Cast Blog: #SHAHS

Recap: Hide Yo’ Kids. . .Hide Yo’ Knives

Recap: The Shahs Peace Summit

Recap: Recipe for Disaster

Asa's Profound and Cathartic Trip

Recap: Reza Pops The Big One

The Return of Lochnesa

Mike: I Will Marry Jessica Soon

Reza Dishes on His Engagement

Recap: Make a Run for the Border

Mike Shouldn't be "Scared" of Other Religions

Recap: Turkey with a Side of Apology

Mike's Inner Struggle

Lilly's Disrespectful Behavior

Mike Takes GG's Side

Recap: Outed by Chihuahuas

Reza: "Lilly Doesn't Understand Friendship"

Lilly's Battle with Foot Boogers

Recap: Always a Lady

Recap: A Little Too Much Diamond Water...

The Shah of Bull Sh--

Reza: "I Wish I Had Kept My Mouth Shut"

Ep 8: Persian Empire Divided

Will Mike Put a Ring on It?

Reza Learns the Power of Apology

Recap: Shah-etiquette

MJ Owes GG a Genuine Apology

What MJ Did was Wrong

Loch-Nesa vs. MJ

Asa's Juice Disaster

Recap: Persian Pride?

MJ's Moral Compass is Way Off

An Offer Lilly Can't Refuse?

Recap: Homo-Not-So-Genius

Mike's Disappointment with Reza

Asa: "I Definitely See Why Reza is Irritated"

Reza on the Fight: "I'm Not Proud of It"

Lilly Needs to "Get More Real"

Reza to Lilly: "Get Off Your High Horse"

Cry Me a River

Mike: Master Negotiator

Lilly: Ain't Nobody Got Time for This

Recap: Hide Yo’ Kids. . .Hide Yo’ Knives

Nadine discusses Persian moms and shopping, Omid's hair feather, and the inner monolgues of a Shah.

This episode was by far my favorite of the season. And every week I keep thinking it can't get more dramatic, but somehow our Persians top themselves. There was therapy, there was redemption, there was fighting. Our two show villains GG and Vida even came around. . .well, sort of. But baby steps are still considered steps.

I have to be honest, for the first time in a long time I felt for GG. She made the effort to apologize to Reza, to go to therapy (which was very Sybilesque), and to make up with Asa (until she actually saw her). But like I said, baby steps. Before moving on to the mother of all dinners, I have to comment on a few things.

First, let’s start at the Lilly/GG pedicure date. I couldn't help but laugh because GG and Lilly almost have no other choice other than to hang out with each other because no one else will. As the girls got their toes done, they bonded over all of the cosmetic work they've had done. GG told Lilly she's had a nose job, her gums lightened and gets Botox all the time. I didn't even know gum lightening existed. I assume it's somewhere in-between anal bleaching and Michael Jackson skin lightening. And Botox? That doesn’t even count as "work." That’s just a gateway drug in Beverly Hills plastic surgery centers.

I’m glad that Lilly feels like she can be friends with GG because she’s "skinny and pretty." I’ll keep that in mind for when I meet Lilly. I'm sure I won’t meet the height and weight requirement to be her friend, but I’ll keep you posted.Moving on to Asa's recording studio visit with legendary Persian singer Andy. Being from Orange County, I wasn't as integrated with Persians as much as our Shahs were. But there is one thing that I know about Persian music and that's Andy. He's like the Persian Tom Jones only his legions of female fans don’t throw their panties on stage -- they actually throw themselves.

Anyway, for Asa to be in the studio with him was a big get for her. No wonder she was so nervous. When the man with sunglasses tells you to sing the word PCH better, you do it! Hell, you’ll sing every highway on the map. Here’s what baffles me (and I’m in no way trying to hate on Asa): I don’t get how she can call herself the Persian Pop Priestess when she's NEVER PERFORMED LIVE?!? I feel like being the Persian Pop Priestess is a title you earn once you've achieved some notoriety for your music. Someone like Googoosh (the most famous Persian Idol) is someone that can carry that title. But Asa has to perform at least ONCE to even call herself a performer. Otherwise, she's just like every other Bravolebrity that thinks they can sing.

Moving on to MJ’s lunch with her mom. I felt so bad for MJ when Vida got up from the table and left MJ crying alone with her Chardonnay. I commend MJ for wanting to change her relationship with her mom. She's right, it has been a big summer for her, and I'm happy that she's finally standing up to the blonde big bad wolf.

