Mike’s Birthday: The Persian Piñata of Drama!
Happy New Year! Can you believe we’re already in our sixth week of Persian Shah heaven? You'd think the Persians would stop for a break, but no. Rest is for the weak. Plus, Persian New Year isn't until March. So the Shahs will carry on. I have to say that it's a little insane that we've been able to tolerate this much drama over natural noses and a new girl in town. Fortunately, in this episode we moved away from the nose drama. . .and I learned some really important lessons in the particulars of being a Persian.
Before I dismiss GG from this episode let's talk about her briefly. After a heated lunch with her sister and dad, GG went to check out an event space for her hair extension launch. Contrary to what her sister thinks, GG believes she's more than just the face of her company.
Here's a rule thumb: You can't be more than a face if you don't know how much your product sells for. I truly believe that faces are better off silent. At least if your name is GG.
We also see GG try to make amends with Asa at a lunch with MJ. Would have been great to see them all in the same room, but Asa never showed. While they were waiting for Asa, we saw GG take a page from Honey Boo Boo's lunch menu: Cheese fries, hummus with pita chips, the triple carne asada tacos, and go-go Juice. And we all know how much GG loves her go-go juice.
Persian Lesson #1: GG and Honey Boo Boo’s have more in common you think.
Anyway, I don’t know how I feel about Asa not showing. I respect her stance, but she shouldn’t have made MJ and GG wait for an hour before flaking. It wasn't Persian time. It was a power play. She should have been upfront, or at least come up with a good excuse. The old "trying to fuse love energy into diamond water" excuse would have even worked. We all know that love energy takes a long time; especially with a Jackson.
As if GG wasn’t having a bad enough week, she gets a call from Mike, who was with MJ, Reza, and Asa. He told her she was uninvited to the party. That’s now two parties she’s blacklisted from because of go-go juice and Gold-hoop gate. Sucks for her. I do have to give some props to GG for at least trying to make amends. I guess she had to because she has no one left except for Omid, her Dad , her "face," and some go-go juice.
Anyway, enough about GG, let's talk about Cabo!!! Whenever someone says Mexico, you think drama, drinking, jail time and puking. Well, the jail part didn't happen, but the rest did. And before we delve into Mexican fiesta, can I just ask, "What the HELL are they all doing in Mexico together?" None of them get along when they’re all in same space! But I guess there are two things they can all agree on: The fact that the trip will be better off GG-free and their love for Gucci.
Back to the episode. The second our little LA Persians arrived in Mexico -- the party started. In typical form, MJ wore one of her fantastic bathing suits, Lilly came prepared by sporting her flotation devices, and the rest of the boys had their golden doodool's (Quick flashback: We learned last week that Golden Doodool means "Golden Penis" in Farsi) tucked away in board shorts.
Before I get to the pool party, I have to comment on how amazing MJ is when she drinks. I could watch a drunk MJ for days and not get bored. She's like the Persian Snooki; only MJ wears Louis Vuitton, while Snooki (when she was single) would have schtooped some guy from Club Karma named Louie V. I long for the days to see MJ as drunk as she was in Vegas in Season 1. There’s nothing funnier.
MJ rolls in to the pool party just in time to eat some sliders and take a shot. Mike chugs from the bottle, and Lilly. . .well. . .was drunk off fumes. Frankly, Lilly looks like an alien that got plucked from space and dropped off in the middle of Cabo. The look on her face was priceless. She’s like, "Who are these people? What are they drinking? And what are Mexicans?" She looks so disgusted! Welcome to Cabo, Lilly!
Anyway, somehow the group all made it to sundown to go to dinner except for a drunk Mike. When the group goes to look for him, they find him passed out in his bed. When he woke up he went straight to the bathroom to puke his brains out, and then exposed his Golden Doodool to MJ and Asa. Who knew he had THE REAL GOLDEN DOODOOL? No wonder he's such a peacemaker. All you can do with that tool is make love, not war. Sadly, Mike never made it to dinner, but he should have at least loaned his Golden Doodool to the table. They needed peace!
When you have a dinner with Lilly, MJ, Asa, and Reza present, nothing can come good of it. . .and nothing did. At dinner, MJ revealed she went to therapy and Reza didn't want MJ to be a Debbie Downer with the conversation -- so he tried to mustache-block the conversation and lighten the mood. MJ clarified that it’s not everyday she has therapy and wanted to share it with friends and acquaintances.
Persian lesson #2: Never call Lilly an "acquaintance." Based off Lilly’s reaction, it’s the mother of all Persian insults. And nobody puts Barbie in a corner!
Sammy tried to play mediator again. He's really trying to inch his way back on into the action, isn’t he? As everyone tried to lighten the mood, MJ brought it back to herself, which didn’t go over too well. And that’s when MJ started her line of interrogations with Reza and Asa. Long story short, it comes out that MJ called Lilly a Chia Pet (which she claims is a term of endearment) and that Lilly’s wig walks in the room an hour before she does.
Persian Lesson #3: Chia Pet is a Persian pet name and wigs clearly aren’t on Persian time, only their owners are!
As MJ and Asa go back and fourth, Asa slams MJ by accusing her of popping pills.
Persian and Universal Lesson #4: Never call someone a pill popper. Just because you popped an Ambien once or twice, doesn’t make you a pill popper. Just like the girls in Catholic school, who believe doing it in the butt once or twice doesn't make you a slut.
I went to Catholic school, so I can say that. . .but I’m not a slut. Anyway, MJ got so pissed off, that she got up and walked off into the bushes and continued to fight with the group. The episode left off with MJ calling Asa a disgusting b---. Gotta love Persians in Mexico. They’re like a piñata of drama. It’s too bad GG wasn’t there to take a whack!
I’m so torn about this fight. I think Asa was WAY out of line by calling MJ a pill popper, but I also think MJ should have stopped trying to prove her point about Lilly.
I think this whole thing is about MJ feeling like her gubby (gay husband) is cheating on her with Asa and Lilly. I kind of feel for MJ. And the ordeal at the table taught me Persian Lesson #5.
Persian Lesson #5: Lilly is like a silent but deadly fart.
She pretends like it’s all good and that she doesn’t want to get sucked into the drama, but she’ll creep up on you when you least expect it. And when she does, it stinks! As for Reza and Asa, it looks like they’re in their honeymoon phase. Unfortunately for MJ, I don’t think their marriage is ending anytime soon.
To recap, here are the top 5 things we’ve learned from this episode:
1. GG and Honey Boo Boo’s have at least two things in common: Cheese fries and go-go juice.
2. Calling someone an "acquaintance" is the mother of all Persian insults.
3. Chia Pet is a Persian pet name and wigs aren't on Persian time.
4. Never call anyone a pill popper or they'll make the bushes talk.
5. Persian Barbie is a SBD (silent but deadly) fart.
But of all the important information I learned in this episode, what still stands out to me most is that Mike has a Kebab Del Grande between his legs. And on that note, can't wait to see Part 2 of this trip!!!
See you all next week, my Shah lovers!
Comments? Tweet me @nadinerajabi
Nadine Rajabi is a television producer, writer, and comedian from Los Angeles. Most importantly she's Persian, and has been her whole life.