I have to admit, I was rolling my eyes and chomping on chips while she was on the other end of the phone talking to me about things she knows nothing about.
But, hey, for a story and for kicks, I heard her out. Lori (wanted her last name withheld) is a psychic medium at Beacon Truth, which bills itself as “a compassionate, professional, ethical online platform of spiritual advisors.” The company just launched and features a range of “experts” specializing in psychic readings, mediumship, astrology, crystal healing, tarot and angel card readings, and dream analysis.
So when they offered to read my cards, I thought, why not? (Other than I still think it's for crazypants people who think they're seeing into the future.)
Currently, I am pregnant and expecting baby girl on April 30. That’s most obviously the biggest thing happening in my life. Work, home, family, friends, nothing is currently rocking the boat too much. So I wondered what Lori would have to reveal to me, except the fact I've been hiding ice cream in the back of the freezer for myself and eating it while Googling "why are some babies ugly?"
Let’s break down her predictions. (I know nothing about tarot cards and think mediums are, well, bananas, but again, let’s see.)
The first card she pulled was the crowning card. Lori says: “It’s your very first card, the Queen of Cups. Your focus has been on your loving relationship, paying attention to the ones you love and becoming very clear on what you want. You have a lot of love in your life. With this card you’re off to a good start.”
I do have a good relationship with my husband and feel I do have lots of love in my life, but let’s get to some hard facts, Lori.
The second card she pulled was the Card of the World. “The world is at your feet,” Lori tells me. “When this card appears, I tell my clients to dream big and make big goals because the universe is open up to you and what you want for yourself can actually come true. From the end of January to July, focus on your personal goals with a list because this is a good time for you.”
My number one personal goal right now is to get the kid out so I can have some wine.
She adds that for the past six months I have been stuck creatively but that it will not last because the “creative arts” lifestyle I want for myself will happen, and to “dance” and write when I feel like it. Just not at the same time. You could throw your back out.
Then ... well, then things turn weird. Lori gets an old man coming through who wants to talk to me. I never knew my grandfathers so whoever it is is a perv and obviously has a pregnant lady fetish and he's saying “sorry” and I think he’s on the wrong frequency so I say "let’s move on please." Wrong number, buddy.
My next card pulled is the Card of the Fool/Card of Bravery.
“It’s about taking chances taking leaps, trusting that all will be OK,” Lori tells me. “Don’t talk yourself out of something in the moment, trust everything will be OK in the end and use spontaneity.”
Lori doesn’t realize I really don’t leave the apartment that much and my spontaneity chip left with my formerly skinny self. Even if you tell me the plan six months ahaead of time, I'm not going. And we still haven’t gotten to the baby, or my mom.
After talking about a tentacles card and my “spending money,” Lori says I’ll be able to save soon. Sure OK. As soon as the kid comes out, I’m sure she'll be real inexpensive and quiet as a mouse. Beep boop, here’s the old guy again. “He feels weak, like he had a stroke,” Lori tells me. Still don’t know him, he’s barking up the wrong tree. I'm starting to feel bad for him, like his own family blocked his calls or something.
Then Lori starts repeating “three months, what’s in three months?” This was in late January, so three months would be April, when I am due.
“I’m having a baby then,” I tell her as she probably peruses my social media for my due date and the sex. Just kidding, Lori, tell me what you know. She says someone is now trying to come through who has passed and I reveal that my mom has, but that the old man is probably blocking the line.
“She’s holding a baby on the other side,” Lori tells me. “She says ‘I get to hold her first.’” Great, and sweet and all, but being that she’s no longer a living person with arms, I doubt that will be the case.
Lori then goes on to tell me to “stop worrying about her name,” and says my mom is throwing a dishtowel at me and telling Lori to show me the red bow. (Uh, what red bow, there is no red bow to be found anywhere, I’m not worried about a name, and get that dirty dishtowel away from me because I hate germs and don’t want dead people touching me with stuff.)
She says in the next couple of weeks, an owl will appear, and that that will be a sign from my mom. Well, hoot, hoot, still haven’t seen one yet. She tells me my mom says I’ll be a better mom than she was, but that talk requires amazing health insurance and about ten years of solid therapy to even begin to discuss so let's move on.
And she reassures me “your baby is fine, everything works out perfectly,” (like all the hospital tests have shown so far.) Thanks Lor.
In all seriousness though, being the skeptic I am, Lori was sweet and truly believes that she is communicating with the other side. Ask me, there is no "other side" unless you went on an LSD trip you never came back from in 1993.
Lori explains that it was in her late 20’s when she started sensing the afterlife coming through as a certain type of energy. And hey, what do I know? No one knows anything for sure. She says in the beginning, she was "freaked out," by her gift, but soon learned to help fine tune the messages and even shut them off if she feels like she needs silence. "Alexa, silence the ghosts?"
“Our loved ones, they are not hindered by a physical body so they can be everywhere,” she says. “I’ve seen too much to not be convinced of it — energy is the one thing that cannot be destroyed.”
Take me to the gym, I'll prove you wrong. I'll be lying on the floor with an empty tank before you even flip the stairmaster on.
And Lori practices self-protection work before a reading, cleaning out any weird spiritual junk for only the good stuff to come through.
“I pray the rosary before I begin and open up my chakras to protect me from anything negative coming through.”
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