Amy Laurent

Amy shares one of her most important dating rules.

on Jun 25, 20120

I’ve had the pleasure of knowing Emily and Julia for several years, and I truly admire them both. They’re strong, successful women, and a lot of fun. And I’m well aware of the fact that there are going to be different opinions among the relationship experts. With that in mind, while I do respect the other women’s opinions, I can say with confidence that MY RULES WORK. They serve a great purpose. Trust me, they have been used to great success with hundreds of clients over the seven years of my business. Lately, I’ve been reminded of the truth of the rules, as I’ve used them myself! Now that I am dating again after the AB hiatus, I can attest to the fact that whenever I go against the very rules that I have laid out with purpose for my daters, I get burned. There should be nothing surprising about that.

No one is perfect, and dating is not easy. But I realize now more than ever how important it is to have a clear guide for how to date, and how to handle the challenge of it. (I believe this so much I wrote a book about it! Out in August from St Martin’s. More here! If my new dating experience has done anything, it has reinforced my confidence in the guidelines and advice I give my clients. And it’s reminded me that the rules are for everyone: matchmaker, expert, dater, or Dr. Phil (OK, he’s married, so nevermind).

The rules aren’t cumbersome, and they don’t compose a long, rambling list, either. They are few and they are simple -- easy for practically anyone to follow. Unfortunately, no one follows the rules all the time. It’s hard when your own heart is involved. The important thing is to look back on a situation and own your mistakes -- and learn from them. With my clients, I have them give me feedback after every date, and check in every week so we can talk about what’s happening. You’d be amazed how much you can improve as a dater when you spend some time reflecting. And you’d be amazed what men will tell their matchmaker about what they like and don’t like in a woman’s behavior. And I’ve got 7 years of feedback to tell me what I should have known:

I lost my marbles for a second with my phone call to “farm boy” Lewis. (And he’s 28! Yikes!)

13 comments
mrmarcus
mrmarcus

I REALLY THINK YOUR HOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

mcraig.nyu
mcraig.nyu

What's with your fixation on age? The entire time you were ice skating all you talked about was how insecure you are about dating a younger man. Great advice-- NOT!

welsh38
welsh38

Hi Amy,

 

I love the show. I'm good at dating as I follow the rules most of the time and have always been invited for a second date even though I may decline the offers!  I find men that fall for me and I've have had some nice boyfriends, however, my problem is finding the man that would like to be with me permanently and share the life I have with my 4 children ages 7 to 10.  I date online and socialize at least once a week but where are the family men happy to embrace a full house in the NYC/CT area?!  It would be great if you could help and give advice to single moms who have more than a couple of children living at home.

 

Help!

MaireadA
MaireadA

Careful about how you talk about the South, where being blunt and to the point often translates as rudeness. I seriously doubt that Texans especially see themselves as bland or "faux" anything.

 We also can appreciate a good meal without fretting about it.

michelle.adler
michelle.adler

It bothered me that in your blog you appeared to give advice to the other two ladies who are also relationship (or sex) experts.  To me it sounded rather condescending in an "I surely saw that coming" and "I'm much more qualified to be your matchmaker" way.  Or perhaps the others are more media personalities rather than outright professional matchmakers.  Still a little confused. 

 

Please don't be so regimented in your daily routine.  I think you will need a VERY like minded person to share your life with if you freak out over every calorie ingested and are not flexible with your exercise routine.  (not that you showed you weren't flexible with exercise, you just "seem" that way from the show) Men don't like to hear about calorie counting.  They like to see a woman enjoying the meal they've provided. 

 

Best of luck to you. I'm looking forward to watching your show in the future.  It's much more interesting than what's become of Bravo's Housewives franchise.  I think women are looking to watch fun stuff like this rather than adult bullying and loud obnoxious arguments. 

jaydee
jaydee

Dear Amy,  If this is truly a reality show and not scripted; you have to be kidding me!  Your behavior is rather hard to watch, and that would be for someone who doesn't know better.   We can all read books, learn things and not put them into practice.  You are like the extremely overweight person telling people how to be thin, or the marriage counselor who's been married 5 times.  It's a credibility issue. 

 

I like the show, but it probably won't make it if the viewers can't see somebody (rule peddlers) actually follow their own rules.  It would make it much more interesting to see IF you were going to break a rule; trust me, we'd watch much closer to see that.

 

Best wishes to you Amy.

