You've Been Advised

Emily thinks she's getting closer to figuring out exactly what she wants.

I love that my mom thinks bisexuals are confused. I think they’re actually quite clear when they say, “Yes, I’d prefer one with a penis and one without.” I don’t see the issue here. So, how cute is my dog Daisy when she rolls her eyes at my mom on the phone? See, Daisy is not on vacation all the time.

Contrary to what my co-host, Menace, says, I don’t bash monogamy as much as I make it my life’s work to help people have a monogamous relationship or be successful at whatever kind of relationship makes sense to them. That’s why I started the Sex With Emily show and wrote a book on Hot Sex. You can even buy it here. A dying sex life will lead to a dying relationship. Spice up your sex life. Today. It’s imperative.

Why is Menace bringing a date to my book party? For the record, I think if you’re single you should never feel like you HAVE to bring a date. Maybe that’s why you’re still single, because you grabbed that guy that you kinda sorta liked because you didn’t want to be alone in a situation where you might actually meet someone. Why not put yourself in more situations to be single. Think about it. Amy. Is. Bad. Ass. I love when she goes all Tony Soprano on her client. I believe she would actually break his legs if he broke her rules. Now I’m afraid to break her rules. It occurs to me that Amy is the kind of person you want with you in the trenches during wartime or any natural disaster.

Oh, Ms. Julia. That must’ve been fun when the editor tells you that Los Angeles is a bad city to date in. Kind of like when you book a trip to Thailand and someone notifies you it’s hurricane season. I’m amused that everyone thinks whatever town they live in is the worst place to date. Yes, I’ve heard that about Los Angeles, but in fairness, I’ve heard the same thing about New York, San Francisco, and just about everywhere else. I don’t believe it for a second. If you’re single, it’s not the city you live in, it’s you. Wherever you live you can find someone to date. Take a different route home from work, sign up for a class, and practice talking to men and women… I’ll get into that more later. Or listen to my show here. I talk about it and give a lot of advice on dating and relationships.

The book launch party was a success from what I can remember. No, I wasn’t drunk. I’m not actually that big of a drinker, which is annoying because people always ask me when I’m going to name the drink I’ve been holding all night.

The Hot Sex book launch at Harlot is kind of a blur because so many of my friends, acquaintances, and ex-boyfriends (there were actually more than one at second glance) were there. Oh, and my brother. Wasn’t that classy when I screamed “Michael” so loudly across the room? Clearly I was excited, and how cute is he? He doesn’t visit from Michigan often, and it was really special to have him there for such a big night in my life. So why is my brother the man in the life? Quick rundown (you’ll need this info later): Parents were divorced when I was 9. I attended four of my parents’ weddings before I was 25-years-old. They had a bad habit of re-marrying and divorcing. Then my dad died suddenly of a heart attack when he was 49 and I was 19. It was devastating for both me and Michael, and Michael has truly been the man in my life ever since.

Cut to Julia’s beautiful, Rockwellian family. I wanted one of those blintz things they were eating for breakfast. In fact I wanted to plop down beside all of them, chat, and maybe stay awhile. Insightful to hear that Julia’s parents are obsessed with her love life, and I can’t help but wonder if that isn’t what made her obsessed with getting married. Julia, let’s talk offline.

Back in New York... oh, Amy, my dear, you met him at the gym!? Why didn’t I have this information before? Never date guys you meet at the gym! OK, never say never. You could meet a guy anywhere, and on second thought, I’ve dated a trainer or two.

Ah, San Francisco for my mini therapy session on the Michael and Menace show. Good times. Just to clarify, most Sex With Emily shows do not dissect my life. Usually it’s my listeners’ lives I’m analyzing and advising, but Menace had my brother in his death grip line of questioning (dog with a bone comes to mind). Side note: How many times in this episode does my brother give me “no you didn’t” look by the way? If we had to drink for each one of his looks, we’d all be tanked.It’s true that I haven’t found someone, but it’s also true that I haven’t been looking. I have been singularly and solely obsessed with bringing Sex With Emily to the world. Now my therapist (or maybe anyone who took Psych 101) might say that I use work to avoid commitment. Oops. Look at the time. We’ll have to circle back to that in another post.

Julia, how did those giant stuffed animals get to LA? Did they hijack your suitcase? Please explain. More importantly, where did you get a picture of Craigslist Justin’s abs? I just need to know. On to their date, I could actually see Julia formulating her thoughts – “Hmm. I don’t want to make-out with him, but he must be good for something with those abs... Let’s see, I know! I’ll have him move my boxes.” You go, girl. Way to delegate.

Amy, this date with AB is painful. I want to send him back to Saudi Arabia, but not until I unslick his hair. That’s what I think about that. You dodged a bullet, girlfriend.