At therapy, the two have a back-and-forth about what they need from each other. I was shocked that shopping was on both of their lists. Only a Persian would have that be such a bone of contention that it had to be resolved in family counseling. We Persians take our shopping seriously, and that’s NOT an understatement. My mom has NEVER had any motivation to learn technology. . .until she realized she could use it to facilitate shopping. The only reason she learned how to send a text message was so she could send me pictures of shoes or handbags at the mall to see if I liked them or not. Not.even.lying.

Case in point, here’s a text exchange between my mom and I yesterday.

Backstory: Emporio Armani is having a sale:

7_GlN2-u2eu74fceRRzPjN-FieddYMBgOwyQyITcLike I said, it’s a problem…

But I digress. I’m happy that Vida agreed to go to therapy with MJ. Baby steps!

Now on to the Persian peace summit, which turned out to be more like a planned attack if you ask me. Every time these guys sit at the same table -- hell breaks loose. They should NEVER plan their gatherings around anything that represents a dinner table or involves cutlery. But before I dive into all of the delicious drama that transpired let me just say how much I LOVE the way Sammy always tries to force his way in to the action. This season we’ve seen him try to be the mediator, the drunken companion, and now he offers up his house as neutral territory for GG and Asa to make amends. I hope he has good insurance. . .and common sense enough NOT to serve alcohol!

Onward to the last supper! I really had high hopes for this dinner. GG was on her best behavior all episode, and everyone there was on board (sort of) for the reconciliation that was intended to go down. But those hopes were dashed from the moment GG walked in the door. The first party foul was GG walking in and not saying “hello” to her striped dress twin, Asa. Side note: I’m glad they both got the memo that the S.S. Tehran was docked in the Valley and they both followed the nautical dress code. Anyway, after that I had a feeling that GG’s snub was just foreshadowing to the drama that lay ahead.

BUT. . .I never expected the fighting to start with Mike and Omid. I was shocked at our “Zen Master’s” behavior. I had to watch the dinner twice to take it all in! The whole time I kept rooting for GG thinking, “Girl, don’t lose your cool. Stay grounded! Shuttle, shuttle!” Who knew that Mike had so much anger built up over Omid? The whole thing became a pissing contest over who had the bigger Doodool Talah (golden penis).

As spectacular as that s-- show was, I couldn’t help but think that the inner monologues going through everyone's heads at the time had to be as entertaining, if not more. Here's what I imagine they were all saying. . .

When Mike makes fun of Omid’s hair and discovers he’s wearing a feather. . .

Reza: Thank God, it’s not a hair band.
MJ: I know where you can get a feather on sale!
Lilly: I haven’t eaten in three days. I’d eat the feather off your head if you gave it to me.
Sammy: How do you guys still have a full head of hair?
GG: Thank God, it’s not about me right now.
Asa: I can’t believe he thought of hair feather before I did.

When Mike asks Omid why he’s been talking s--- and reminds him that he’s known GG since she was a kid. . .
Reza: Are you kidding me? I’m now eating leaves because your fighting is giving me the meat sweats.
Good GG to Angry GG: “You keep your f---ing mouth shut or Im’una shuttle your ass right out that door!”
Lilly: Note to self: NEVER accept a dinner invitation from these guys again. P.S. I miss my ex-boyfriend.
Sammy: I KNEW serving alcohol tonight was a really bad idea!
Asa: I thought this dinner was supposed to be about GG and I? God, I love that hair feather!
MJ: OMG. Where are Pablo’s pills when I need them?!

When GG declares that if anyone is going to stab someone, it’s going to be her. . .

Good GG to Angry GG: Look how good we’re being. Knives are bad, remember?
Lilly: I’m going to throw out law speak in interview to show everyone that bobble heads can use big words. Ex-boyfriend, Ali. . .are you paying attention?
Omid: I don’t want to go to jail wearing red pants.
Reza: There goes my peace summit.
Sammy: Now I’ll never get back on the show.

The line of the night came from Asa when she said, “You know it’s bad if you have to be taken outside by GG!”

This whole dinner was ridiculous. I love how even after all the drama went down, Reza was so set on getting Asa and GG to talk that he dragged GG back in to fulfill his agenda. He’s like, “Damn it, I’m not leaving this dinner without crossing something off my to do list!”

