The Sun Sets On The Shahs. Chapter One
Black Amex cards, virginity, Playgirl, drinking problems, wine bottles, pills, Doodool Talah, Blood Diamonds, bare-knuckle boxing matches, and fake boobs -- all in a day’s work for the Shahs. Part 1 of the reunion was pretty dramatic, to say the least. I can’t wait to see what Part 2 brings. You know they always save the crazy for later! WE BE IN BIG TROUBS, y’all!
Here are my top 10 favorite moments from Part 1 of the Shahs of Sunset Reunion:
1. Lilly is entitled to use Ali’s Black Amex card
Lilly said she lost her virginity to Ali, which gives her the right to use his black Amex card. Not much to say about that except -- Lilly, we've talked about this before, in the butt counts. Are you sure Ali was your first?
While on the topic of Lilly and possessions, I loved that Lilly brought proof of documentation of how much she made in the month of January and her cars' bill of sales and lease papers. I'm sorry. I thought we were at a reunion, not an audit?!? We get it, Lilly. You didn't come from the welfare line. But while we're on the subject, since you have so many cars, would you mind loaning me one?
And I have a question, what’s with so many cars and living in a condo? I get that it’s city living, but if she can afford several cars over $100,000 each -- you’d think she’d own a house. Maybe Lilly keeps her condo for Coconut so she doesn’t double axel, triple toe loop herself into a bad dizzy spell in a big house.
2. Mike is going to pose for Playgirl. Whhhhaaaaaat?
Next on the reunion block, Mike and his Doodool Talah. Surprise! Playgirl wants him to pose and he said he couldn’t resist. Will this be our chance to see if it’s really a Doodool Talah? I mean is he hung like a horse or a mini-horse? I feel like Magic Mike's mystery shaft has become quite the topic of this season. He better bare all if he’s posing for Playgirl. I don’t need to see anymore of his naked butt. We already saw that at MJ’s birthday party when he mooned us riding the strip club on wheels. We want to see the Persian Stallion neigh!
3. MJ is in Alice in Wonderland (Good news, Pablo, you’re off the hook!)
Oh, MJ. Poor MJ. She says she doesn’t have a drinking problem and doesn’t pop pills. The group seems to think differently and claims MJ is in denial.
Could this possibly be our first Shahtervention? Reza thinks MJ is Alice in Wonderland and is sedated all the time and that the pills have always been there. Then Asa dropped the hammer by exposing that MJ needs a driver to her interviews and shows up with her suitcase packed with two bottles of wine. She’s just trying to help the economy!
The kicker of the night was when MJ said she’s not a pill popper, but takes Ambien to sleep. Taking Ambien to sleep, fine. Taking Ambien after day drinking all-day in Cabo. . .NOT OKAY. Best part was that she won’t admit to always being sedated. Last I checked, Ambien’s main purpose is to sedate you. I looked it up! “Ambien (zolpidem) is a sedative, also called a hypnotic. It affects chemicals in your brain that may become unbalanced and cause sleep problems (insomnia).”
Here’s my take of what happens when you take Ambien and mix it with alcohol and/or miss your sleeping window:
All day: drink
11 PM: Pop an Ambien to “sleep???”
12:30 AM: Do some Ambidialing. It’s like drunk dialing, but better because you won’t remember a damn thing. With drunk dialing, you have a vague recollection and a spiral of shame that goes with it. On Ambien, it’s like you roofied yourself, and nothing ever happened!
2 AM: EAT! It’s munchie time, and that frozen pizza in the freezer looks damn good. So you put it in the oven. While you wait for the pizza to bake, you munch on tortilla chips, and then open the fridge and see cheese. . .NACHOS!!! OMG. BEST. FEAST. EVER! While the Nachos cook in the microwave, you find a box of Cheez-its, and start snacking. You realize you haven’t had protein all day and start making a turkey sandwich, and discover that Cheez-its on a sandwich are just as good a chips, with equal crunch. So good. Then the microwave dings just before the oven timer goes off. Eat your face off.
