Cast Blog: #MISSADVISED

How Soon is Too Soon?

Wake-Up Call

Just Say Yes

Self Sabotage?

Breakdown Breakthrough

Changing for the Better

Dinner Date

Dr. Jekyll and Ms. Hyde

In Treatment

Prom!

Blindsided

Threesomes Please Apply

Witchy Woman

The More the Merrier

Fear of Rejection

Fire Away

Great Lake State

Your Love is My Drug

Never Initiate

Horrifically Brutal

Stripped

Carrie Bradshaw Complex

You've Been Advised

No Exceptions

How Soon is Too Soon?

Emily Morse shares her thoughts on how long to wait before sex.

Have I mentioned that I love what I do for a living? I mean, I really do. For so many reasons, but I’ll pick one for now: one of the best parts of my job is hearing from my listeners. I read all your emails and try to answer all your questions during my podcast and radio show Sex With Emily on my website. One of the questions I most commonly get asked is: “When should I sleep with him?” This question has come up several times over the past few episodes of Miss Advised and again tonight.



“Are you going to sleep with David?” Correct me if I’m wrong, but I was asked this question by every single person I encountered on tonight’s episode. So I figured you probably wanted to know as well. Well, I can’t tell you until next week’s finale episode, but I can tell you this about the notion of sex and timing: it’s always best to wait as long as you can. Sure, we all get attracted to people and want to sleep with them. It’s human nature. While I don’t believe in the stereotypical dating rules, I do believe that when it comes to sex, it’s best to wait. Here’s why.

There are emotional consequences involved when we sleep with someone too soon and not all of them are particularly desirable. Sex does change the relationship dynamics by nature of, well, nature. Meaning we immediately get biologically hooked on the sex. When we start having sex with someone too soon, specifically women, we immediately become attached.

The “love” drugs (including oxytocin, serotonin, and dopamine) fire rapidly, bathing our brains in these “feel good” hormones. Which is exactly why they say love is blind: sex can literally shield us from seeing our new partner as they truly are. This is especially bad during a time when we need to see them most clearly, so you won’t miss major character traits (for example those pesky red flags). These crazy love drugs are released after we have sex with someone and can sometimes prematurely attach us to the wrong people, because we are really attached to the sex.

Making the decision about when to sleep with someone should be taken with greater mental acuity than just following what feels good in the moment. Take the time to get to know someone, see if you’re on the same page about what you want out of your new “connection,” and take it from there.

Talk about where the relationship is going before you sleep with someone. Even if the “relationship” is a one night stand, you should speak up ahead of time. Sex does change the dynamic. There’s no way around it. Tonight’s episode also highlights the age old question, “Do you believe in the one?” I believe there are many “ones.” People come into our lives for different reasons. They can teach us lessons about ourselves and our world if we choose to pay attention. Some of those people are in for a lifetime and others for a few days.

The notion of finding one person to fill all our needs is what’s most troubling. There is no “magic bullet” of a perfect person. No one can fill all our needs, it’s just not possible. So the belief that goes along with “the one” has potential to be a giant fallacy or disappointment sending legions of women on wild goose chases to find their soul mates.

There are people who mate for life. In fact, I’m in awe of these couples. But just because there are happy, lifelong couples doesn’t mean there is only one person for them.

For example, think about divorce or death of a loved one and finding love again. Does this mean the past partner wasn’t really the one? I believe there are many ones for all of us. We might only find one person, and that sure saves a lot of time, but it doesn’t mean there aren’t others out there who could fit the bill.

I’ve found in my life that I’ve had many meaningful, intellectual, playful, sexual, and non-sexual relationships with people that have felt soulmate-esque.

You know, those people that you connect with on another worldly level throughout a lifetime who come and go. I believe that love is infinite, and we have the ability to truly love many people. Oh and what's with Menace’s interrogation of my date. “Have you masturbated to Emily yet?” he asks David over drinks. Did I really just hear that? I thought they were going to get out a ruler and measure their um... feet after that conversation.

You can always email your sex and relationship questions to me, through my website, on Twitter @sexwithemily, Facebook, or feedback@sexwithemily.com. I love hearing from you. You can also listen and subscribe to all of my podcasts here.

Can’t wait to hear what you think about Miss Advised and tonight’s episode.

xxx,
Emily

Self Sabotage?