But help me here, because I can’t decide if it was more painful watching Julia break up with Craigslist-abs-of-steel-box-mover or Amy telling AB at dinner that he had hurt her. Wait, I know what was painful -- dinner with my brother when he brought up work. Work has been stressful lately. We were eating dumplings and he wants to talk business and yet he won’t even try a c-ring? Then he wants to talk about my belief that you never should rely on a man (or anyone) to take care of you. I’m not convinced my mom gave me bad advice, but I think Michael had a point that people can have healthy dependency on someone.

Then he mentioned something about me sabotaging myself. That doesn’t feel completely accurate. I think things weren’t happening, because I wasn’t in alignment with what I truly wanted. Everything happens when you’re really ready emotionally, physically, and psychologically, and most importantly, know exactly what you want. I think I’m getting closer, and so goes the journey. Until next time. Next Monday that is. Oh boy.


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Self Sabotage?

Amy Laurent is ready to let her guard down with Kevin.

So things have come full circle for me; I find myself sitting here and thinking about some of the things I’ve gone through and finally trying to understand what has been holding me back with my own personal dating goals.  Not by any stretch of the meaning am I used to focusing so much on my own issues or emotions.  After so many years of ignoring those issues and just focusing on helping my clients, it’s sort of a scary and uncharted territory for me.  Yet, as I’m sitting here I’m recognizing that for the moment I am HAPPY.  Do we all deserve to be happy?  Maybe my answer for myself is finally yes. 

So let’s be honest.  I’m not used to a guy like Kevin -- he’s supportive, complimentary, and overall POSITIVE.  What the hell do I do with that?!  It’s a little bit strange for me to be around someone so nice, but at the same time there is no way I can let this set me back -- I’m sick of having anything good fall to pieces and not making good decisions in the name of self-sabotage.  I would NEVER let a client screw this up for themselves.  So why don’t I recognize that I deserve that very same consideration too? I better not screw this up now only because I’m used to young, condescending a-holes. 

The majority of my day of course has me reverting back to work (sorry, I can’t help it, baby steps!) and the fact that I still get my ultimate joy from seeing my client Tim Sykes and Lauren together.  They are truly ADORABLE; I just knew they were going to hit it off and were a match.  Tim has really started to grow on me since that first day I met him, and nothing would make me happier then to see him happy! I will make sure that happens for all my clients, but yet with Tim I feel I have really taken him under my wing.  He’s finally following ALL of my rules!  I am a proud mama hen, and he and Lauren truly seem happy.  I love it.OK, now back to Kevin and the fact that when I got home from work there was a package waiting for me.  Not only is Kevin super sweet (which I’m trying to embrace), but now he sends me a gift before the second date?  Argh, OK I’m struggling here and keep hovering my thoughts between “this is the most thoughtful thing anyone’s ever done” to “OMG this is weird, maybe I shouldn’t go out with this guy?”  But I stop myself.  Why?  Because I refuse to sabotage myself for once in my life when something good is happening for me.  Isn’t that part of my past insecurity of “I’m not good enough” that got me into a bad relationship with AB and completely being the kind of withering, meek girl in front of Lewis that is not excusable for any woman?

I’m really starting to think that I’ve avoided my own happiness and dating by hiding behind my work and throwing myself full on into my clients for so many years because some twisted part of me WAS worried I wasn’t good enough.  I gave consideration to my clients’ happiness, but why haven’t I given that same consideration to myself?  Have I really been treating myself so poorly and beating myself up? And if so, then for what reason?  Things are going to change, and they’re going to change NOW.  My eyes are wide open, and I probably will never be the same after these past few months. 

So damn it, the pajama pants are cute, and I’m going to own this and accept someone giving me compliments and being really sweet to me. You know what? Because I deserve it. There. I said it. I’m finally allowing myself that, because I am worthy. I finally get it.Seeing Kevin for the second date was probably one of the most special and happy moments that I’ve had in a long while, and I’m really proud of the fact that as frightful as it is for me, I’m staying open.  I’m not running away, doubting myself, feeling like I need to please someone or that I have to change who I am in order to be liked.  Sure, we all have flaws and things we need to work on.  I tell my clients this every day and force them to confront the very obstacles that keep setting them back in getting who they really deserve in a relationship.  Well now Amy is finally good enough and worthy enough to take Amy’s own advice for once.  Thank god, something is finally changing.

After the bumps and bruises, one can start to realize change is good.  I am left with so many thoughts after this date with Kevin and the incredible kiss that felt wonderful. My head is spinning right now, but I feel like I’m alive again.  And it’s OK to be human with these emotions.  In fact, it’s really NICE.  I feel like something that was shut off inside of me (without even knowing it) has suddenly been jump-started and is alive again thanks to Kevin and this whole experience.  My stomach is filled with a warm sensation and I literally feel like someone flipped the on switch.  It’s as if some little part in me I’ve ignored for a while is coming back to life.  It’s a bit emotional for me, and I am thankful.  I’m HAPPY.

Oddly enough, sitting in a silent room right now with all of this feels good.  I have a sense of hope and the realization that good things can happen for me.  I’m finally contemplating what it is that I really want for my future and what it really means to be happy.  I’m excited about the future and what it might hold for me. 

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