Gretchen's Love Song and Vicki's Vodka

Are you ready to spend your life with this recap (or at least the amount of your life it takes to read it with this recap?). I hope so, because this episode is all about monumental life changes, and also drawing pictures of stick figures responsible for crimes. Let's get into it.

Snowed Out
We open with Gretchen giving Slade a ring post-ski. She's feeling a little snowbummed that Tamra and she couldn't work out their Malibu County issues -- and she's not into Heather's text ettiquette about the role. Gretchen's tired of being the bigger person and she's ready to let the truth that's on her side free. You speak your truth girl -- I feel sure that Heather will speak hers.

Next we see Heather and Terry checking out a lot in Newport Beach. First of all -- that's a lot of lot. Did it not look like the most sprawling cul de sac you've ever seen. Second of all (and speaking of cul de sacs), "I love a cul de sac street" might be my new favorite saying of all time. Seriously, it's true. Who doesn't love a cul de sac? It's a shame that Heather is the only one among us to really vocalize it and make me understand the true abiding affection I have for neighborhood circles. And so how can the Dubrow brood turn down a cool $16.5 million to move to a utopia like that? Plus, Collette is going to need the space (have you seen that child -- lots of energy!). And Terry says now he's going to be around more now. Though it might be hard to find him in 17,000 square feet.

Setting the Date
I'm handing out a special award to Tamra Barney this episode. I'm naming her "Queen of the Subtle Topic Broacher." At dinner, she just casually asks the waitress if this establishment is available for weddings in front of Eddie. I was half expecting her to ask if they could get hitched after the appetizers. (Can you bring us out some chips, salsa and the justice of the peace?) Homegirl was not going to wait any longer to set the date. And her shaming him about locations worked -- when it all came down to it, Eddie just didn't want to plan the whole thing. So Tamra took matters into her own hands, whipped out the iPhone and locked in June 22. Handled.

In other date setting news, Gretchen has decided that now she's ready to marry Slade and that she's going to be the one proposing. Two points for progressive thinking G! And what better way to show that a feminist can do anything a man can do than with a song. Empower yourself with a catchy anthem. 

I hope Slade cries? Is that wrong. I just want him to be appropriately moved.

All About Alexis
Alexis and Gretchen. . . Gretchen and Alexis. Since Gretchen was having doubts about her friendship with Tamra, I really had high hopes that perhaps this could push her to mend her friendship with Alexis. Maybe they would make up as easily as Alexis has found common, civil ground with Tamra and Heather -- or maybe even something better. What if somehow everyone came together and watched Malibu County and just decided they all liked each other and only remembered the monkeys-stealing-bananas parts of Costa Rica. 

No dice.

Betrayed or Just Making It About Alexis?

Lesson learned: a tweet can not mend a relationship. 

But Alexis has an acting gig to bounce back with -- and it's an acting gig that also contains a very artistic component. Please watch her get her sketch artist on as many times as possible. The lady has gone method and it shows!

Are You There Vodka, It's Me Your Ex-Boyfriend
If you and someone both like country music, but then that person and you break up is that person dead? That seems to be the syntax problem Vicki was having as she headed out with Brooks on her business (not pleasure) trip to taste vodkas. Thankfully she and her un-business partner could agree to drink through the awkwardness of Vicki wearing all her emotions on her sleeve, shoulders, lips, face, etc. etc. Bloody Piggys for everyone! (Note: next week Slade maybe calls Vicki "Tupperware Face," I can't wait to see what cocktail she makes out of spite for that one.) Important question: is a Bloody Piggy a good drink name? It certainly sounds like something Anthony Bourdain woud like.

After a hard day of drinking, Brooks and Vicki head to dinner, and perhaps because she's feeling the rush of bacon vodka, Vicki wastes no time in asking Brooks about Lauri's accusations.

Vicki's Rumor-Filled Relationship with Brooks

He denies and she believes. But that's not enough to build a relationship on -- since Brooks is not going to wait around for Briana to accept him. He wants someone who can be in his whole life -- and he can be in theirs. So for now they are "dating" but not dating. . . .Huh?

Also Lydia admitted her Instagram shame and then she and her mama Judy discussed something that shouldn't be Instagrammed ever: tea bags. Now we've covered everything.

What do you think pals? Will Slade accept Gretchen's proposal? Would you have believed that Lydia made that cake? Will Tamra and Alexis give Gretchen some serious shade at next week's Winter Wonderland party? Stay tuned to see!