MsNc
MsNc

Hi, Amy. I'm a bit confused by your words "a southern girl who is an LA transplant, who is a bit more bland, yet with a faux edge about her," and I truly hope you didn't mean this as a dig on southern women. I am a southern woman myself with many progressive, interesting, intellectually curious, educated, and exciting friends--nothing bland, faux, or pretentious about them. 

 

I'm fairly certain there is plenty of "faux edge" in both Los Angeles and New York--wouldn't you agree?!

afs26
afs26

i think you look like a total moron at dinner when all you talk about is eating healthy an working out. live a little and enjoy. you should have agreed to share and just had a few bites. you're to neurotic for any guy to like you. get over yourself.

lizaperrow
lizaperrow

Amy, guys don't want to hear about how many calories everything is.  Would it  have killed you to have the hot chocolate with the whipped cream?  Not every chicken pot pie is the same, what if that chicken pot pie was the most awesome thing you have tried?  Try to be spontaneous and fun.  The tone in your voice is so anoying.  Your voice is like a grone, and then at the end of everything you have an upper inflection like everything is a question.  That just screams that you are unsure of what is coming out of your mouth.  How about talk like a girl, you know a little higher pitched with some personality.  Try to have a positive attitude and a smile on your face wouldn't hurt either.  Do yourself a favor, forget the rules, love isn't a game, there aren't any rules.  Stand up for yourself and establish boundaries, but don't play games, it's really rediculous.  Good Luck, you need it.   

MissLucyInDisguise
MissLucyInDisguise

I hope you aren't calling Southern women "bland". I have my opinion of you, but as a southern woman, I will keep it to myself while I await Julia and Emily's onscreen time. Emily is fantastic and Julia is hilarious. These two are going to be great to watch. 

boogie821
boogie821

Hi Amy.  (Name of my best friend, incidentally).  Your quote:  "When Chris explained to Julia that men actually “like a girl who initiates some of the time,” I immediately called BS and screamed it to the TV set. Yes, he was lying! Don’t believe that malarkey. No, men do not like it when a girl initiates. I don’t care what men might tell you, males want to pursue the female. Period. Any guy will lose interest once they sense a woman is aggressive in pursuing him. Our DNA doesn’t work that way." 

I just wrote almost the EXACT SAME THING to Miss Julia on her blog page, nearly verbatim, (right down to the part about "having a conversation" with the television set during that scene).  Everyone protests THE RULES, yet everyone abides by them (subconsciously or consciously).  It's CULTURE: We are bound up in Western notions of romantic love. We have been acculturated (and biology plays a crucial role) in a certain way.  Period. 

And as for AB?  I've been there too. I learned the hard way about this.  Here's a RULE (which I'm sure you already know):  he should have been telling YOU how amazing and cute you looked, not the other way 'round. But we are only human, and, basically, we are hard-wired by nature to get busy and make some babies.  Very difficult to buck that with civilized behavior, self-control, and "rules."  But we are intellecutal enought to keep trying.   'Nuff said.  :-)  I am enjoying the show! Keep fighting the good fight and don't compromise! 

This is my second internet post--have never, ever done this before--and I'm going to be blasted for being too verbose.  Kind of like Heather on RHONYC, only in print form.  Ah well. 

BeatriceJo
BeatriceJo

You are so darn cute.  I felt badly for you at the dinner with AB.  Shame on him.  He is a jerk for not scooping you up in his arms right then and there. What  a jerk. He has this beautiful, successful, smart, girl before him who adores him and he doesnt say anything.  Ive been in those shoes and it totally sucks, but trust me, someday you are going to look back and be so thankful it didnt work out.  You would have been totally bored with him and not getting your needs met  (He was good looking, but for all his travels, it didnt look like he had a lot of personality - seemed like a dud on that front).  Love you the best; love your fashion, your style, love NYC - I can relate to you the most.   You go girl!

sonnsie
sonnsie

I like the series but perhaps you and the other two women need to exercise a bit of control and to follow what you know to be the best decision in the long term.  Advising your clients one thing and you doing another is not being true to either your client or yourself.  Since you have a 85 percent success rate you are advising the best so why not take your own advise.  If a man wants to see you bad enough he will be happy whenever you accept a date which means it doesn't have to be the first time he calls. Accepting a date on the same night indicates you have nothing planned for that night and just waiting  around especially due to the circumstances of your past relationship with him.  I am sure you already know what message it sends and it only builds his ego and deflats yours for accepting his offer in such short notice.  Good luck  to you on the series.