Turtle Time!

For the rest of my life (or at least a long time) I may find myself waking up in the middle of the night hearing Ramona whisper “Turtle Tiiiiiiiime” in my ear. For a shorter amount of time – this week, that is, I found myself wondering exactly how wide Courte can open his eyes and his mouth. All at the same time!

LuAnn is hard at work on her single, and as I always say, good on each and every housewife for attempting to branch out. That said, I’m not really sure she sounds like a female Barry White. The Pet Shop Boys, maybe ... but we’ll see.

By the time we went away to St. Thomas and St. John, we knew that neither LuAnn nor Jill would be coming. Ramona called them the buzzkills, and I have to say that I was really looking forward to a drama-free few days when we didn’t have anyone trying to constantly be the center of attention. It was the first time EVER that I went away from Simon and the boys when it wasn’t a business trip, and we all put ourselves in Ramona’s hands. My parents had a house on St. Thomas, and I sort of hoped to stop by. My Mom had given me a list of 30 friends to call, but there was no time for that. But there was Turtle Time.

No sooner had we arrived then the rumblings started. All was not well in Kelly-land. At first it seemed like normal Kelly non-sequiturs. No pretzels, she doesn’t eat processed food, but she does eat gummy bears …WTF? All that sugar and carnauba wax can make a girl manic. Anyway, we arrived at the pier and the Olga, a truly spectacular yacht. We gleefully ran around the place, and Ramona unpacked her bags in the living room to show us all her bikinis. We all stripped down and got ready for lunch, well, everyone except Kelly, who didn’t feel comfortable eating in a bikini. OK, no problem with that – go get a cover-up. She came back when Ramona was demanding wine, and somehow didn’t understand Bethenny’s offer to go stomp on some grapes? Hmm.

We needed to address a little Jill fallout. Let me explain exactly why. It was Thursday. Jen’s party (from last week’s episode, death, mean girl, high school, etc.) had taken place on Monday. Everything had happened in the space of four days, and we were all still reeling from it. It wasn’t as though we wanted to dredge up the past for fun; it was still the present and we hadn’t had a chance to sit down with Bethenny, who had just flown in from LA. So when the debriefing began, Kelly became really uncomfortable, and I understood that as she and Jill had become close. Again, no problem. It became weird when she started to narrate a different version of events. And then wouldn’t let us speak. And then said we were making lemonade out of lemons. Isn’t that what you’re supposed to do? I understand she was uncomfortable, but that’s when she should walk away and let us finish so she doesn’t have to hear it. Luckily, she did – she gave herself a timeout and came back to a better place. Temporarily.

Why did no one follow me to the fish? I think Ramona’s noodle was scaring them away. The only thing I was sorry about on the trip was that I didn’t have time to do a proper dive, but no one else was scuba certified and it was too much trouble. I did however swim several hundred yards alongside a beautiful stingray.

We had dinner, and Kelly brought us shots. I needed one while sitting between Kelly and Bethenny. Did Kelly really believe that a one-night-stand equals unprotected sex? In whose universe? I don’t recall Bethenny saying she slept with everyone in America. Somehow that’s what Kelly heard, and called her a ho-bag. Chef, author, ho-bag. Can you get business cards for that? Bethenny hightailed over to us and the Hooters Patrol, and I felt badly that we abandoned Sonja, though she got herself over quickly enough. Champ looked horrified that he’d allowed crazy people on his yacht, and after Ramona kissed him a few times and Sonja got her Hooters fix, we decided to call it a night. Almost. Not yet. It’s TURTLE TIME!!! Tune in next week for even more craziness…it only gets better.

Fast forwarding to this weekend, Simon and the chums and I had a great Mother’s Day weekend in Boston – a book signing, a Duck Tour and lots of fun. Check out www.mccordvankempen.com to see our next book tour dates – we’ll be up and down the east coast and in Chicago soon.