Another day, another date. Thus is life for this week's courageous online daters, Jason and Matt.
Let's start with 33-year-old director Jason. One hundred brownie points for picking a profile name based on Zack Morris' band in Saved by the Bell ("ZackAttack8"), and another couple points for being from the Midwest. (Those guys are nice!) Though a lot of things look great about Jason on paper, the problem is he thinks life should be exactly like a romantic comedy, and he's looking for a 90's Pamela Anderson-esque leading lady.
On the other hand, Matt, a 27-year-old insurance entrepreneur, is looking for any girl, literally any girl, that will just agree to go home with him. He's been on over 200 online dates across the country because he's always traveling for his job, and nothing's worked out so far. Matt is a constant giggler and physically cannot stop himself from dropping totally inappropriate sexual innuendos. He also loves to pick up his dates in limos—all red flags in this recapper's opinion.
While Matt's in L.A., he hits up "LindseyAshley" for a dinner date that he's hoping will go straight to the bedroom. Take a guess at how that worked out…BINGO.
Meanwhile, Jason agreed to a drink with "Erikarose," an expert in vocal fry and oyster shooters. Erika spent a lot of the date explaining a few of her past romantic foibles (read: more than one of her previous suitors asked to urinate on her), and Jason ultimately decided she wasn't exactly going to land top billing in his film of life.
Next up, Jason met Emily at a dog park for a little hoola hooping, dog watching, and casual discussion about auras and other things you read on Yogi tea bags. Emily is from Massachusetts, but she's not "totally sure if she's from this planet, if you want to get real technical." I think the Kundalini yoga breathing exercises is really what pushed Jason too far outside his comfort zone, but, hey, at least she was nice!
Matt punched way above his weight class with Ornella, a model who showed up to a golf date in a full leather outfit. He tried his usual 1-2 combination of non-stop giggling and uncomfortable sexual remarks, and to put it nicely, Ornella wanted to swing a 9-iron at him. "I, honestly...I don't even like his face." She actually said that. Matt giggled all the way home...alone.
Then, Jason went on the most terrifying date of all time. Judging by her profile pictures, Jason thought he was meeting a 36-year-old sassy blonde lady named Candis. Who he met was a 50-year-old mother of six in a bodycon dress and an '80s perm.
Bless Candis' pink-shimmer-lipstick heart, she really pulled out all the stops—a giant push-up bra, lots of touching, and an invite to her jacuzzi (probably both literally and figuratively). Luckily, Jason made it out physically unscathed, but likely mentally scarred for life.
Matt gets back at it with "Allie99," a cute blonde who loves champagne. It seemed like it could have been his first home run of the episode until he realized that she reminded him of his sister. ABORT MISSION.
Finally, Jason had high hopes for his date with Renee, a bubbly short brunette who is also from the Midwest (!), also has dogs (!!) and also thinks life is one long romcom (!!!). The date was a hit, and the two even got the exact same fortune in their fortune cookies! That's the kind of thing that only happens—wait for it—in a movie. The date was stellar, and it ended with the perfect Hollywood kiss.
But back to Matt. Even after all of his practice across the country, the guy still has no clue—he double-booked AND THE DATES FOUND OUT! Lauren showed up early to meet Matt while he was still on his date with Joanne, and Lauren still agreed to a drink with him. Joanne, our hero, GTFO of there ASAP (like all respectable women should, IMHO). But Karma won out in the end — Matt still woke up alone. "Maybe I have to change up my game a bit," Matt thought to himself. Uh...ya think?