Brian & Ephraim

The two most opposite people manage to find connections online. E-Cupid does exist.

So you're back for week two of Online Dating Rituals of the American Male, huh? Alex and Marcus (mostly Alex) didn't scare you away? Great! Let's do this thing.

First up, we've got Brian Reams, a 33-year-old artist/entrepreneur who has creatively named his online profile "Brian_Dreams." Brian claims that at least one woman has compared him to Michelangelo's David, an iconic Renaissance statue of an Italian man with a very small penis. So, compliment?

As he told us in his profile,Brian loves all things beautiful. Beautiful boobs, beautiful legs, beautiful brunettes. "There are beautiful girls online," Brian said, "but you have to go through lot of trash to find them." Why is this guy single, again?


Our next dater this week is the "SweetSmartDork," Ephraim Hirschfeld, and he's not kidding about any of those adjectives. Ephraim is a single dad to 8-year-old Ben, and his father, Peter, lives with them as he's suffering from emphysema. Ephraim is a successful finance businessman and really in shape—the only reason he's still in the dating game is because he just can't seem to turn the dork factor down. Like, not even a half a notch. I mean, there are three smiley faces in his online profile.

Brian started off with pretty blonde Mara who he invited to an art studio where he objectified her body—he thought her kneecaps were "a little big"—and made her uncomfortable by discussing paintings of creepy naked women in a forest. Mara was immediately on to Brian's whole semi-misogynistic shtick, which is kind of funny because even Brian still isn't on to Brian's whole semi-misogynistic shtick.

Mara was still a good sport when Brian took her back to his house and continued to casually insult her. Then his sisters mysteriously emerged from an extra bedroom to grill her, and that was enough to set Mara over the edge. "I needed to get out of there," she said. Understatement of the year.

Ephraim invited Alyssa out for a day date at the Sherman Oaks Castle Park mini golf course, which Ephraim genuinely referred to as "a very romantic setting." Though Ephraim only thought Alyssa was a "7 or and 8," he still brought out all of his best moves, including quoting Happy Gilmore. The date was a bogey.

Ephraim set up a date with another cute blonde, Dahlia, but when she showed up with dyed red hair, Ephraim was not enthused. "Holy gingersnap, Batman!" He really said that.

Things went from bad to worse when Dahlia revealed that she is an erotic author. Then she whipped out her latest novel and read an excerpt. After Ephraim shifted uncomfortably on his chair about 300 times, he still managed to maintain his sweetness—he said they weren't a match, but he was thankful for the "interesting" night.

After a horrible, horrible painting date with Russian ex-pat Nina—on a scale from one to ten, it was Putin levels of dislike for one another—Brain met Keather (that's Heather with a K) at a rose garden. Brian said the following things during their date: "This is the problem that I have with my ex..." "I was just born gifted," and "So you think I'm attractive? Like, really attractive?" Uhh, Brian, you're insecurities are showing. Obviously the date was a bust.

He decided to hit up an former online hook-up, Vera, and he surprisingly turned out all the stops. He invited her over and made her dinner, opened up to her about his paintings and asked her personal questions. (Who is this guy and what did he do with Brian?) She was a little curious as to why he decided to contact her again. "I felt like we had a connection," Brian told her. No really, who is this Brian doppelganger who has manners and feelings?


Later, things were on the up-and-up for Ephraim when he received a message from Emma who uses as many exclamation marks as him. Emma thought Ephraim was super hot and started the date with two whiskey shots, so she was super awesome. And Ephraim was totally into it! So into it that he challenges her to a thumb war—that's like the dork version of putting your arm around a girl.

In the end, Brian and Vera decided they're going to go on a third date and "see how it goes," and Ephraim and Emma shared THE MOST AWKWARD KISS TO HAVE EVER HAPPENED ON EARTH. The truth is they actually make a totally adorkable couple. L'Chaim!

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