a death wish. As soon as he hears his friend Lydia has a terrible client, he's jumping to co-list with her. Madison. Two weeks ago, you had Ismir threatening to shotgun your kneecaps because you couldn't change the fabric of the entire universe for him. Now you're all about getting with Julian for a co-listing commission? Well, it's your life. But this time, when your hair starts falling out from stress, don't come crawling to me. 

As soon as Madison scopes out the listing, we see that Lydia wasn't kidding. Julian shows up and repeatedly says that he hopes they sell the listing "for your sake." At one point, Lydia is holding out her hands while speaking and he just starts punching them.  Clearly, Julian is itching to "go Sheen" here.

Madison manages to hold him off for a bit, and since the listing is in a Russian neighborhood, he decides to run an ad in a Russian-language newspaper. The strategy pays off. Well, in terms of slogans, at least. "So, can it be... more cheaper?" asks one visitor, which seems like it's the one important question behind everything in real estate. This particular property can't, since the owner might well be insane, but thanks for asking.

(What do you think? Rate this week's properties.)

We end with two closings – Josh Altman and Jimmy Quinn get 1.75 million for the Circles of Hell, and Josh Flagg sets up Candis & Co. with a 13.5 thousand a month five-year lease. I thought I had told the guys that I wouldn't be accepting any more leases, but five years ain't too shabby. 

However, according to the teasers, Josh Altman may get a $20 million listing next week. Let me be the first to say: We need this, Josh!!! And if you get it, I will allow you to robotkiss Heather as much as you'd like.