Amy Laurent is ready to let her guard down with Kevin.

So things have come full circle for me; I find myself sitting here and thinking about some of the things I’ve gone through and finally trying to understand what has been holding me back with my own personal dating goals.  Not by any stretch of the meaning am I used to focusing so much on my own issues or emotions.  After so many years of ignoring those issues and just focusing on helping my clients, it’s sort of a scary and uncharted territory for me.  Yet, as I’m sitting here I’m recognizing that for the moment I am HAPPY.  Do we all deserve to be happy?  Maybe my answer for myself is finally yes. 

So let’s be honest.  I’m not used to a guy like Kevin -- he’s supportive, complimentary, and overall POSITIVE.  What the hell do I do with that?!  It’s a little bit strange for me to be around someone so nice, but at the same time there is no way I can let this set me back -- I’m sick of having anything good fall to pieces and not making good decisions in the name of self-sabotage.  I would NEVER let a client screw this up for themselves.  So why don’t I recognize that I deserve that very same consideration too? I better not screw this up now only because I’m used to young, condescending a-holes. 

The majority of my day of course has me reverting back to work (sorry, I can’t help it, baby steps!) and the fact that I still get my ultimate joy from seeing my client Tim Sykes and Lauren together.  They are truly ADORABLE; I just knew they were going to hit it off and were a match.  Tim has really started to grow on me since that first day I met him, and nothing would make me happier then to see him happy! I will make sure that happens for all my clients, but yet with Tim I feel I have really taken him under my wing.  He’s finally following ALL of my rules!  I am a proud mama hen, and he and Lauren truly seem happy.  I love it.OK, now back to Kevin and the fact that when I got home from work there was a package waiting for me.  Not only is Kevin super sweet (which I’m trying to embrace), but now he sends me a gift before the second date?  Argh, OK I’m struggling here and keep hovering my thoughts between “this is the most thoughtful thing anyone’s ever done” to “OMG this is weird, maybe I shouldn’t go out with this guy?”  But I stop myself.  Why?  Because I refuse to sabotage myself for once in my life when something good is happening for me.  Isn’t that part of my past insecurity of “I’m not good enough” that got me into a bad relationship with AB and completely being the kind of withering, meek girl in front of Lewis that is not excusable for any woman?

I’m really starting to think that I’ve avoided my own happiness and dating by hiding behind my work and throwing myself full on into my clients for so many years because some twisted part of me WAS worried I wasn’t good enough.  I gave consideration to my clients’ happiness, but why haven’t I given that same consideration to myself?  Have I really been treating myself so poorly and beating myself up? And if so, then for what reason?  Things are going to change, and they’re going to change NOW.  My eyes are wide open, and I probably will never be the same after these past few months. 

So damn it, the pajama pants are cute, and I’m going to own this and accept someone giving me compliments and being really sweet to me. You know what? Because I deserve it. There. I said it. I’m finally allowing myself that, because I am worthy. I finally get it.Seeing Kevin for the second date was probably one of the most special and happy moments that I’ve had in a long while, and I’m really proud of the fact that as frightful as it is for me, I’m staying open.  I’m not running away, doubting myself, feeling like I need to please someone or that I have to change who I am in order to be liked.  Sure, we all have flaws and things we need to work on.  I tell my clients this every day and force them to confront the very obstacles that keep setting them back in getting who they really deserve in a relationship.  Well now Amy is finally good enough and worthy enough to take Amy’s own advice for once.  Thank god, something is finally changing.

After the bumps and bruises, one can start to realize change is good.  I am left with so many thoughts after this date with Kevin and the incredible kiss that felt wonderful. My head is spinning right now, but I feel like I’m alive again.  And it’s OK to be human with these emotions.  In fact, it’s really NICE.  I feel like something that was shut off inside of me (without even knowing it) has suddenly been jump-started and is alive again thanks to Kevin and this whole experience.  My stomach is filled with a warm sensation and I literally feel like someone flipped the on switch.  It’s as if some little part in me I’ve ignored for a while is coming back to life.  It’s a bit emotional for me, and I am thankful.  I’m HAPPY.

Oddly enough, sitting in a silent room right now with all of this feels good.  I have a sense of hope and the realization that good things can happen for me.  I’m finally contemplating what it is that I really want for my future and what it really means to be happy.  I’m excited about the future and what it might hold for me.