Cast Blog: #MISSADVISED

Prom!

Wake-Up Call

Just Say Yes

Self Sabotage?

Breakdown Breakthrough

How Soon is Too Soon?

Changing for the Better

Dinner Date

Dr. Jekyll and Ms. Hyde

In Treatment

Blindsided

Threesomes Please Apply

Witchy Woman

The More the Merrier

Fear of Rejection

Fire Away

Great Lake State

Your Love is My Drug

Never Initiate

Horrifically Brutal

Stripped

Carrie Bradshaw Complex

You've Been Advised

No Exceptions

Prom!

Julia really, really loves prom.

PROMMM!

Oh, prom. Prom, prom, how I love thee.

As I wrote in my ELLE Guinea Pig of Love column, “Why prom? Oh, hell, who knows? Why do some people love bowling and others enjoy chess? Why do some people appreciate beer and others get off on NASCAR? It’s just whatever makes you happy. And prom makes ME happy. I love it. I love everything about it. I love the gowns and the boys in tuxedos and the dancing and the cheesy posed photographs and the limos and the adolescent camaraderie and the milestone event-ness of it all.”I love the process of prom -- the detailed planning, the selection of the date (Will he ask me? Should I ask him!?), the arguably even more important selection of the dress (long, short, puffy, slender, strapless, blue, red, black, pink?), the selection of which questionable creative up-do I should pay $50 at a hair salon to get and then subsequently be miserable about, remove, and do myself.

To me, prom is a moving art installation rife with opportunities for creative expression. It’s the first time in most people’s young lives that they have an opportunity to wear formal wear, for one. And there’s something special about a group of people -- be they at a graduation or a dance or a charity event or a wedding -- all dressed up with someplace to go, someplace reminiscent of 1950s Americana, like the Enchantment Under the Sea dance in Back to the Future or Betsey Johnson’s ‘50s prom-inspired collection. (If I were making the calls, prom would always be set in 1955. But with iPhone cameras.)

More than anything, I love me a ball gown. Especially ones with lots of tulle, those that swish and swoosh around as you walk, those that billow and cocoon you in swatches of glamorous fabric, those that make you feel, well, like a princess! And I REALLY love me a man in a tux (I think we can all agree, every male looks a little more debonair, a little more James Bond, when they slip on a dinner jacket.) I even love Jessica McClintock. Don’t hate. I’m from the Midwest.

For my junior year prom I actually convinced my entire group of girlfriends to wear matching tiaras. Yes, really. Some (sparkly) things don’t change.In case you weren’t already convinced of my inveterate geekiness, senior prom, I went -- platonically -- with my debate partner, Andrew. (Yes, Andrew. Same name as my date in this episode!) The dress I wore? That very same blue tulle strapless gown, bought at Nordstrom, if I remember correctly. Or maybe Bloomingdale’s. Either way, I hadn’t tried it on since I was 18 -- that’s 12 years (at the time this was filmed)! I was terrified prior to surprising Andrew, because I literally didn’t know whether it would zip up or not. And I didn’t have another dress. HA!

But I’m getting ahead of myself. We start this episode with me freaking out about writing. Sigh. As I write in my ELLE column:

My “writer’s anxiety” (which sometimes morphs into the more virulent and better known “writer’s block”) isn’t exactly a new phenomenon with me, but it’s gotten exponentially more severe in the last few years. It manifests as an almost debilitating concern over how others will perceive my words, leading frequently to procrastination and temporary paralysis over articles that (in theory) I *want* to do -- subjects that are engaging and intellectually stimulating and even, dare I say, fun.

I’ve published over 400 print articles and columns, and that’s not counting my thousands of blog posts ... but many of them have been unnecessarily torturous experiences. I find that the more I care about the piece, the harder it is to write. Whether that’s because I interviewed someone I greatly respected or because I was writing it for a magazine I admired or because I was sharing something deeply personal and meaningful. The pieces that weren’t difficult were those I expected no one to read. Let’s put it this way: I don’t have writer’s anxiety in my diary. See the pattern?

Cue Peter Crone, the “mind architect” as he calls himself, or “happiness expert” as he is called in the episode. I greet him at my door, furious over my column, which isn’t going “perfectly.” I’m tense, rigid in my body, and Peter calls me out on it.

 

 

“You’re closed up,” he says.

“You shouldn’t be wearing a shirt,” I think.

Yeah, sorry. It’s hard to concentrate on enlightenment when someone that godlike sits mere inches from me on the couch.

As I go through the three-hour hypnosis (OK, OK, so he didn’t TECHNICALLY hypnotize me, but that’s certainly what it felt like), I felt my body -- and then mind -- relax. Sort of the way you feel after a glass of wine or a massage or ... an orgasm. Calm and clear and very UNblocked.

