Your Love is My Drug

Amy Laurent describes her non-romantic affinity for Tim.

If there’s one thing I know about dating, it’s that you have to give people a chance.

Men are very visual creatures. It’s very rare for a man to meet a woman he’s not attracted to and then to find that she "grows on him." So I know when matching men, attraction is just as important as everything else: personality, values, and character. In fact, I identify with men in this way, as I am fairly particular myself in the looks department—more so than a lot of women. I do admit, however, that on a few occasions I have briefly dated men that you wouldn’t have given a second look had he passed you in a party or a restaurant. Why? Because as most of us women know, there’s no substitute for CONFIDENCE.

A guy who is "meh" in the looks department, suddenly becomes George Clooney when he wins us over with his charm and wit. Whenever I interview potential male clients, I do look for certain physical elements that are appealing to women, yet by no means do you have to be tall and look like Clark Kent. Most beautiful women, I’ve found, aren’t attracted to men who are "too hot" or "too good-looking," because those men often possess personality characteristics that are off-putting. So I look for the total package: that spark in personality, charm, wit, humor, intelligence that makes his conversational skills both amusing and interesting.

Men have potential to make women swoon, despite the fact they may not be stepping out of a GQ magazine (though I don’t complain when I get those kind of clients either!) Tim Sykes is one of those guys.

Yes, my girlfriend was trying to do a favor by setting me up to distract me from the fact Lewis hasn’t called. I did appreciate it, but there’s a reason why I’m a matchmaker and she works in finance! Firstly, Tim is 30 years old. That is simply too young for me—and I’ve already got 28-year-old Lewis on my hands to figure out. Also, my girlfriend knows I am rarely into successful finance guys (though they make great clients, as I have tons of gorgeous single women who love them.)Now this is a blanket statement, of course; it’s a generalization with exceptions to the rule. However, in general, successful finance guys can have an air of being a little too into themselves for my personal taste. My match would be more closer to the entrepreneurial type, someone in a job that requires a creative side. Of course, never say never! As soon as I sit down with Tim, I definitely know he’s too young for me and our personalities are not a match, but despite this, I still enjoy the meeting. During the brief chat with Tim, he really starts to grow on me and I realize he has a gorgeous smile, and a sweetness under all of that "successful finance guy" air about him. Before it’s over, I find myself a bit charmed by his endearing sincerity.

At the same time, I am aware that Tim talks way too much about how great his apartment is, the view of his apartment, how awe-inspiringly great this apartment is.

There’s a moment, right in between my realizing I find him amusing, and also know how I can help him, that I decide I can take him under my wing. That’s how it works with me: more often than not, when I meet a guy, I’m thinking of who I can introduce him to, how I can help him find a match. Yes, even when I’m the one who is supposed to be on a date with him!

First, I think: if Tim and I were to work together, I like him enough that I want to point out that he shouldn’t talk so much about what he does or doesn’t have. The last thing I want as a matchmaker is for someone to go out with Tim because of what he owns. He is way too great a guy to end up being used. I felt like he needed to be cautious of leading with his "material foot." We get how successful he is, but Tim is much more then his career.

Then, immediately, my brain starts thinking through a number of girls who would actually be right up his alley. One of my best friends, Lauren, pops into my head suddenly. I can tell you over the seven years that I’ve worked as a matchmaker that whenever I am interviewing a potential client and a zinger idea like this appears in my mind, it almost always is the person they ultimately end up with. Even if they go out on a dozen matches through me in their first few months, it always goes back to my first gut instinct when I knew them for five minutes.The point is, I went in with an open mind. And though Tim wasn’t right for me, I really ended up liking him. I’m not the type of girl that walks into a date, makes a snap judgment, and then rudely gets on her phone after the first few minutes and tries to skip out on dinner to get out of there. Even after the "I’ll make you breakfast in bed" joke – which doesn’t fly with me on dates, let alone the first date.

I don’t think I was Tim’s type either and we did seem to get along more like silly friends enjoying a nice dinner together. But we stuck it out, I met someone interesting that I’m glad to know, and someone I might be able to help. It wasn’t love, but not a bad night, either.

You never know who you are going to meet and how they will impact your life. I do have to say, I now am very charmed by Tim and have taken a liking to him in that I have made it my personal mission to see him happy with someone who is perfect and good for him. I know plenty of ladies for Tim, and my matchmaker hat is on and I am willing to bet my friend Lauren is right up his alley -- and he for hers. I love my job! Yes, I know I’m supposed to be working on my own personal dating life, but old habits are hard to break. And helping other people find love comes so much more natural and easily to me then it is to be dating myself. I absolutely love what I do, finding people love and seeing them happy. It’s my drug.

