Dear Bravo Readers,
First and foremost, I would like to say thank you so much for taking a ride with me on this. I wouldn't be growing and becoming stronger if it weren't for you all! Thank you for all of the support and love because it means a lot to me.
This has definitely been a crazy year for me and obviously an emotional one. I understand you all think I have a lot of "feelings" and I am constantly emotional, but that's only one part of me. We all have different sides to us and that's what makes us human and beautiful. I am no different than any other person. I know many of you have not agreed with my decisions in the past few episodes, and I will not reiterate why I did what I did.
I do take ownership when I do wrong to someone, and I think it's very clear in the season finale when I ask all the girls to come together for the Tashlich ceremony and I apologized to every single one of them. Believe me -- I try my best not to hurt others, but none of us are saints, and we are definitely not G-d or a higher power.
The reason I love Tashlich so much is because it's a chance to apologize to G-d for all of your sins, a chance to apologize to the people you have done wrong to (despite who is in the right or wrong), and it's about letting go of the past and not dwelling on who did what but to acknowledge forgiveness and start a new. I took ownership at Tashlich that if me going to help save Ashlee was hurtful and wrong to the other girls, then I apologized from the bottom of my heart. I never wanted them to feel like I abandon them or took sides.
I tried to bring the girls together because I do feel I have a bond with each and every one of them, and I try to see each and everyone of their sides. We have all hurt each other at one point or another and therefore, we should have all owned up to our wrongs and apologized. I do not need to get hate just because I felt it was the right thing to do to save someone else's life when I thought she was missing or hurt. I don't condone Ashlee's actions or her behavior a lot of times, and I let her know that. I am not afraid to say it or share it, however, there is a time and a place for everything. I never said Ashlee's health issues were an excuse for her to say mean and ignorant things about people. I expressed that at the time, I felt she needed me whether or not she answered my calls, walked away from me etc... I was trying to be a good friend, and sometimes I overextend myself as a friend and I really shouldn't. I have realized that. My phone was dead at the time, and even though it looked like certain people were trying to help me, I really had no help. I was borrowing people's phones to try and call a car service. Just so you all know, the area we were in, there is only one car service legit. I didn't abandon the girls. I explained to them why I needed to go find her, and I would do it for any of them. I don't need to feel bad or guilty for doing what was right in my heart at the time. Was I a little dramatic? Yes. Looking back and moving forward, I now know there's no reason to get that dramatic and to take more control of my emotions.