I write more in depth about my experience with Peter in my ELLE column, but suffice it to say, he began the long process of disabling my inner (nasty) critics’ diatribe -- which comes out both when I write and when I date, and doesn’t make either a more pleasant or authentic experience.As I said to Peter toward the end of our session, I’m not really sure who the authentic Julia Allison is. But I know that I’m closer than ever to discovering it. Or maybe it’s not a static set of traits -- maybe it’s dynamic, ever shifting.

Either way, that authentic Julia hates boring dinner and drinks dates, loves being silly, and adores prom. I couldn’t find an ACTUAL prom to attend (trust me, if I could have, I would have), but I though that a facsimile of one with a few twists -- food truck, empty dive bar -- would suffice. Besides, Andrew dresses up as a donut and raps for a living (seriously: http://www.mcjellydonut.com/), so I figured of all the people in the world who could handle this date, he could.

He could -- and he did. Although somewhat nervous (mainly, he told me, about looking like an idiot in a tuxedo), he loved the food truck and REALLY loved the dancing (the kid can dance). As for our first kiss, standing up screaming out of the roof of a stretch limo? Pretty epic. I never got THAT on prom!

PROMMM!

Read more about:

How Soon is Too Soon?

Emily Morse shares her thoughts on how long to wait before sex.

Have I mentioned that I love what I do for a living? I mean, I really do. For so many reasons, but I’ll pick one for now: one of the best parts of my job is hearing from my listeners. I read all your emails and try to answer all your questions during my podcast and radio show Sex With Emily on my website. One of the questions I most commonly get asked is: “When should I sleep with him?” This question has come up several times over the past few episodes of Miss Advised and again tonight.



“Are you going to sleep with David?” Correct me if I’m wrong, but I was asked this question by every single person I encountered on tonight’s episode. So I figured you probably wanted to know as well. Well, I can’t tell you until next week’s finale episode, but I can tell you this about the notion of sex and timing: it’s always best to wait as long as you can. Sure, we all get attracted to people and want to sleep with them. It’s human nature. While I don’t believe in the stereotypical dating rules, I do believe that when it comes to sex, it’s best to wait. Here’s why.

There are emotional consequences involved when we sleep with someone too soon and not all of them are particularly desirable. Sex does change the relationship dynamics by nature of, well, nature. Meaning we immediately get biologically hooked on the sex. When we start having sex with someone too soon, specifically women, we immediately become attached.

The “love” drugs (including oxytocin, serotonin, and dopamine) fire rapidly, bathing our brains in these “feel good” hormones. Which is exactly why they say love is blind: sex can literally shield us from seeing our new partner as they truly are. This is especially bad during a time when we need to see them most clearly, so you won’t miss major character traits (for example those pesky red flags). These crazy love drugs are released after we have sex with someone and can sometimes prematurely attach us to the wrong people, because we are really attached to the sex.

Making the decision about when to sleep with someone should be taken with greater mental acuity than just following what feels good in the moment. Take the time to get to know someone, see if you’re on the same page about what you want out of your new “connection,” and take it from there.

Talk about where the relationship is going before you sleep with someone. Even if the “relationship” is a one night stand, you should speak up ahead of time. Sex does change the dynamic. There’s no way around it. Tonight’s episode also highlights the age old question, “Do you believe in the one?” I believe there are many “ones.” People come into our lives for different reasons. They can teach us lessons about ourselves and our world if we choose to pay attention. Some of those people are in for a lifetime and others for a few days.

The notion of finding one person to fill all our needs is what’s most troubling. There is no “magic bullet” of a perfect person. No one can fill all our needs, it’s just not possible. So the belief that goes along with “the one” has potential to be a giant fallacy or disappointment sending legions of women on wild goose chases to find their soul mates.

There are people who mate for life. In fact, I’m in awe of these couples. But just because there are happy, lifelong couples doesn’t mean there is only one person for them.

For example, think about divorce or death of a loved one and finding love again. Does this mean the past partner wasn’t really the one? I believe there are many ones for all of us. We might only find one person, and that sure saves a lot of time, but it doesn’t mean there aren’t others out there who could fit the bill.

I’ve found in my life that I’ve had many meaningful, intellectual, playful, sexual, and non-sexual relationships with people that have felt soulmate-esque.

You know, those people that you connect with on another worldly level throughout a lifetime who come and go. I believe that love is infinite, and we have the ability to truly love many people. Oh and what's with Menace’s interrogation of my date. “Have you masturbated to Emily yet?” he asks David over drinks. Did I really just hear that? I thought they were going to get out a ruler and measure their um... feet after that conversation.

You can always email your sex and relationship questions to me, through my website, on Twitter @sexwithemily, Facebook, or feedback@sexwithemily.com. I love hearing from you. You can also listen and subscribe to all of my podcasts here.

Can’t wait to hear what you think about Miss Advised and tonight’s episode.

xxx,
Emily