When it comes to myself, I’m starting to think that perhaps I need to go to Emily’s brother for an answer! We’ll see. And although I know that Lewis is not a good idea, part of me does like him and hopes he calls. I better throw myself into work and not worry about that right now, because the last thing I want to do is becoming obsessive over liking some guy I just met and catch myself waiting by the phone. I would never let one of my clients do something like that!  Part of me wishes I could clone myself then hire myself. I need an Amy in my life.

 

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Just Say Yes

Emily Morse shares all the lessons she's learned this season.

Let’s sum up eight weeks of good times, shall we? A recap: threesome proposals, first date couples acrobatics, modeling for a kissing workshop, hilarious make out with Menace, hot make out with David, strip clubbing on a first date, and let’s not forget awkward phone sex -- we’ll always have that. Sigh.

Miss Advised brought a lot of dating challenges to the forefront, and I loved hearing from all of you about how you could relate to one or all of us in your own way.

So thanks for hanging out for the first season of Miss Advised. We’ve shared many cringe-worthy, awkward, inspiring, and hopefully relatable moments. So either you’re inspired or cringing, or both. Either way we’re all in this life learning together.

A theme in the premiere episode led me to conclude this: While my mom maintains that “never rely on man to take care of you” was sage advice to share with me at age fourteen, my brother doesn’t think it is the greatest advice. I think they’re both right -- I shouldn’t rely on anyone to take care of me entirely, but it’s okay to have a healthy dependence. That really got me to think.

See, I’ve always been a fiercely independent person, so much so that it’s been a struggle both for myself and others to accept that I haven’t made the most traditional life choices. This doesn’t make life easier by the way. In fact, my mom always says, “Emily, you didn’t choose the easy route.” It’s true.I’ve always put work first before relationships. I was raised and grew up thinking that I need to make it on my own without a man or anyone else taking care of me. Trying to make a living solving the world’s sex and relationship issues, getting my doctorate in Human Sexuality, and hoping to change the world so we’re all in better relationships has been exhilarating, challenging, and, well, sometimes downright difficult. I know this is my path, and I’ve been honored to share part of my journey with you.

Oh, you’re curious about David? Well, he is my childhood crush who was catapulted into my life at the perfect moment. I was actually excited about a guy, something I hadn’t felt in a while. It’s like quenching the best kind of thirst.

Things didn’t work out with David, but the most important thing is always this: what you do with the outcome. Whether you’re with someone for two months, two years, or 20 years, the key is to ask, “What can I learn from this experience?” and more importantly, “What was my part? What does this teach me about what I want in the future?”

The David experience made me realize that I am truly excited to find love. To find someone (or many ones). I’m not sure what my next “relationship” will look like: monogamy or some other new-fangled creation. I do know that whatever relationship I’m in I’ll create it with my own rules as we all should. What I was really trying to demonstrate is that monogamy isn’t the only answer. There are many different types of relationship models out there, and you need to find the one that works for you.

And finally, for the finale, some final points:

1. So you think dating sucks?: It doesn’t have to. Everyone says they live in the worst town in which to date. I promise you this: if you say yes to every offer you get for 30 days, you will increase your chances of meeting someone significantly. If you don’t put yourself out there, you can’t be found. Yes, here I go with my yes message, but it can’t hurt for 30 days. Try it. You’ll thank me.

3. Life is full of life lessons: Are you paying attention? Don’t view a relationship that ends as a failure. They’re golden opportunities to learn more about yourself and what you want in the next partner or don’t want: rinse, don’t repeat.

4. Life is a journey: I didn’t make this up. You’ve heard it before. Here’s the truth: your life is a journey and we’re all on our own path. Make it your life’s work to cultivate confidence and your own individuality. Get to know your own self and what you really and truly want in a relationship and in life. You have to TRULY love yourself before you find your true love.

5. What I’ve learned: Life is about experimenting with new experiences. Take what you like from each situation and leave the rest.

6. Say yes: I will always say yes to everything. OK, maybe not everything. But when I find myself saying no, I have to think why. I truly do say yes to many experiences that help me with my research for the Sex With Emily show and for life. I’ve learned so much this way, and don’t plan on stopping anytime soon.

My favorite part of the Miss Advised experience was communicating with new fans and welcoming new listeners to my show Sex With Emily, available to listen to for free anywhere you live. I loved tweeting  with you (let’s never stop). I’ve loved, loved, loved hearing from you on Twitter, Facebook and through my website. I read all your emails and enjoy receiving all your sex and relationship questions, which I answer on my Sex With Emily podcast and radio show.

To thank you for all your support, I’ll be giving away five copies of my book Hot Sex to the person who emails me their favorite line or lesson learned from Miss Advised to feedback@sexwithemily.com. Dying to hear your thoughts so please comment below or on my site, www.sexwithemily.com.

What's next for me? Well I’m going to continue on my journey -- pursuing my doctorate, doing my show (which you can listen to from anywhere), creating new apps. Kegel Camp anyone? Experiences make up your life, so get out there and start living. I’m open to finding love, and I know I’ll continue to find it. Love is truly infinite.

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