I know some of you might not agree with me, but I was VERY proud of GG for keeping her cool (as much as she could). She grabbed the knives to get them away from the boys, she kept her mouth shut until Asa said this whole situation was whack. And honestly, I think Mike was out of line. He totally provoked Omid. He had pent up anger against Omid and turned the dinner on its head. If Mike knew Omid was coming, why did he choose to come? Couldn’t he at least bite his tongue for the night for the sake of his friend he’s known since she was 13? As for Omid, it’s crazy that GG had to be the adult in their relationship that night. That speaks volumes.

And that’s all I’ve got. I can’t wait to see what happens next week. Damn you, Shahs for making me wait another week!!!!

Until then. . .“Hide yo’ kids. . .hide yo’ knives. . .‘cause e’rybody’s fightin’ up in her’."

Comments? Tweet me @nadinerajabi

Nadine Rajabi is a television producer, writer, and comedian from Los Angeles. Most importantly she's Persian, and has been her whole life.

Recap: Recipe for Disaster

Ep 15: Nadine weighs in on Part 1 of the reunion.

Here’s the thing… The Shahs reunion reminded me of a Thanksgiving dinner gone wrong. Except there was no turkey (or Turkey for that matter), not a lot of wine, and certainly not a lot of peace.

You’d think since the reunion was a little more intimate, being over a dinner table where they all broke bread, it would be somewhat peaceful…well guess again. I think sitting in such close quarters was a recipe for disaster, with a few exceptions. One being the infamous buttery chocolate cwaasannnt. Hallelujah! It’s over, finally!

There was so much covered, that I’m going to only address a few highlights…

So let’s get started, shall we?

Let’s start with Lilly “No Friend Zone” Ghalichi. I kind of felt bad for her. I truly don’t know what is going to happen with her next season. As is, she’s not hanging out with the Shahs. I just don’t know how will she come back after this. I was shocked that Asa laid into Lilly more than Reza did. It was only a few episodes ago where Lilly told Reza that Asa was the better friend to her. And as I recall, Asa gave Lilly a cooking lesson teaching her to beat her meat. I get that some of the Shahs have beef with her, but the truth is that Lilly doesn’t mesh well with this group (except for GG as of late). Andy did leave it open-ended, asking Reza if Lilly makes a real effort if he’d take her back, and Reza said absolutely. If that were to happen, I suggest MJ learns GG’s hook method. She’ll need to hook with her fingers and her toes.

Now on to GG and MJ. When will these two frenemies NOT fight? It seems to be their “thing.” They’re like drunk sorority girls: “I love you. I hate you. I love you. I hate you. I need more to drink. You broke girl code. I want to wax my car with your t-ts. You assaulted my hat, so I’m going to call your mom. But I do love you.” All I have to say to that is, “You don’t need to go all tango on me!”

Speaking of getting all “tango,” how about GG storming off when Leila showed up -- only to be put in her place by the Shah bouncer? I hope she realizes that one drink isn’t going to make her problems or her sister go away. Thankfully the GG whisperer was able to put her in her place. The reality of GG and Leila’s situation is they have a classic case of Competitive Sister Syndrome. I think they’re both guilty: GG shouldn’t be so harsh with her words. And Leila should have been more mindful about her friendship with MJ. Just goes to show that sh-- runs deep when dealing with family matters. Let’s keep it classy, ladies! All I know is my ass would be grounded for life if I’d ever treated my brother the way these two girls treat each other.

 

Last, let’s talk about Reza and his ex-work husband, Mike. Andy called these two out -- they kissed and made up in the finale, but it looks like things have gone south since that peaceful workout scene. Reza is right and I’ve said it before, no one leaves a thriving career to start over. However, I don’t know the logistics of their deal, so I can’t comment on who’s right and who’s wrong. What I can comment on is IF Mike needs money for a ring, he probably shouldn’t have invested in a bus wrap. And Reza SHOULD have maybe showed Mike the ropes a little more. Selling homes is not an easy job, you have to put in a lot of legwork -- it’s not a get rich quick type business. Mike said he loves Reza like a brother, but “he’s such an ---hole.” These two guys are becoming MJ and GG 2.0. They should all just get a room! One for their bodies and one for their egos.

I can’t wait for next week when Vida joon pays us a visit. I hope they give her the memo that there are no crocodiles in the San Fernando Valley.

And if you missed the final Shahs After Show, be sure to check it out now.

Comments? Tweet me @nadinerajabi