Hello, and welcome to our recap of the first episode of Online Dating Rituals of the American Male! Strap in your wireless connection and buckle up, because this season is going to be a hilarious, terrifically cringe-y (in the best way) ride!
Our first online dating pioneer is Marcus, a 36-year-old divorcee who rightfully calls himself “thefitartist.” (He should always brush his teeth without a shirt on, just this gal's opinion.) Marcus takes the whole online dating thing pretty seriously after his divorce threw him for a loop. He and his wife split up after "she turned into a completely different person," which either means things fell apart (as 50 percent of marriages do) or she was secretly a blood-sucking shapeshifter.
Next up is our modern day Rico Suave, Alex, also known online as “PrimeTime99.” Alex is 27 and his parents got divorced when he was really young. He used to go on dates with his dad when he was little, so it's not surprising that his dating logic consists of incredible one-liners like, "This girl is probably an alcoholic—I like that," "You bounce back from a broken heart by going out and getting laid," and, "I like to eat steak and shrimp, and I like to walk around like a ten-foot pimp."