This week's episode of Online Dating Rituals of the American Male began with a succinct, somewhat depressing truth about dating in 2014: "Online dating is like being a kid in a candy shop—at a certain point, you spend too much time in a candy shop, you're gonna get fat and lose your teeth." With that, let's do this!
Up first this week was Travis. Everything about this guy's intro was pretty standard stuff: His screen name is "sharkness77" (because of his shark tattoo, natch), he's a personal trainer and videographer, he loves wakeboarding, cliff diving… oh, and he's a 36-year-old virgin.
Travis is a Christian and is saving himself for marriage, but he hopes that his wife is out there behind a hidden URL he hasn't unlocked yet. Ha! Good luck! Godspeed, Travis!
Our other dater this week is Davey Wavey, a gay YouTube star who claims he's addicted to online dating. His addiction is hindering his goal of being in a long-term monogamous relationship, something he's never had. "I want something with a little bit more substance, because someday the music stops, and there aren't 4,500 messages on your Grindr—you're lucky if you can get one." Saddest sentence about Grindr ever.
Davey first date was with Aldo, a stylist who basically looked nothing like his photos online. It's clear these two are definitely not a match from the beginning, but Davey kept it polite and PC. "I can't say that I'm attracted to Aldo, but at the same time, I can't look away." You know things are going well when you have the same reaction to your date as you do to a train accident.
Things seemed to be going semi-okay, but then Aldo officially jumped the date shark when he twerked for Davey in the middle of the restaurant. Literally never a good idea.
Across town, Travis' first date was with Caitlin, a bubbly brunette who wrote that she loves pickles and dinosaurs, two details that made Travis think she could be his dream girl. But Caitlin was a little too forward with Travis IRL, especially when she awkwardly #mammed for him, which is when you set your boobs on an object/a thing that has its own hashtag for no reason. Caitlin reacted to Travis' virgin news the way he says most girls do: They make sure he's serious first, then they laugh hysterically, then they offer their…services. Alas, Travis and Caitlin were not a match made in heaven.
So then Travis tried a day date with "KTexasGirl," who also "loves the Lord" and happened to be a virgin! I was sure these two were going to get married, but then they started talking politics.
Though both Travis and Kaeli are very devout, that's where their similarities ended. Kaeli's very liberal with "other things," meaning she supports gay marriage. And Travis...doesn't.
Eeeeeeek. Kaeli really went in on Travis, demanding he defend his opinion. Then there was a whole big argument about who was being more judgmental. Kaeli eventually put the kibosh on the entire situation—she walked out mid-date.
So, no second date then?
Meanwhile, Davey met a cute model/writer for what seemed more like an interview than a date, and a couple (VERY MAJOR) red flags popped up: He is definitely still in love with his ex-boyfriend, and he's having kids with a lesbian couple in a month. NEXT!
Later, during Travis' quick meet-up with his "accountability buddy" Stuart (who miiiiight be a 60-year-old virgin), he warned Travis that he's still single because he's been so picky. Stuart doesn't want the same thing to happen to Travis, which is what prompted Travis to agree to a date with Mermaid9 (AKA Lorea), a sassy fashion designer who wasn't really in his wheelhouse. But Lorea was surprisingly very accepting of Travis' lifestyle, and in return, he was pretty accepting about the fact that she doesn't consider herself religious. Progress! After the date, he said he was looking forward to next time, he just needed to keep his "impure thoughts" at bay. #coldshowers
Davey also found success at the end of the episode, save for that weird date with gay twins that he was hoping would fulfill his lifelong "twincest" fantasy. (It didn't.) His first date with adorable travel writer Arthur went really well, and the two hit it off immediately—Davey's left nipple even made an appearance about five minutes into the date.
In conclustion, love is real, snaps for everyone!