3 AM: You’re sick from eating too much and feel like walking it off. You go outside for a brisk walk.
3:04 AM: It’s too cold! You decide you need dessert.
3:10 AM: You get in your car and drive to the nearest 7-11 to grab a pint of ice cream.
3:17 AM: Outside, you meet some random drunk dude that got separated from his friends at the bar. He asks you to borrow your cell to call his friends.
4 AM: The drunk guy is now in your house. You’re a little confused, but through the Ambien fog he seems cute enough.
4:13 AM: You go to your bedroom, and your boyfriend sees you brought a guy home. He’s pissed.
7 AM: You wake up, boyfriend is gone, but the guy you dragged home is sleeping next to you.
7:30 AM: You go to grab your keys to get the f--- out of your own house and try to avoid every mirror on the way out so you don’t have to face yourself. Just then, you realize you have NO idea where your car is.
And that’s why you should never drink and take Ambien. Just sayin’, MJ.
4. GG comes out of the pill closet
Poor GG wanted to come to MJ’s rescue and told the world that she takes takes Xanax, Klonopin, you name it. She was rattling those pills off and bragging about them like Lilly was with her cars and her January business statement. Honey, pills are nothing to brag about. I’m glad that she knows her pill regimen better than she knew the price of her hair extensions.
5. Asa gives us the Latin definition of phallus and vulva.
For the record, phallus means “the golden one.” And vulva means, “something to be ashamed of.” All I have to say to that is “take a shot.” If that’s not a WWHL secret word of the day, I don’t know what is.
6. Lilly is a small D!
She’s not sure how many CC’s she has -- she thinks 400 or 450. I mean who’s really counting after 400? Asking Lilly how many CC’s she has is like asking her how many circles Coconut does in an hour. You lose count when you get into the hundreds.
7. Lilly brings it!
Lilly took her mask off at the reunion! She laid the smack down and put her law school skills to work when she brought forward evidence that MJ was in fact mean to her. I have newfound respect. Lilly, you said you were going to loosen up a little, and you already have!! I can’t wait for next season! The gloves are coming off! Oh, and the wigs too. Although, I will commend MJ for giving Lilly a sincere apology.
8. GG says she went “somewhere else” when she grabbed the knife at Sammy’s
When she grabbed the knife, GG said her intent was to scare Omid, and then when Lilly confronted her she said she “went somewhere else and didn’t mean for anyone else to get scared.”
Unless GG is popping back MJ’s non-sedative Ambien, GG has no excuse.
She said she didn’t mean for anyone else to get scared?! Well the road to hell is paved with good intentions, GG. While we’re on the topic of misguided intentions, GG, take note: When you’re in the chair being interviewed by the man (Andy) that’s part of the reason you have a show, don’t make fun of his eyes. He can make fun of his own eyes as he did in his book, but you shouldn’t.
9. The only way to solve a real fight Shahs’ style is to bare-knuckle box
GG wants to resolve the feud with Asa with a bare-knuckle boxing match. Great job, GG! Why don’t you “shuttle” the fight in therapy, and not make a real-life threat, or suggestion (depending on how you look at it) on national TV. Remember what happened to Tupac when he admitted to assaulting the directors of Menace II Society on MTV? He went to jail. Bottom line: Public threats aren’t funny. They’re evidence. Fighting is bad! Peace is good!
10. Blood Diamonds!
GG let us know that only a few jewelers in this country don’t sell blood diamonds. I love that the conflict between Asa and GG got so heated that it came down to blood diamonds (AKA, war diamonds). GG missed her calling as a historian. Drop the extension biz, you have things to do! Paging GG, Dr. GG?
And the line of the night came from Reza when he said, “When MJ is the voice of reason, you know we’re in big trouble.” And that we are! When MJ’s the only one that makes sense in a room full of Persians, it means there is NO PEACE IN THE MIDDLE EAST.
I can’t wait for Part 2. There will be blood, oh yes, there will be blood (just not with diamonds).
Comments? Tweet me @nadinerajabi
Nadine Rajabi is a television producer, writer, and comedian from Los Angeles. Most importantly she's Persian, and has been her whole life.